All My Pirates
by madri
Summary: Sanji has cancer! Chopper has a problem! Usopp has feelings, too! Zoro's in love... but with whom? And what the heck is up with Nami? All of this and more, in this installment of... All My Pirates! [No longer a oneshot. Meta! Inanity! Etc.]
1. All My Pirates

A/N: Up until quite recently, my mom, sister, and I were all big watchers of soap operas. We don't actually watch the shows much at this time, mainly because they've spent a few months consistently sucking, but it's still a part of my heritage! And so on and so forth. I decided that Eiichiro Oda (who, by the way, owns all of these characters and the world in which they live, not me) just does not infuse enough angst into the story! (This is a lie.) Thus, here we are. This story is not for the faint of heart!

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**Voiceover**: Previously, on _All My Pirates_... Sanji learned that his cancer was more advanced than anyone had expected. Usopp confronted Chopper about his problem. Zoro and Robin had a serious talk. And Luffy made a shocking discovery...

(_Dramatic focus on **Luffy**, who is standing in the galley, a look of intense horror on his face. Camera pans to show the rest of the galley--it's empty._)

**Luffy**: It's gone! It's all gone! (_An intense tear forms in his eye. Poignant music._) The _MEAT!_ (_Music rises to a dramatic crescendo._)

(_Cut to Usopp, facing the camera, away from Chopper, who stands behind him. Both are looking very dramatic and intense._)

**Usopp**: Chopper. This is a serious problem that's gotten way out of hand. I don't want to be the bad guy here...  
**Chopper**: You're overreacting! I can quit anytime.  
**Usopp**: You're addicted, Chopper! And it's affecting your work. I can't... I just can't let you go into surgery in that condition again!  
**Chopper**: What do you know about it! Whatever! Whatever! You don't know me! I do what I want!  
**Usopp**: We've been arguing about this for four episodes now, Chopper! Admit it; you have a problem!  
**Chopper**: You're lying! And anyway, you haven't even turned around to face me for three of those episodes.  
**Usopp**: It's more dramatic and intense this way! (_Dramatic, intense close up of **Usopp**. Dramatic, intense close up of **Chopper**. Dramatic, intense close up of the **figurehead**._)

(_Cut to **Robin** and **Zoro**. Both are staring at each other from opposite sides of the room. Dramatic intensity abounds._)

**Robin**: Let's be honest with each other, Master Swordsman--  
**Zoro**: Honest? It's honesty you want, then? (_He slams his fist on the table against which he is leaning, all dramatically intense._) For starters, I hate it when you call me that!  
**Robin**: But I refer to everyone that way.  
**Zoro**: Yes, and it's a very endearing trademark and all, but it's annoying as hell.  
**Robin**: I apologize, Master Swordsman.  
**Zoro**: That! Stop that! Besides, I thought I wasn't like the others! I thought I was--  
**Robin**: Different?  
**Zoro**: (_He turns away from her abruptly and intensely. Drama is written all over his face._) I thought what we had was special.  
**Robin**: You and I both know that isn't true, Master Swordsman. I know you're in love with somebody else. (_**Zoro** does not respond, save for one intense, dramatic gasp._) It's Master Cook, isn't it?  
**Zoro**: (_After an intense, dramatic pause, he nods._) But that's not all.  
**Robin**: (_Nodding with slow intensity, a dramatic understanding on her face._) Master Captain, too, then. That was almost too obvious.  
**Zoro**: Yes, but... that's not all!  
**Robin**: (_With a dramatic, intense frown._) Miss Navigator, too?  
**Zoro**: Yes! It's all true! And Usopp, and Chopper--  
**Robin**: Uh--  
**Zoro**: And Tashigi, the Marine Sergeant-Major! _SHE LOOKS LIKE MY DEAD BEST FRIEND!_ (_He dramatically bursts into intense sobs._)  
**Robin**: Uh--  
**Zoro**: I know I often argue with these people, but it's really just a front for my real feelings! I yell, but I just want to hold them! I just want _them_ to hold _me!_ Is that _so_ much to ask? Even you, Robin. I say I don't trust you, but I love you, too!  
**Robin**: Uh... is all of this really true?  
**Zoro**: (_A dramatically intense shrug_.) Ten thousand fanfic writers can't be wrong.

(_Cut to **Sanji** lying in bed, looking intensely weak, with **Chopper** standing over him dramatically._)

**Sanji**: Weren't you just arguing with Usopp?  
**Chopper**: That's just the cancer talking.  
**Sanji**: Oh...  
**Chopper**: It's advanced beyond what my skills can handle, Sanji. I'm afraid you only have seventeen minutes to live. (_Dramatic, intense close up of **Sanji**. Dramatic, intense close up of **Chopper**._)  
**Sanji**: Only seventeen minutes? But that doesn't give me enough time to tell the rest of the crew how I truly feel about them...  
**Chopper**: It's okay, Sanji. They already know.  
**Sanji**: How could they possibly know?  
**Chopper**: We can see it in your eye.  
**Sanji**: Oh. ... Wait a minute. "Eye"? I have two of them!  
**Chopper**: What? (_**Chopper** stumbles backwards with dramatic intensity. There is shock on his tiny, adorable face._) No way!  
**Sanji**: No, I'm serious. It's right here. (_**Sanji** sits up--it is difficult for him, in a dramatic sort of way--and brushes aside his hair, to reveal his fabled other eye. The whole moment is very intense._)  
**Chopper**: Oh my god! (_He faints from the shock. The drama and intensity are too much for him._)

(_Cut to **Chopper** and **Usopp**, just as they were when we last left them._)

**Usopp**: Um. Didn't you just pass out?  
**Chopper**: Shut up! Addiction this, pass out that! Who are they going to believe, anyway? I'm freaking ADORABLE. You're just a liar with a big nose! Asshole!  
**Usopp**: Words can hurt, Chopper!  
**Luffy**: (_Suddenly, dramatically, intensely, the door flies open, and **Luffy** bursts in._) Guys! Come quick! Something terrible has happened!

(_He bursts into the room where **Zoro** and **Robin** are intensely making out, but, in a dramatic fashion, he does not notice._)

**Luffy**: You come too! It's terrible, terrible!

(_With similar drama and intensity, he also bursts into the room where **Chopper** and **Sanji** are._)

**Luffy**: Terrible! Terrible!  
**Chopper**: I heard already! Asshole!

(_Cut to the deck of the Merry. **Luffy**, **Chopper**, **Usopp**, **Zoro**, and **Robin** are intensely and dramatically gathered there._)

**Luffy**: Terrible! Terrible! Where's Sanji?  
**Chopper**: He only has (_pause to check the time, drama, intense_) four more minutes to live! He can't take any more terrible news!  
**Luffy**: Where's Nami? (_They all exchange intense, dramatic looks of confusion._)  
**Usopp**: We haven't seen her all day.  
**Luffy**: That's strange.  
**Zoro**: That's not strange, that's lazy writing. (_A dramatic, intense pause._) Why do I get the feeling this will be my last line?  
**Luffy**: Don't complain about it; I'm the captain and I've barely been around this whole time. You guys were all, "Cancer this," and "Addiction that"--addiction to _what_, might I ask?  
**Usopp**: ... That's a good question. (_A dramatic, intense look at **Chopper**._) What are you addicted to again? (_**Chopper** shrugs, in a typically dramatic and intense fashion._)  
**Robin**: Master Captain?  
**Luffy**: Huh?  
**Robin**: What was the "terrible, terrible" news you had to give us?  
**Luffy**: What are you talking about? -- Oh! Oh, that! It's terrible, terrible!  
**Usopp**: So we hear.  
**Sanji**: (_Suddenly, he dramatically bursts out of his room onto the deck with the others, who turn to him with intense gasps._) Good afternoon!  
**Chopper**: But it's been eighteen minutes since I told you it would only be seventeen minutes! Is it--can it be--am I losing my touch? Maybe I _do_ have an addiction to... something...!  
**Sanji**: No, it's not that! I feel much better!  
**Chopper**: Let me see! (_He dramatically rushes over to take **Sanji**'s pulse intensely._) Oh my god! It's true! You're miraculously cured!  
**Usopp**: You could tell all that just by taking his pulse...?  
**Sanji**: I feel like I have a new lease on life! I want to adopt starving orphans in Africa! I want to take up the piano! I want to learn German! I want to--I want to--I want to _save the rainforest!_ And, hey, Marimo--I mean Zoro; can I call you Zoey? Let's be friends! (_**Zoey**, to add to the intensity and drama of the moment, does not respond._)  
**Luffy**: It's a miracle! But it's still terrible!  
**Robin**: _What's_ terrible?  
**Luffy**: ALL THE MEAT IS GONE. (_Intense, dramatic close ups of each of the crew members in turn, with appropriately intense, dramatic music._)  
**Nami**: (_The intense tension is dramatically broken when **Nami** bursts out onto the deck with the others._) I have an announcement to make!  
**Usopp**: Hey, Luffy, I found Nami.  
**Luffy**: Oh. Good job, Usopp!  
**Usopp**: It was no problem for me, the great Lord Captain Usopp! It was just like the time that--  
**Luffy**: (_He backhands **Usopp** with dramatic intensity._) Stop acting in-character! That's out of place here!  
**Usopp**: Fists can hurt, Luffy!  
**Luffy**: I think that's kinda the point.  
**Nami**: AHEM. I _said_, I have an announcement!  
**Robin**: What is it, Miss Navigator?  
**Nami**: I-- (_Dramatic, intense pause._) --am pregnant!  
**Sanji**: WHAT? Who's the father?  
**Nami**: That's the second part of my announcement! I don't know!  
**Usopp**: Process of elimination, Nami. It can't be _that_ difficult.  
**Nami**: Remember that party we had a little while back? Where there was copious amounts of alcohol?  
**Luffy**: (_Thinking, dramatically intense._) No.  
**Nami**: Of course you don't! I don't either! So that must be when it happened!  
**Sanji**: I... am not sure that's logically sound.  
**Nami**: (_She intensely ignores him; it is dramatic._) It could be any of you!  
**Chopper**: EVEN ME?  
**Nami**: Even you! It's only fair to assume so!  
**Chopper**: It's only disgusting! I'm adorable, yes, but also a monster!  
**Nami**: Shut up! We're not focusing on your angst right now! It's my turn! Anyway, I've made a decision! And this is to be fair, remember--all of you will pay me child support, starting now!  
**All**: _WHAT?_  
**Usopp**: You're... not really pregnant, are you?

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _All My Pirates_... Zoey becomes permanently mute. Chopper confronts his troubled past. Usopp considers plastic surgery. Sanji has a relapse. Luffy continues his search for the missing meat. Intensity, drama, and more, all coming up on... _All My Pirates!_

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A/N: A few more things: as an aside, "master" actually is the form of address for unmarried males; in analogy form, this would be master is to mister as miss is to missus (I love analogies, don't you?). People don't really use it, which I find strange; like, young unmarried girls are worthy of an honorific, but not young unmarried boys? Whatev. Anyway, for some reason I really don't have a problem imagining Robin saying it. It's part of her charm, or something. I dunno. Go with it!

There's a line in here taken from an episode of _South Park_. I've never actually seen the episode, but my sister references it all the damn time, so I _feel_ like I've seen it. +10 to anyone who spots it!

Unrelatedly, I'm currently listening to Esthero's new album, _Wikked Lil' Grrrls_ (or is it four 'r's? Meh). Anyway, I dig it. Check it out, yo.

As always, thanks so much for reading! ♥


	2. Revamp the First

A/N: I lied. I lied like a dog. I can't say no to you people, can I? Even if you suck at _South Park_ (it was Chopper's line about "Whatever! Whatever! You don't know me! I do what I want!" by the way).

Er. That is to say: I got a phone call from the network saying they wanted to overhaul _Pirates_ due to low ratings. I tried to explain to them that I had originally intended it to be a one-shot, but they didn't seem to understand. They demanded a revamp.

The characters present in this chapter are, shockingly, mine. I'm not at liberty to divulge the network for which these two work due to legal reasons, but the call numbers of their closest affiliate are WHAT, simply because if I lived east of the Mississippi and owned a TV (or radio or whatever) station, mine would totally be WHAT (KHAT does not have the same _je ne sais quoi_).

Oh, also. Did you know that manila could be spelled either that way or with two ls? I didn't. Amazing.

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The door is three feet by seven feet, made of cedar. Right at eye-level is a plaque that reads, "Uno Marionette" (it was... Italian, or something). Uno's assistant stood outside the door, her hand poised to knock.

"Come in," boomed a voice from within.

The assistant sighed. He always seemed to know when she was there, especially when she had bad news. She turned the knob and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her.

"Come in, come in," he boomed again. "Boom" is no exaggeration, by the way; Uno was quite a large man and had the lung power to do so if he wished (and he often did, because it made him very intimidating). He took up most of the space behind his large desk, blocking a good portion of the view from the windows behind him.

Slowly, reluctantly, the assistant crossed the room to the desk, putting a manila envelope down in front of him. "The ratings for _Pirates_ have been dropping considerably. The network execs want to revamp."

"What?" His incredulity was apparent, even around the giant cigar dangling from his lips.

The assistant coughed. "Uh. Sir. Please. I have asthma."

Uno rolled his eyes, but doused the cigar in his oversize ashtray. "You say that every time. Aren't you over that yet?"

"It's... it's a permanent condition, sir. It's not exactly something that goes away."

"Bullshit. Don't be a sissy." He reached out and grabbed the manila envelope, then extracted its contents roughly. His eyes crossed over the page impatiently before he looked back up at his assistant. "This can't be what they want."

"I'm afraid so." She nodded. "I got it directly from the execs."

"But the target audience for this type of show is completely different from the target audience of a soap opera!"

"It's what they want, sir."

Uno sighed, stuffing the memo back into the envelope and handing it back to his assistant. "Get it to the writers ASAP, then. They'll have a better idea of what to do with it than I do."


	3. Pretty Pretty etc

A/N: Don't own them, they 0wn me. Also, will totally kick my ass for this one.

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**Voiceover**: It's that time again! The time you've all been waiting for! That's right, it's Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Time!

(_Flashy opening sequence with lots of twirling, sparkling, and glittering, plus a catchy pop song. When the twirling has subsided, cut to **Nami**, sitting at a desk in an ordinary Japanese teenage girl's bedroom._)

**Nami**: Despite the fact that I look eighteen and am an ace cartographer/navigator, I am actually really just an ordinary, unmotivated, unremarkable junior high school student! This is so boring! I wish I was cool in some way!  
**A voice**: Psst. Nami.  
**Nami**: What? A voice? Where is it coming from? (_Beat._) No, no, that should be "from where is it coming?" (_Beat._) Yeah, yeah. I forgot. Where is it coming from?  
**A voice**: Right here!**  
Nami**: (_Looks._) Ohmigosh! It's two adorable little cats! (_One of the cats has dark, tousled fur and an adorable little straw hat on his head. The other has sleek blond fur and whiskers that curl up at the ends._)  
**Blond cat**: Not half as adorable as you, Miss Nami! (_Heart eyes._)  
**Nami**: The cat talked! And may, in fact, be hitting on me!  
**Straw hat cat**: Of course he talked! I'm Luffyko, and this is Sanjiko. (_**Luffyko** jumps up onto **Nami**'s desk and pushes a sparkly brooch at **Nami**._) This is your transformation brooch.  
**Nami**: Luffyko, that's pronounced "broach," with a long O.  
**Luffyko**: But the script says--  
**Nami**: I know that's how it's spelled, but I promise you, it's a long O sound, not an oo sound.  
**Luffyko**: Are you sure?  
**Nami**: Positive.  
**Luffyko**: All right! Anyway, this is your transformation brooch, and with it, you can transform into the guardian of love, justice, and vitamin C, Pretty Tangerine!  
**Nami**: Pretty... what?  
**Sanjiko**: (_Jumping up beside **Luffyko**._) You don't need a transformation brooch for the pretty part!  
**Nami**: How does it work?  
**Luffyko**: Just hold it up and say, "Pretty power, make up!"  
**Nami**: If you say so, talking cat! Pretty power, make up! (_A flashy transformation sequence ensues, with flashy sparkling and flashy twirling and a measure of nudity._)  
**Sanjiko**: _Mewllorine!_ (_Passes out, a small trickle of blood coming from his kitty nose._)  
**Pretty Tangerine**: (_Done transforming, now wearing a stylized schoolgirl uniform._) Why didn't they just call this the "Perverted Fanservice Hour"?  
**Luffyko**: Because it's only a half-hour. Anyway, now that you're ready, Pretty Tangerine, let's go fight the bad guys!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Wait. Who am I fighting? (_But **Luffyko** and a suddenly conscious **Sanjiko** have already skipped off, adorably. Quickly, **Pretty Tangerine** runs after them._)

(_Cut to downtown Tokyo. **Scary Man-Beast Chopper** is, for some reason, on a rampage. There's already another junior high school girl who looks much, much older in a uniform like **Pretty Tangerine**'s with two cats--a sleepy-looking fuzzy green one, and a long-nosed one with curly brown fur._)

**Luffyko**: Zoroko! Usoppko! You're already here!  
**Sanjiko**: (_Looking back and forth between **Pretty Tangerine** and the other girl._) Ahh! I can't decide which is more beautiful!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Who is this?  
**Usoppko**: This is your partner in crime-fighting, Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Pretty... what?  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: It's nice to meet you, Miss Tangerine. Shall we?  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Uh... yes! Let's go!  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Let's go! (_That having been decided, they go._)  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper**: GOR! (_Smacks them away._)  
**Sanjiko**: How dare you hit a lady, you overgrown man-beast! (_Did I mention there were gratuitous panty shots?_) _Mewllorine...!_  
**Zoroko**: We can't get involved, you stupid love cat. This is their fight. (_Pause._) Hey, I got a line!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Our attacks aren't working for some reason, Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: I guess we'll have to use... _that_ attack.  
**Pretty Tangerine**: _That_ attack? You can't mean--! ... Wait, what _do_ you mean?  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Our Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Sounds ultimate!  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: It is!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Let's use it, then!  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Let's!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: ... _How_ do we use it?  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Well, that's simple; we--um. Hey, Usoppko, how do we use the Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack again?  
**Usoppko**: The what?  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: The Super Double Combined Plus Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack!  
**Usoppko**: I've never heard of that one.  
**Sanjiko**: Maybe they mean the Super Double Plus Combined Ultimate Pretty Sparkle Attack?  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Isn't that what I said?  
**Luffyko**: Not at all!  
**Usoppko**: Well, if that's what you meant, why didn't you _say_ so?  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Just hurry up and tell us how to use it! The enemy, who for some unknown reason has strangely not attacked during this discussion, could do so at any time!  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper**: GOR! (_Smacks them away again._)  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Never mind! I just remembered how to do it!  
**Pretty Tangerine**: Ohmigosh! Me too! Tangerine Power!  
**Pretty Poneglyph**: Poneglyph Power!  
**Both**: Pretty Power! (_There is a long, complex, and exceptionally flashy series of twirling, sparkling, glittering, etc., during which time the enemy could easily attack but does not--possibly having a seizure from the flashing lights? Also there are lots of gratuitous panty shots._)  
**Sanjiko**: _Mewllorine!_  
**Pretty Poneglyph** _and_ **Pretty Tangerine**: ATTACK! (_Their attack, which is also sparkly and pretty, goes flying at **Scary Man-Beast Chopper**, and hits him dead on._)  
**Scary Man-Beast Chopper**: GOR! (_Flashing, glittering, etc. The network will be sued for putting so many children in the hospital. When the light clears, **Scary Man-Beast Chopper** is gone, replaced by **Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**. **Pretty Tangerine** removes her transformation and becomes **Nami** again; **Pretty Poneglyph** does the same to become **Robin**. They run up to **Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**, who, being adorable, is now worthy of their concern._)  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**: Why do I have to be the bad guy...?  
**Nami**: Because, let's face it, your human form is freaking scary.  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**: Oh. Yeah. There's that. (_Flashy, angsty pause._) What am I going to do now?  
**Robin**: Isn't that obvious?  
**Nami**: Who the hell are you?  
**Robin**: (_Rolls her sparkly eyes._) Pretty Poneglyph!  
**Nami**: No way!  
**Adorable Cuddly Reindeer Chopper**: AHEM! Focus, people!  
**Robin**: Oh, right! You can become our mascot!  
**Nami**: Yes! Our mascot! (_Cheers, happiness, laughter, etc. all around._)  
**Usoppko**: Uh. Mascot? Hey. You already _have_ four of them...

**Voiceover**: The world is narrowly saved from man-beast destruction, thanks to the Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love Power of... Pretty Poneglyph and Pretty Tangerine! Stay tuned for the next episode, in which basically the same thing happens!

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A/N: I, not surprisingly, love _Sailor Moon_.

And since I made a music rec after the soap opera, I feel inclined to do the same this time. Consider it a commercial! Anyway: Ivy. Their newest album is _In the Clear_, but _Long Distance_ is really, really good too. Go! Listen! Enjoy!

-- Oh. My gosh. Editing is so much easier in Firefox. Normally I hate it (I use Safari), but... SPWEE!

And, of course... thanks for reading! ♥ 


	4. Revamp the Second

A/N: ... You know the drill by now, don't you? Also, I'll upload more when I feel like editing, which I, admittedly, do not at all right now. Until then...

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"Come in!"

Uno's assistant sighed. He had reacted pretty well to the last overhaul command, but she didn't know how long that would last.

"The ratings for the Pretty Pretty Princess Magical Twirl Sparkle Glitter Love Love show were even _worse _than for _All My Pirates_," she said, handing him the envelope.

Uno once again extracted the contents. "Boy, I didn't call that one at _all_." He thumbed through the memo. "Hm. Trying to cash in on _that_ trend, then? Can't say I blame them." He stuffed them back into the envelope and thrust it back at his assistant.

"To the writers, then?"

"We won't be needing them," Uno said, lighting a cigar.

His assistant coughed.


	5. The Real World: Going Merry Go

A/N: If they were mine, I wouldn't be here. I would be in Japan, and my name would be Eiichiro Oda, and I would be rich. (Note: this is not the case. Woe.)

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**Voiceover**: We've taken seven average, ordinary teenagers, put them together on one boat, and had cameras record them at all times! This is it: _The Real World: Going Merry Go_!

**Luffy**: (_Caption: _Luffy, the "goofy troublemaker") I love meat and straw hats and kicking ass!**  
Zoro**: (_Caption:_ Zoro, the "lazy tough guy") Zzzzz...  
**Nami**: (_Caption:_ Nami, the "bitchy diva") Wait, "ordinary"? Have you been paying attention? -- Wait! Bitchy diva! I resent that!  
**Usopp**: (_Caption:_ Usopp, the "loud obnoxious one") Hey!  
**Sanji**: (_Caption:_ Sanji, the "obsessive-compulsive gay one") I'm--wait, GAY? That doesn't even make any sense!  
**Chopper**: (_Caption:_ Chopper, the "cuddly mascot") Why am I always the mascot? I'm more educated than almost all these other guys!  
**Robin**: (_Caption:_ Robin, the "mysterious, distant one") I hardly think I'm a teenager...

(_Cut to the kitchen--er, galley. Kitchen. WTFever. **Sanji** is making breakfast._)

**Sanji**: Here you go, my beloved, my buttercup, my beautiful ray of sunshine!  
**Luffy**: Thanks, Sanji! This looks great! (_Digs in._)  
**Zoro**: Zzzzz...  
**Usopp**: (_From the other room; shouting._) Saaaaaaaanji! Is breakfast ready?  
**Sanji**: Yes, my long-nosed cabbage! I'm in here with Luffy-swan and Zoro-swan!  
**Usopp**: (_Coming in, still shouting._) Hey, you better watch what you say! You know how Zoro gets when you hit on him! He's tough! But can't speak for himself, as he is also lazy and currently taking a nap!  
**Sanji**: Shh. Don't wake my precious little Marimo!  
**Usopp**: Oh, don't worry! I doubt even Hurricane Nami could wake him! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha I'm so funny!

(_Cut to **Nami** camera-talking in private._)

**Nami**: So this morning, I come downstairs, and the guys are having breakfast or whatever, but then I hear Usopp make this crack at me. And I'm just like... what the hell. I mean, seriously. What the hell did I ever do to him? God. He just pisses me off so much, you know! Sometimes I can't even stand it. It's like... he can't even say it to my face. He's always gotta be going behind my back. (_She sighs in frustration, shaking her head._)

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Nami**: (_Running in, she nails him in the back of the head with her fist._) I heard that! Why do you have to be talking crap, Usopp? Huh? Why?  
**Usopp**: Listen, it was just a joke, okay?  
**Nami**: God. You always do this, you know? I just... I just can't take it anymore! You need to learn when to shut your mouth!

(_Cut to **Sanji** camera-talking in private._)

**Sanji**: Oh, my god, I am so going to strangle Nami. We're all having breakfast, nice as you please, and then Usopp-swan makes this _harmless_ little joke, and she comes in and starts freaking out! I swear. Women! (_Rolls his eyes._) I don't mind Robin so much because, I swear, I hardly see her, but I wish Nami would just go away already.

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Chopper**: (_Stumbling in. He is wearing Care Bear pajamas with a little nightcap on his head, clutching a fuzzy blanket. He rubs his eyes and yawns. It is the most adorable thing ever seen by mankind._) Hey. What's all the noise?  
**Others**: Aww.  
**Sanji**: Did we wake you, Chopper-swan? Here, let me fix you something!  
**Chopper**: Can I have a chocolate shake?  
**Sanji**: Of course! I will make it with all the love and care that I have in my heart, just for you!  
**Usopp**: Hey, where's Robin?  
**Nami**: God. Why do you always have to pry into other people's business, Usopp? Seriously. Just shut up, okay? _Just shut up!_  
**Sanji**: Robin doesn't cause as much drama as the rest of us, so she gets less screen time.

(_Cut to **Robin** camera-talking in private._)

**Robin**: I'm... not going to appear in this episode at all, am I.

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Usopp**: _I SEE!_  
**Chopper**: Stop yelling! (_Sips on his shake, which is very thick, thus making it difficult and somehow even more adorable._)  
**Usopp**: Aww. Of course. (_Pets **Chopper**, goes to his happy place._)  
**Sanji**: Hey, you, hands off my Chopper-swan! (_To **Chopper**._) Hands off my Usopp-swan! (_Focus on **Nami**, looking hurt._)

(_Cut to **Usopp** camera-talking in private._)

**Usopp**: Sanji is so greedy. He just wants to keep everyone to himself. It gets really irritating, you know? It's not like I'm jealous or whatever, but... it's obvious Nami totally has the hots for him. I know he's gay, but if they would just go off into the sunset together or whatever, I wouldn't have a problem with that.

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Sanji**: Luffy-swan, how is the bacon?  
**Luffy**: (_In-between mouthfuls._) Great!

(_Cut to **Luffy** camera-talking in private._)

**Luffy**: God, Sanji makes the _best_ bacon. Seriously. I've never had better bacon in my life. In fact, I want some more right now! (_Gets up, wanders off._) Saaaaaaaanji!

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Nami**: Where's my breakfast?  
**Sanji**: Make it yourself.  
**Nami**: (_Looks even more hurt._) Asshole! (_Runs from the room, crying._)  
**Zoro**: Zzzzz...

(_Cut to **Nami** camera-talking in private._)

**Nami**: (_Wiping away tears._) It's just like... I just want him to notice me, you know? In a positive way! I understand that he's gay, but that doesn't make it hurt any less! I feel like no matter what I do, I'm never going to be good enough! He's the only one that's even worth anything around this place, anyway. Especially compared to Zoro; all _that_ guy ever does is sleep!

(_Cut to **Zoro** camera-talking in private._)

**Zoro**: Zzzzz...

(_Cut back to the kitchen._)

**Sanji**: What the hell's her problem?  
**Usopp**: You have to be less insensitive to women, Sanji.  
**Sanji**: What? What do I care about being sensitive to women?

(_Cut to the front door. Yes, the front door of the ship. The doorbell rings. Yes, the doorbell on the ship. **Nami**, wiping away her tears of WOE, answers it. **Vivi** is standing on the other side. Both of them shriek and hug._)

**Nami**: Ohmygod! What are you doing here!  
**Vivi**: We're going to go shopping, okay!  
**Nami**: Ohmygod! Okay!

(_Cut to **Usopp** camera-talking in private._)

**Usopp**: So Nami's best friend or whatever, Vivi, came to visit, which was cool, mainly because it got her out of the house for a little while. My head still hurts from where she hit me...

(_Montage of **Vivi** and **Nami** going around town shopping. They docked at an island, okay? There are no plot holes in this story whatsoever.)_

**Vivi**: Why is so much of this show devoted to you?  
**Nami**: Because I'm the hottest, the bitchiest, and the most stylish. I am the poster child for the MTV generation.  
**Vivi**: I see!  
**Nami**: Ohmygod!  
**Vivi**: Ohmygod!

(_Cut back to the Going Merry Go._)

**Usopp**: ... Reality television sucks.

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _The Real World: Going Merry Go_, Nami says a tearful goodbye to Vivi. Luffy and Usopp have a confrontation over bacon. Chopper is adorable. Zoro has a nap.

-----

A/N: Oh! First, a million points to Bevin, who totally called it XD Am I that obvious?

Second, as a general rule, I never include Japanese in my writing, not even Japanese honorifics, but I 100-percent consider "-swan" as "not counting."

Also, I was going to include another "guest" besides Vivi, but Luffy got too caught up in Sanji's bacon (hm, that sounds vaguely euphemistic).

Also also, it's sort of become a thing for Usopp to get the last line. I'm not sure how that developed.

Music rec! OK Go. They have a new album coming out at the end of August, but until then, their self-titled is awesome, plus they have a three-song CDS for "Do What You Want."

Thank for reading, and stay tuned! ♥


	6. Revamp the Third

A/N: Blah, blah, blah. I could put whatever I wanted here and it wouldn't matter, would it? Spoot! Monkey pants! Sprampt!

-----

"Let me guess." Uno spun around in his chair to face his assistant, who was, as usual, clutching a manila envelope. "The reality show idea tanked too."

She wordlessly held the envelope out to him.

He opened it and looked at the contents. "No," he said flatly, handing it right back to her.

"But it's what the execs--"

"The execs don't have a concept of reality," Uno pointed out, grabbing his phone and dialing. "Hello, this is Uno. -- Yes, I understand that shows like that are experiencing a surge in popularity right now, but we simply cannot afford to put that much money in a show that isn't pulling in the -- Yes, I know that. -- _Yes_, I know that." He put his hand to his forehead, as if he were getting a headache, which he probably was. "Yes. I understand." He hung up.

There was a silence.

"What are you waiting for?" he barked, making his assistant jump. "Get that to the writers!"

"Yes, sir." She turned and fled.


	7. Straw Hats: A Space Odyssey

A/N: Once again, not the owner, not making money, etc.

-----

**Voiceover**: In a galaxy far, far away, boldly going where no pirates have gone before... it's... _Straw Hats: A Space Odyssey_!

(_Roll credits._)

**Luffy**: (_Striking an appropriately heroic pose. He looks much the same as always, but with a spiffy uniform, similar to what everyone else is wearing, to compliment his straw hat. Caption reads: _Captain Monkey D. Luffy) All right! Let's go!  
**Zoro**: (_Also with the pose. The only difference in his appearance is that his skin is roughly the same color as his hair. Caption reads:_ First Mate Roronoa Zoro) You just do these to eat up space, don't you? Wait, why am I green?  
**Nami**: (_She blows a flirtatious kiss. Her uniform is slightly different from **Luffy**'s and **Zoro**'s in that it reveals an inappropriate amount of cleavage. Caption reads:_ Navigator Nami) You can fly with me any time! ... Wait. _What?_  
**Usopp**: (_The producers decided his appearance was alien enough, all though they did add an eyepatch to up the awesome factor. Caption reads: _Chief of Security Usopp) Ooh, Chief of Security? I _am_ awesome.  
**Sanji**: (_He said he'd kick anybody's ass who tried to change his appearance (Zoro was asleep when they got him). Caption reads:_ Head Chef Sanji) That's right. Shitty bastards.  
**Chopper**: (_He looks roughly the same. However, the caption reads:_ Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper) I'm a robot? COOL!  
**Robin**: (_She is the only one not wearing the uniform, but she does have a spiffy cowboy hat. Caption reads:_ Mysterious Ally Nice Robin) You people... haven't gotten very far in the story, have you?  
**Zoro**: (_Suddenly appearing in the frame beside her._) You better be careful; this is only the third line I've had since I pissed them off.  
**Robin**: I didn't know you cared, Master Swordsman.

(_Cut to the deck of the starship Going Merry Go. **Luffy** is at center, looking very commanding, in the way that a captain should. **Zoro** stands behind him to his right, looking authoritative but not overbearing, in the way that a first mate should. **Navigator Nami** stands behind a large panel, frowning at it. **Robin** sits beside her, observing, in the way that a mysterious ally should._)

**Navigator Nami**: What--the heck. You people don't even need me! The computer does all the work! (_Nobody even looks at her. She jumps up to get their attention._) Hello... are you even listening to me? Oh! Hey! Look at how... bouncy I am in this uniform! (_She jumps some more._)  
**Head Chef Sanji**: (_Appearing suddenly beside her._) I'm looking, Miss Nami!  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She giggles flirtatiously._) -- Wait a minute, what's going on?  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: (_Still not looking at her._) Hot space babes. Gotta please the nerds somehow, right?  
**Navigator Nami**: What's wrong with Robin?  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: She's too mysterious and therefore unattainable.  
**Head Chef Sanji**: Don't stop bouncing!  
**Navigator Nami**: Oh. Right. Sorry. (_She resumes her, ahem. Activities._)  
**Head Chef Sanji**: _Mellorine!_ (_He tries very hard not to pass out and miss any of the fun._)  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: (_Also appearing randomly._) Be careful. Too much bouncing can cause space cancer! (_**Nami** stops, blinking confusedly._)  
**Head Chef Sanji**: Don't tell her that, Chopperbot!  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: I'm the doctor! It's in my programming to be concerned with everybody's health at all times.  
**Head Chef Sanji**: I won't give you any dessert, then.  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: ... I'm also a robot, Head Chef Sanji. "Dessert" directive: nonexistent. (_Suddenly, red lights start flashing and alarms go off._)  
**Chief of Security Usopp**: (_He appears on deck to stand on **Luffy**'s other side._) Captain! Trouble!  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: Thanks for telling me, Chief of Security Usopp! I may be the captain, but I can't make heads or tails of this complicated security system!  
**Mysterious Ally Nico Robin**: ... It's just an alarm and some flashing lights.  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: That may be what it looks like to you, Mysterious Ally Nico Robin, but you are an outsider; I logically can't expect you to understand our "strange" ways.  
**Mysterious Ally Nico Robin**: Anyway, what's the source of the trouble?  
**Chief of Security Usopp**: A big-ass ship firing on us, ma'am! (_Suddenly, they all go flying wildly about as the camera shakes all crazy-like; the lights blink and there is a loud boom. This is supposed to simulate an explosion. If you don't find it convincing, well, I'm sorry we don't have ILM to help us out, okay! Why do you always have to judge?_)  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: I have evaluated your assessment, Chief of Security Usopp, and have deemed it valid! Navigator, take us to warp two!  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She has resumed her bouncing, much to the delight of **Sanji**, who watches intently._) Tee-hee!  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: Navigator! (_No response._) _NAMI!_  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She stops abruptly; **Sanji** looks severely put-out._) Yes, Mister Captain Sir?  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: Take us to warp two!  
**Navigator Nami**: Warp two, aye aye sir! _(She blindly stabs at the control panel, hitting a button at random. Miraculously, it turns out to be the right one! Because I say so, is why. They all jerk backwards and the edges of the frame become hazy. This is supposed to simulate a sudden increase in speed. Stop judging!_)  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: (_He speaks with difficulty._) Okay! That's far enough!  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She stabs at a completely different button; suddenly, everyone is able to stand up straight and the haze disappears. **Nami** leans forward, holding her head._) My brain hurts. (_Sexy space babe pout._)  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: It could be a symptom of the space cancer!  
**Head Chef Sanji**: Didn't we already do random cancer once? I should know; I had it.  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: "Repeat themes" directive: nonexistent.  
**Navigator Nami**: I don't want to have cancer...  
**Head Chef Sanji**: You don't have cancer. Robin, does she have cancer?  
**Mysterious Ally Nico Robin**: I find it highly doubtful, Master Cook. Space cancer is merely an invention by the writers who tried and failed to come up with a genuinely exotic space disease.  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: Hey, hey! I'm the doctorbot, not you! How'd you like it if I sat there looking mysterious, Mysterious Ally Nico Robin? Or if I took over the kitchen, Head Chef Sanji?  
**Navigator Nami**: Ooh. (_To **Chopper**._) My name is Nami. Bake me a cake!  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: "Inside joke" directive: nonexistent.  
**Navigator Nami**: I don't care. Bake me a cake!  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: Dammit, Nami, I'm a doctorbot, not a cake-baker!  
**Head Chef Sanji**: I'll bake you a cake, Miss Nami!  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She claps her hands together. Much to the delight of Sanji and fanboys the world over, this manages to increase her cleavage even more._) _Really?_  
**Head Chef Sanji**: (_His heart-eyes take up half his face._) Anything for them! I mean you! (_He toddles off to the kitchen, not taking his eyes off of **Nami** the whole time._)  
**Navigator Nami**: (_She waves._) Tee-hee!  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: Why is it that I'm the captain and _not_ the focus of the show?  
**Mysterious Ally Nico Robin**: Don't be a diva, Master Captain.  
**First Mate Roronoa Zoro**: Don't question them or you'll never speak again!  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: What was that, First Mate Roronoa Zoro? (_But **Zoro** seems to have forgotten where he was going with that, and he simply shrugs._) Anyway. My point still stands.  
**Chief of Security Usopp**: Face it, Captain. You just don't have the shelf.  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: Can you say that on network television?  
**Navigator Nami**: Shelf! Yay! (_She giggles, bouncing._)  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: (_**Zoro** taps him on the shoulder to get his attention._) What is it, First Mate Roronoa Zoro? _(**Zoro** points at something._) Ah! A new island--er. Planet. And you know what that means!  
**Doctorbot Tony Tony Chopper**: New frontiers of knowledge to be discovered?  
**Chief of Security Usopp**: New cultures and modes of thought to be explored?  
**Mysterious Ally Nico Robin**: New civilizations to analyze?  
**Navigator Nami**: Shelf! (_**Zoro** shrugs, wordlessly, by way of response._)  
**Captain Monkey D. Luffy**: (_He shakes his head._) New kinds of meat to try!  
**Chief of Security Usopp**: (_He plants his fist in his palm._) Of course!

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _Straw Hats: A Space Odyssey_: the Straw Hats find out what kind of meat this new planet has. Sanji bakes a cake (a yellow one). Nami has the shelf.

-----

A/N: I'm not going to lie. I've secretly wanted to do "Straw Hats in Space" for some time now.

Anyway, this is why I'm not actually a writer for television: because my characters would stand around arguing (and/or bouncing), and they would never actually get anywhere. Possibly I could have a career as a writer for _Jerry Springer_? Don't try to tell me that isn't scripted.

Aaaand... Anna Nalick! I got her album after seeing the video for "Breathe (2 AM)." It is seriously great. I've listened to it a bijillion times (totally a number).

These aren't even notes anymore; I just like to hear myself talk. How was your day!

♥


	8. Revamp the Fourth

A/N: According to my dashboard widget, not only is today (July 14) Bastille Day, but it's also the birthday of former president Gerald Ford! Happy birthday, Jerry!

On a more random note: my dad and I went to get dinner, and when we came back, my sister was watching the episode of _South Park_ that Chopper quoted from in the soap opera episode. Hot damn. "Whatever! I do what I want!" Cartman, you slay me.

-----

"The ratings increased marginally for males aged fifteen to twenty-one, but the execs still weren't satisfied," Uno's assistant explained, handing him the envelope. "Maybe it could have drawn in more if we'd had a bigger budget?"

"Flashy special effects does not a hit make," Uno pointed out, taking it.

"It worked for Lucas."

Uno opened the envelope and pulled out the papers. Once the words were processed in his brain, he quickly stuffed the papers back in, like Pandora trying to slam the lid on her eponymous box. He pulled them out again, read it again, and reacted the same way.

"Sir?"

He pulled them out one more time and stared at them. "I keep thinking that I'm reading it wrong, or that if I try it again it'll say something different."

"Is it... that bad?"

"It is that bad. Where do they come up with this garbage?"

"I thought I heard them say it was inspired by something one of the characters said in the last episode," his assistant said with a shrug.

"Ugh. They seriously cannot sink any lower than this." He sighed heavily, handing her the envelope. "Get it to the writers. If they don't all quit on the spot, maybe we'll get lucky with record low viewership and the execs will be forced to stop beating a dead horse and just cancel the show all together."

"Uh... yes, sir." She left.


	9. Shameless

A/N: I am shameless, so shameless. Also, not the owner.

-----

**Voiceover**: Luffy and his friends were just seven ordinary super-powered pirates sailing the Grand Line, but today, they are going to wake up not feeling like themselves...

(_Shot of the Going Merry Go from above. It's a nice day; clear skies, blue seas, etc. Suddenly, however, the air is rent by a deafening scream. Cut to the deck of the ship. A figure--the screamer--comes running out. Strangely, this figure looks exactly like **Nami** would, if she were male._)

**Nami**: What's going on? (_Another figure emerges from inside, coming up beside her. This one looks just like a male **Robin**._)  
**Robin**: What's the matter, Miss Navigator? (_She--he pauses, blinking._) ... Master... Navigator.  
**Nami**: That's what I'd like to know! (_There are several significantly more feminine screams from inside, and **Luffy**, **Zoro**, **Usopp**, **Sanji**, and **Chopper** all burst onto the deck, but they, too, have all been gender-switched._)  
**Sanji**: (_He--she spies **Nami** and **Robin** and immediately bursts into tears._) Why! Why! Why! Why, God, why!  
**Zoro**: (_She sighs, thoroughly exasperated._) Stupidest plot device ever.  
**Usopp**: Why aren't _you_ more upset, Zoro? How can you become the greatest swords_man_ if you're a _woman?_  
**Zoro**: (_She backhands her; **Usopp** goes flying._) Don't ever say that! It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman! All that matters is skill!  
**Sanji**: How can you say that it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman? And the fangirls think you're sexy! You have the sexuality of a sponge!  
**Usopp**: (_She jumps back up and backhands **Zoro** before **Zoro** can respond to **Sanji**._) Hey! This is slapstick, not angst! Save that for the teen melodrama!  
**Luffy**: Ooh! That sounds like fun! Can we do that one next?  
**Robin**: I think we have to finish this one first.  
**Zoro**: What's there to finish? There's not really that much for us to do besides stand around talking about how wacky this is. "Oh my god, I have boobs! This certainly is an intriguing dilemma!"  
**Nami**: I can't wear any of my clothes! They won't make me look stylish, just perverted!  
**Zoro**: See? Can this joke really sustain itself for the length of an episode?  
**Luffy**: (_She is too busy twisting herself into interesting shapes._) This is so cool! I'm way more flexible like this!  
**Robin**: Ma--er... Miss... Doctor, is there anything you think you might be able to do to fix this?  
**Chopper**: Well, I could try, but we should try to figure out what caused it first.  
**Usopp**: Maybe it's something in the water. (_Sage nod. **Robin** and **Chopper** look out at the ocean uncertainly._)  
**Zoro**: I mean, seriously. We could try some of these cliché jokes on dry land: Sanji wants to hit on girls, but they don't want to hear it from him-her! They just want Nami to pay attention to them! Oh, the hilarity!  
**Usopp**: Well, yes, but the network's too cheap to pay for extras. I can only imagine what it must have taken for them to get Vivi to come for that one episode.  
**Ace**: (_Suddenly, so that **Usopp** will have to eat crow, **Ace** appears at the side of the boat._) Yo.  
**Luffy**: (_Twisted into a pretzel._) Ace!  
**Ace**: (_He looks around in confusion._) Uh... sorry. I think I got the wrong boat.  
**Luffy**: (_She snaps back to her normal shape._) Wait! Ace! It's me!  
**Ace**: (_He blinks, then notices the straw hat._) ... Luffy?  
**Luffy**: Hm. About that. "Luffy" doesn't really suit me anymore, do you think? I think I'll be Luffie from now on.  
**Zoro**: ... That's the same thing.  
**Luffie**: No, no. Luff-I-E, not Luff-Y. It's totally different.  
**Chopper**: Ooh! Luffy--I mean, Luffie's so smart! What about the rest of us?  
**Luffie**: Let's see... Zora, Nam, Usoppe, Sanjine, Choppelle, and Robin.  
**Robin**: Oh, thank goodness.  
**Zora**: ... How did you come up with those so fast?  
**Choppelle**: Cool!  
**Nam**: _Don't talk like this is going to permanent!_  
**Usoppe**: How boring, my name is almost exactly the same.  
**Nam**: That should be the least of your concerns right now!  
**Ace**: Uhh...  
**Luffie**: Oh, right. Hi, Ace! What's up?  
**Ace**: I was passing by and I saw the ship... what happened?  
**Nam**: That's what we'd like to know.  
**Sanjine**: And you're going to fix it right away, right, Chopper? (_There are tears in her eyes._)  
**Choppelle**: It's Choppelle!  
**Nam**: Stop that!  
**Zora**: Anyway, San_jine_, you're not playing this to its fullest slapstick potential. You're supposed to rush off to go look at yourself naked, or something.  
**Sanjine**: (_It is clear that the shock of **Nam**'s and **Robin**'s appearances was enough to keep her from realizing this exciting possibility sooner._) Um. Excuse me... (_She turns to run off._)  
**Nam**: (_He grabs her shirt collar and holds her back._) You're not going anywhere. And you (_To **Zora**_) don't put ideas into his head!  
**Luffie**: Don't you mean "her"?  
**Nam**: No I don't!  
**Ace**: Uhh...  
**Luffie**: Oh, right. Hi, Ace! What's up?  
**Ace**: Didn't you ask me that all ready?  
**Luffie**: Did I?  
**Usoppe**: You did.  
**Luffie**: So I did.  
**Zora**: See? They can't come up with anything to say, so they're wasting time on this crap.  
**Ace**: Who's "they"?  
**Zora**: It's best if you don't get involved.  
**Ace**: Okay. (_He falls asleep._)  
**Choppelle**: WAH! He's dead! Somebody get a doctor! Help! Doctor!  
**Zora**: You _are_ the doctor.  
**Choppelle**: What? Oh yeah!  
**Luffie**: Anyway, he's not dead, just asleep.  
**Choppelle**: Really? That's a relief!  
**Luffie**: And he does that all time, remember?  
**Usoppe**: Is that normal, by the way?  
**Choppelle**: Narcolepsy? Not at all.  
**Robin**: Anyway, Miss Doctor, I think we should get to work on figuring out how to make ourselves go back to normal.  
**Zora**: Now why on earth would we want to do that? Then we wouldn't be able to spend episodes and episodes on new and fun problems! There would be no "underwear" episode! No "tampons" episode! No "bathroom" episode!  
**Luffie**: (_He gasps, suddenly._) What if I can't eat as much like this?  
**Nam**: That's not a valid concern at all!  
**Zora**: And how you'll look in your clothes is...?  
**Luffie**: Sanjine! Get in the kitchen and make us a ten-course meal!  
**Sanjine**: It's politically incorrect to tell a woman to get in the kitchen, you cad!  
**Luffie**: But I'm a woman too!  
**Sanjine**: In body only.  
**Usoppe**: That is a double standard, Sanjine. It's people like you that make it very hard for people like Luffie and me to break through the glass ceiling.  
**Nam**: That doesn't even make any sense!  
**Usoppe**: You couldn't possibly understand a woman's point of view. (_**Nam** backhands her._) Ow! That hurts even more like this!  
**Sanjine**: I can't watch this anymore.  
**Zora**: Yeah, it is pretty idiotic.  
**Sanjine**: That's not it. I... can't figure out whose side I'm supposed to take! (_**Zora** backhands him._)  
**Choppelle**: Stop the violence!  
**Luffie**: Slapstick! It's slapstick!  
**Ace**: (_Awake now._) Um. Hello? I'm still here, guys...  
**Luffie**: I want chocolate!  
**Zora**: I was wrong! You did make it last for an episode. Congratulations.  
**Ace**: Hello...?  
**Usoppe**: Ooh, Nam, can I try on that pink skirt of yours? No, wait! Don't hit me! (_He does._) OW!

**Voiceover**: Oh the humanity! Next time, Ace is already gone before the beginning of the episode. Luffie tries to unravel the mysteries of women's underwear. Robin tries to think of the best way to explain tampons. Usoppe has trouble in the bathroom. The high-brow hilarity continues! Don't miss it!

-----

A/N: I would seriously offer up my firstborn (with some fava beans and a nice chianti) to anybody with any degree of talent to see this illustrated into drawing form. I have a pretty good picture (in my head, that is) of what at least some of the guys would look like as girls (especially, for some bizarre reason, Zoro), but every time I try to picture Nami, I just get Miss Monday, and it freaks me out too much to think about Robin.

This time it almost got too meta for even me. No, Zoro (Zora?), you were right all along: that joke couldn't sustain itself for long XD

-- Oh. I almost forgot music. If you aren't listening to Eels already, you should be. The newest release is a great two-disc album called _Blinking Lights and Other Revelations_, but everything else is worth checking out, too ("PS You Rock My World," from _Electro-Shock Blues_, still gets me even after a million plays).

♥!


	10. Revamp the Fifth

A/N: Totally unrelated to this fic in any way: I'm going to a midnight release party for _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ tonight (it's just officially Friday the 15th in madriland as I type this note). I've been reading these books for six years, and I've never been to one! I'm kind of intimidated, but those eight-year-olds should be no match for me.

With regards to this chapter, I have never seen the film mentioned herein, and I kinda don't plan to, but it has a four-and-a-half star rating on Amazon. So.

-----

"Are we cancelled yet?" There was a twinkle in Uno's eye that his assistant rarely saw.

"No." She handed him the usual envelope. "But I don't think it's good."

He pulled out the memo, the twinkle disappearing, and read it. "They said it was incomprehensible, like watching a Salvador Dali painting in motion picture form."

"Actually, that was already done. It was called _Un Chien Andalou_. I truthfully don't think there were any real similarities between the two."

"Except, it would seem, their complete incomprehensibility."

"Well, aside from the fact that _Un Chien Andalou_ was meant to be a work of artistic expression, not--"

"Crap?" Uno finished for her.

"That's not necessarily the phraseology I would have used, but yes."

"Well, let's see what they want this time, then." His eyes scanned down the page. "Apparently, they want to get 'back to basics.'" He kept reading. "Ah, that was predictable." He handed it back to his assistant.

"To the writers?"

"To the writers."


	11. Demerry: The Straw Hat Generation

A/N: ... Reading this over after I wrote it, it has a LOT of author's notes :X Oops. I am longwinded, what can I say? (Ha. Unintentional oxymoron.)

First things first: Bevin! Ah! You truly are a talented artist (I especially loved your Miss Valentine; no wonder she's got her own fan club XD). Also, the sketch is fantastic; much to his consternation, I'm sure, my favorite is femme!Sanji--and I think I'm actually kind of terrified of femme!Zoro. For the rest of you, the sketch in question is at deviantart, deviation 13239395; curse you, ff.n! (You don't mind me pointing people to that, do you? GOOD.) It was, as you can see, done long before I wrote that chapter, but still works as a very nice visual aid. THANK YOU AGAIN :D

Anyway, onto business:

My best friend is a fan of Degrassi, but I love her anyway. Sometimes she watches episodes when I'm at her place, but only since she acquired TiVo in the last couple of months. TiVo, you've done many great things for me and mine over the past few years, but that does not excuse this.

I'm kidding, sort of. There are things in this world that are much worse. Like... land mines, for example.

-----

**Voiceover**: High school is a trying time for even the most well-adjusted of teenagers. But today, in this Saturday morning detention session, six troubled kids are about to learn a lesson they'll never forget. An all-new episode of _Demerry: The Straw Hat Generation_, next.

(_Shot of an average high school classroom in Anytown, USA. The desks are arranged in neat rows of five by five. The six desks front and center are the only ones that are occupied. In the front row, from left to right, are **Zoro**, **Luffy**, and **Usopp**; behind them are **Sanji**, **Nami**, and **Chopper** (who is in "scary man-beast" form). I only mention this because if I don't get it straight now, I'll get all confused later--don't judge me. **Sanji** has moved his desk a few inches closer to **Nami**. All six of them are wearing normal teenage garb, though both **Luffy** and **Chopper** have their trademark hats on still. An older woman, dressed professionally, enters._)

**Woman**: Hats off, boys. (_**Chopper** and **Luffy** reluctantly remove their hats; **Chopper** slumps down even further in his desk, as if hoping to disappear._) I'm Robin Smith. You will call me Ms. Smith. I will now call roll to make sure all of you who are supposed to be here are, in fact, here. Anthony, Charles. (_There is no response._) Is there no Charles Anthony here?  
**Nami**: (_To **Chopper**, whispering._) That's you, Charlie.  
**Chopper**: Huh? No it's not.  
**Nami**: We've all received common English names. "Getting back to basics," remember?  
**Chopper**: ... Why? "Chopper" is a word in the English language. What's more basic than that?  
**Nami**: Just go with it, okay?  
**Ms. Smith**: Ahem. Last call for Charles Anthony?  
**Chopper, who is, in fact, Charlie**: ... Here.  
**Ms. Smith**: Ah. There we go. Moving on. Brown, Spencer.  
**Sanji, who is, in fact, Spencer**: (_Enthusiastically. He is, note, wearing Abercrombie and Fitch._) Here! I'm right here, Ms. Smith! May I call you Robin?  
**Ms. Smith**: No. (_**Spencer** looks very put-out, but **Ms. Smith** keeps going._) Mitchell, Lewis D.  
**Luffy, who is, in fact, Lewis**: Heeeeeeeeere!  
**Charlie**: (_Whispering under his breath._) "Monkey" is a word in the English language, too...  
**Ms. Smith**: Moore, Nina.  
**Nami, who is, in fact, Nina**: (_Waving her hand._) Here!  
**Ms. Smith**: Richards, Zachary. (_**Zoro**, who, yes, is, in fact, **Zack**, is snoring away already._) Zachary Richards? (_She notices that everyone is looking expectantly at the sleeping boy in the front row. She grabs a ruler off the desk behind her and slams it down on his. He wakes up with a start._)  
**Zoro, who is, in fact, Zack**: Who's interrupting my nap?  
**Charlie**: (_Still speaking under his breath._) Also, Zorro is a character well-known throughout America. The character was even portrayed by Antonio Banderas in a well-received film version not ten years ago...  
**Ms. Smith**: There will be no sleeping on my watch, Master Richards.  
**Zack**: (_He, by the way, is looking decidedly Goth today._) You know, I've killed better people than you for doing that.  
**Ms. Smith**: (_She pointedly ignores him._) Turner, Donald.  
**Usopp, who is, in fact, Donald**: Here!  
**Charlie**: Donald? (_He looks at **Nina** questioningly. **Nina** shrugs, at a loss._)  
**Ms. Smith**: Good. I'm glad to see you all decided to show up. Now, let's first of all discuss the reasons why you're here today. Let's start with you. (_She points at **Lewis**._)  
**Lewis**: I was caught eating in class.  
**Ms. Smith**: That doesn't sound so bad.  
**Donald**: Maybe not to you! Tell her what it was that you were eating, Lewis.  
**Lewis**: ... Donald's science project. Oh, and then I also hit a classmate.  
**Ms. Smith**: ... Oh. (_At a loss._) Why are you here, then, Master Turner?  
**Donald**: I blew up part of the chem lab. Oh, and I tried to beat the crap out of Lewis for eating my science project.  
**Ms. Smith**: You... were the classmate he hit, weren't you?  
**Donald**: You can't even see the black eye, can you!  
**Ms. Smith**: No... wait... yes. You. (_She points at **Zack**._) Let me guess. You were sleeping in class.  
**Zack**: (_He ticks the items off on his fingers._) Mouthing off to the teacher, repeated tardiness, attempting to use a paperclip as a weapon, and... sleeping in class.  
**Lewis**: Ooh, Zack! You're a badass!  
**Zack**: That's what they say, just because I won't conform to their status quo.  
**Donald**: How subversive of you.  
**Zack**: I was going for "edgy," too.  
**Donald**: Also achieved.  
**Ms. Smith**: (_To **Spencer**._) You--hey, wait; is that a cigarette?  
**Spencer**: What, this? (_Pulls the object in question out of his mouth._) Oh, no, it's just a lollipop.  
**Ms. Smith**: Throw it out; it's bad for your teeth.  
**Spencer**: (_He gets up to throw it away._) Only because _you_ asked me too. I go through at least a pack or two a day of these, and they're _expensive_. (_He returns to his seat._)  
**Ms. Smith**: Why are you here with us today?  
**Spencer**: (_He leans forward, gazing at her intently._) Do you really, truly want to know?  
**Ms. Smith**: Not if it's something unimaginative, like hitting on a teacher. (_**Spencer** sits back in his seat, looking disappointed, and does not offer another word. **Ms. Smith** sighs, then turns to **Nina**._) What about you?  
**Nina**: It was a negligible offense. All I did was harass my teachers over and over again to give me monetary compensation for my work.  
**Zack**: Conveniently forget to mention the course of action you took when they refused.  
**Nina**: I was planning on it, actually.  
**Ms. Smith**: You stole from them, didn't you? (_She sighs._) No imagination. (_To **Charlie**._) And you?  
**Charlie**: I brought a gun to school.  
**Ms. Smith**: And all you got was _detention?_  
**Nina**: Let me guess. It was because you couldn't make your lamp for shop class work, right? (_**Charlie** nods._) And the gun was really just a flare gun? (_**Charlie** nods again._) Yeah, I saw that movie too.  
**Ms. Smith**: None of you even pulled a fire alarm or went streaking or anything?  
**Spencer**: (_Sitting up suddenly._) You could do that second one for us, if you wanted. I bet Nina would go with you!  
**Nina**: Shut up. (_Clocks him on the head._)  
**Ms. Smith**: The violence present in schools today!  
**Donald**: Hey, the voiceover at the beginning promised we would learn a lesson that we'll never forget. There hasn't been anything even remotely resembling a lesson in this entire episode.  
**Zack**: Except that I get lines when I wear makeup, which, what the hell?  
**Nina**: You're a pretty princess, Zack.  
**Spencer**: Am I a pretty princess, Miss Nina?  
**Nina**: ... I think it would be best for all of us if I pretended you didn't just ask me that.  
**Donald**: First-rate plan. Now, about that lesson...?  
**Nina**: Hey, not to mention that this episode has been devoid of not only a lesson, but angst. Where is the teenage melodrama?  
**Spencer**: Miss Nina, will you go to the prom with me?  
**Nina**: No.  
**Spencer**: ANGST!  
**Zack**: I write dark, angsty poetry. (_Beat._) Did I just say that out loud? I think I'd rather go back to having no lines at all.  
**Charlie**: I often angst about my man-beastliness. Look, I'm obviously not even an average American high schooler. And there was that whole lamp-gun thing. That's pretty angsty.  
**Nina**: Maybe so, but it was taken directly from another film.  
**Lewis**: I ran out of beef jerky last night. That was sad. I angsted.  
**Nina**: That's not valid angst at all.  
**Lewis**: Nobody understands me. (_Sinks lower in his chair, pouts melodramatically._)  
**Donald**: Hey, look at my impossibly long nose. You don't think that causes me angst?  
**Nina**: Angst over weight is more valid. Maybe I should be anorexic? And then we could do a Very Special Episode about it.  
**Spencer**: I think you're perfect the way you are, Miss Nina!  
**Nina**: Oh, yeah! I'm already perfect. I forgot. Never mind.  
**Donald**: Wait! What about the lesson, I ask again?  
**Ms. Smith**: All right, class! (_She rolls a TV from the back of the class in front of the desk, positioning it in the center so they can all see it._) Now, I know all of you are at a very awkward age, and you're going to have questions with regards to a lot of things about which you can't ask your parents. Hopefully this video will answer at least some of them. (_She turns off the lights and then starts the video._)

(_A few shots of the students as time passes. At first they look moderately interested, and then suddenly their eyes get big. Then, they're all leaning forward eagerly, especially **Spencer**. Finally, the video is over, and **Ms. Smith** turns the lights back on and moves the TV out of the way. Everyone is looking very much in awe about the information they have just received._)

**Lewis**: (_Planting a fist in his other palm._) So _that's_ how it works.  
**Donald**: What, you didn't know before?  
**Spencer**: Not even _I_ knew all of that.  
**Nina**: (_She rolls her eyes; sarcastically._) That's surprising.  
**Spencer**: Are you trying to say you knew that stuff already?  
**Nina**: Most of it, yeah. (_**Spencer** stares at her._) Stop that.  
**Spencer**: Yes, Miss Nina.  
**Zack**: Zzzzz...  
**Lewis**: But there's one thing I don't understand.  
**Charlie**: Only _one?_  
**Nina**: That's impressive for you, Lewis.  
**Donald**: What didn't you understand? I'll try to explain.  
**Spencer**: Oh, like you're some big authority.  
**Donald**: I know quite a bit about it, yeah! What's your question, Lewis?  
**Lewis**: Well... I just don't understand how the cat is both alive _and_ dead.  
**Donald**: Oh, is that all? Well, you see, Schrödinger was speaking metaphorically. There is no cat.  
**Lewis**: So is it like the spoon?  
**Donald**: Not at all. Now, the purpose of Schrödinger's dead cat/alive cat theory is to show that the quantum mechanical theory is incomplete. Obviously, the cat is _not_ both alive and dead, right? But since there are exactly equal probabilities of both outcomes, it, theoretically, is: 100 percent alive, 100 percent dead. It's a paradox, you see? It is representative of the decayed or undecayed nucleus that would either kill the cat or let it live. Just as the cat cannot exist in a state between dead and alive just because it is unobserved, the nucleus is either decayed or undecayed. Schrödinger was pointing out that there's nothing to describe the wavefunction collapse when the outcome becomes one or the other and not both.  
**Lewis**: Ahh. I see!  
**Spencer**: Liar.  
**Lewis**: Now explain to me the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle!  
**Charlie**: I thought you said there was only one thing you didn't understand?  
**Lewis**: Did I? Oh, so I did. Well. I lied!  
**Donald**: (_Facepalm._) This detention session suddenly got a lot longer.

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _Demerry: The Straw Hat Generation..._ a Very Special Episode: after trying to explain the many-worlds theory to Lewis, Donald contemplates suicide. This is an episode the whole family should watch together!

-----

A/N: You all thought that video was something else, didn't you? Tsk!

I studied quantum electrodynamics on my own for NaNo last November (I know, it's exactly as bad as it sounds). That stuff leaves a headache that does not go away. For me, understanding that sort of thing is like trying to get a grip on any icy ledge: it's possible, but almost the second you manage it, you lose it, and it's very hard to get back.

Did you catch the 4Kids shout-out? I don't watch _One Piece_ on network TV, mainly because I can't remember to do so, but I've read a little bit about it. The aforementioned joke was in reference to what's probably my favorite edit. I love you, FCC! You make all kinds of sense!

Music... well, this one is very special to me. Even if I stray from them sometimes, I have always considered them my favorite band: Jets to Brazil. They have three albums out; I'd suggest starting at the oldest and working your way up.

That's all. More soon! ♥


	12. Revamp the Sixth

A/N: So, I'm sitting in Barnes and Noble waiting for midnight (... it's 3 in the afternoon), and I'm bored out of my mind (how is it possible to be so bored in a BOOKSTORE?) so, you get another update today.

When I get closer to the end, the chapters will all become straight prose, like these. Which is to say, yes, this _is_ going somewhere, even if it doesn't seem like it. In case anybody wondered/cared.

-----

Uno was already on the phone when his assistant arrived at his office. She spread her hands to show him she was empty-handed.

He covered the mouthpiece. "I'm on the phone with them right now."

She raised an eyebrow. "They thought it was important enough to call you?"

He nodded, then went back to the phone. "Yeah... I know. -- No, I do think that's a good idea. -- Yeah, I'll tell her right away." He hung the phone up.

"So? What's the situation?"

"Viewers didn't like the name changes. Said it confused them too much. So we're going to stay away from that from now on."

"Okay..." She nodded. "So are we continuing on with the high school theme?"

"Not at all. They want to go back to the ship, but introduce a major new cast member with important connections to canon characters."

She frowned. "Don't they realize that's what sunk _The Brady Bunch_?"

Uno shrugged. "Who knows. Anyway, you need to get down to wardrobe right away."

"Me? Why?"

"Because they didn't want to hire anyone new. You'll be playing the new character."

"... What?"

"Hurry up! Go! I'll go to the writers myself."


	13. Miss Independence Day

A/N: I finished HBP yesterday afternoon (I read it like ZOOM--oh, JK), but like to be at least a couple chapters ahead of what I've last "published," which is why I waited longer than normal to put this one up. Don't worry, when you're done, you'll wish I'd waited longer.

I own one of them. SPOT THE FAKE!

(Seriously. I feel like I cannot apologize enough for this chapter. IT HAD TO BE DONE, I SWEAR.)

-----

**Voiceover**: Just when they thought it was safe, Luffy and his crew are about to receive a visit from the last person they expect...

(_Cut to the deck of the Going Merry Go. All seven members are there. **Usopp** and **Chopper** are playing a game of chess. **Robin** is sitting under her umbrella, reading. **Nami** is checking the Log Pose. **Sanji** brings the two of them drinks. **Zoro** is napping. **Luffy** is perched on the figurehead._)

**Sanji**: What a pleasantly uneventful, normal day! (_Suddenly, **somebody** who looks remarkably like **Uno's assistant** lands on the deck of the ship from out of nowhere. She is wearing a blue, long-sleeved, button-down blouse, a short pleated red skirt, and white knee-high boots. On her head is a hat much like those that Uncle Sam is fond of wearing. She wields two katana._)  
**Luffy**: Who are you?  
**Somebody**: Newest Baroque Works Frontier Agent Miss Independence Day!  
**Usopp**: Baroque Works? No way, we're done with them.  
**Zoro**: (_Awake now, he stands, unsheathing Wado Ichimonji from its sheath with the flick of his thumb._) Twin katana, eh? I'll take care of her.  
**Miss Independence Day**: We'll see about that! (_She runs at him, and they battle. Suddenly, within moments, **Zoro** is flat on his back, **Miss Independence Day** is standing over him, her katana trained on his neck._)  
**Nami**: Oh, for Pete's sake. (_She nails **Miss Independence Day** over the head with her Clima Tact, effectively knocking her out._)  
**Zoro**: Why did you interfere?  
**Nami**: She cheated. Come on, let's get her inside. (_**Sanji** watches the whole thing, a thoughtful look on his face._)

(_Cut to inside, a few hours later. **Miss Independence Day** is laying down, still out. **Sanji** sits nearby, watching her. Suddenly, she stirs. She opens her eyes, blinking, and sits up abruptly._)

**Miss Independence Day**: Ow! (_She puts a hand to the spot where **Nami** hit her. Suddenly, she notices **Sanji**._) Where are my katana?  
**Sanji**: Somewhere safe; how's your head?  
**Miss Independence Day**: Who are you?  
**Sanji**: You don't know?  
**Miss Independence Day**: Why should I?  
**Sanji**: Is this Questions Only?  
**Miss Independence Day**: Is the Pope Catholic?  
**Sanji**: The who?  
**Miss Independence Day**: What?  
**Sanji**: Huh?  
**Miss Independence Day**: Buh?  
**Sanji**: ... Anyway. You might not remember me, but I remember you... Mary Sue.  
**Miss Independence Day**: (_A gasp._) How did you know my name?  
**Sanji**: Because... I'm your brother.  
**Mary Sue**: What? I don't have a brother.  
**Sanji**: When my slightly younger twin sister and I were small, she disappeared. I never gave up hope I would see her alive again, though.  
**Mary Sue**: Well... I don't remember when I was really young. My earliest memories are from when I was six or seven.  
**Sanji**: That was when she disappeared!  
**Mary Sue**: I grew up in an orphanage in America. I was adopted at age eleven. I had a pretty normal life, except for the fact that I'm practically perfect in every way. And then one day... I mysteriously wound up in this place. I must have fallen through a plot hole or something. I joined Baroque Works to give myself something to do; they saw my skill with the katana and sent me on this special assignment. They said it was to avenge their old boss.  
**Sanji**: My sister was a prodigy with twin katana. And practically perfect in every way! How old are you? When's your birthday?  
**Mary Sue**: Nineteen. And my birthday is March 2--  
**Sanji**: I'm nineteen and my birthday is March 2!  
**Mary Sue**: No, you didn't let me finish. My birthday is March 2--  
**Sanji**: I know! Mine is too!  
**Mary Sue**: Would you let me fi--  
**Sanji**: And besides, if you weren't my sister, I would have made, like, twenty passes at you by now. And I haven't. So obviously we must be related.  
**Mary Sue**: Hm. Your logic is valid!  
**Sanji**: I have to say, though, the way you totally kicked Marimo's ass was great.  
**Mary Sue**: Marimo? Question mark?  
**Sanji**: I mean Zoro. You see, "marimo" is the name of this type of green algae that grows in an almost perfectly round shape. They only grow in a few places in the world; one of those places is Lake Akan in Japan, where they can grow up to a foot in diameter. The people of Japan consider marimo a national treasure. They--marimo, I mean, not the people of Japan--really do look surprisingly like Zoro's head, so I cleverly use that as a patronizing nickname for him. (_Seriously. Go type it into an image search engine right now and see for yourself if you haven't already._)  
**Mary Sue**: That's mean, Big Brother!  
**Sanji**: Is it? (_He considers._) I guess it kinda is. I never really thought about it. Mary Sue, I think having you around will make me a Better Person!  
**Mary Sue**: Will you even quit smoking? If you don't remember, I have asthma.  
**Sanji**: Certainly! (_He extinguishes his cigarette._)  
**Mary Sue**: You're so good to me, Big Brother!  
**Sanji**: It's what big brothers are for.

(_Cut to the girls' room. It's late. **Nami** and **Mary Sue** are still awake, though, talking._)

**Nami**: Ah? So you're Sanji's twin sister?  
**Mary Sue**: Mmhm. It's funny; I never remembered those early years of my life, but slowly, I'm starting to now.  
**Nami**: I wonder why that is...?  
**Mary Sue**: Oh, plot device, I'm sure.  
**Nami**: Ahh. That must be it. Listen, I'm sorry I hit you over the head before.  
**Mary Sue**: Oh, you're forgiven.  
**Nami**: Tell me how you _really_ beat Zoro, huh?  
**Mary Sue**: I can't. It's a secret.  
**Nami**: That's no fun.  
**Mary Sue**: I'm sorry.  
**Nami**: Ah... I can't hold it against you. Let's be friends, okay!  
**Mary Sue**: BFF, even!

(_Cut to the deck of the Going Merry Go the next morning. It is much as it was the morning before, except **Sanji** and **Mary Sue** are having a conversation, and **Zoro** is watching them._)

**Luffy**: How are those two twins?  
**Chopper**: They're fraternal twins. They developed from two separate eggs. They would be no more identical than any other brother and sister.  
**Luffy**: No, no. They don't look _anything_ alike _at all_. For one thing, she has two eyes.  
**Chopper**: So does Sanji!  
**Luffy**: Liar.  
**Chopper**: No, really! I saw it! The left eye!  
**Luffy**: _Really?_  
**Chopper**: Uh-huh!  
**Usopp**: Luffy's right, though. They really don't look alike. Don't you think so, Zoro?  
**Zoro**: (_Startled._) Huh?  
**Usopp**: Sanji and his sister. They don't look alike at all, do they?  
**Zoro**: I wasn't looking at her! (_**Usopp**, **Luffy**, and **Chopper** exchange confused glances._)  
**Robin**: (_Approaching them._) Don't tell me: this is going to degrade quickly into a love story between Master Swordsman and Miss Independence Day. As an added bonus, there will be the secondary pairing of her brother, Master Cook, and her new "BFF," Miss Navigator, and the rest of us will be completely forgotten about.  
**Chopper**: No way!  
**Sanji**: (_Appearing suddenly beside **Robin**._) What's this about that shi--er, Zoro and my sister?  
**Zoro**: There's nothing "about" me and her, you stupid cook.  
**Sanji**: Why you--! I know I promised Mary Sue I'd be nicer to you, but every time you open your mouth it just pisses me off!  
**Zoro**: What was that, magic eyebrows?  
**Sanji**: Wha--! Stand up and say that again!  
**Zoro**: (_Stands up._) What was that, _magic eyebrows?_  
**Sanji**: That's it! I'm gonna kick your ass.  
**Zoro**: (_Getting ready to unsheathe his swords._) Try it.  
**Mary Sue**: (_Running between them._) Zoro! Big Brother! No! Don't fight! You see... the truth is... the truth is... the truth is _I love you, Zoro!_  
**Zoro**: (_A pause while he debates whether or not to say it._) ... I love you too, Mary Sue! (_They embrace._)  
**Usopp**: Why _does_ Zoro get all the girls, anyway?  
**Luffy**: Who knows...  
**Mary Sue**: Now that we've admitted our feelings to one another, I have an idea! Let's set my brother up with Nami, and then they can be as happy as we are!  
**Chopper**: Ooh, Robin! You totally called that one! You're so smart!  
**Usopp**: Ahh, nobody cares about _our_ happiness.  
**Luffy**: Not necessarily. It depends on the writer. Some people think you and Sanji should be a couple.  
**Usopp**: A couple of what?  
**Luffy**: You know, a _couple._  
**Usopp**: Me and _Sanji?_ Where does that even _come_ from?  
**Luffy**: From the same place that me and Zoro as a couple comes from, I guess.  
**Usopp**: No, no, see, I can find a margin of sense in that, because you're both so devoted to each other.  
**Luffy**: I am no more devoted to Zoro than any of my other comrades. Not to mention he's only as devoted to me as he is because I'm the _captain._ Hello? Have we forgotten about Zoro's strict code of honor? Why is he trying to become the world's strongest swordsman? Why does he let Nami push him around when he owes her money? For the same reason he would follow me to the ends of the earth: his code of honor. Nothing more. No, not even the desire to get into my pants.  
**Usopp**: That's not how it is at all, Luffy. It's because you're in love with each other and enjoy the hot sex. I mean. Not in this fic, obviously. But.  
**Luffy**: But he even _said_ that if I got in the way of his goal, he'd cut me down just like everybody else!  
**Usopp**: Just trust me, okay?  
**Luffy**: ... Okay!  
**Usopp**: But we haven't even touched on all the Zoro/Sanji writers! And there are a lot of them.  
**Luffy**: Well. Obviously. The way they're always fighting is clearly their way of releasing all the sexual tension between them.  
**Usopp**: You know, that's what I always thought too. So it's only logical to extrapolate that they might decide just to go straight for the sex. Heh, straight. No pun intended.  
**Luffy**: Hey, what about Robin?  
**Usopp**: Ah, I was hoping you'd ask that! You see, Robin is a strange case. Most writers tend to ignore her because she is so mysterious, and comes into the story so late--  
**Robin**: Oh, is that why? I was so afraid it was because you didn't like me! (_Tear._)  
**Usopp**: But writers that do pay attention to her tend to pair her with Zoro or Sanji.  
**Luffy**: She's a lot older than them, you know.  
**Usopp**: When will you learn that age is just a number, Luffy!  
**Luffy**: I'm sorry, Usopp! I'm trying. Why Zoro and Sanji?  
**Usopp**: Well, Zoro because he says he doesn't trust her, and many writers interpret that as, "I want to do bad, sexy things to you under the cover of night, baby."  
**Luffy**: Ah!  
**Usopp**: And others pair her with Sanji probably to get him out of the way so they can pair you with Nami.  
**Luffy**: _Really?_  
**Usopp**: Yep! You and Nami make a popular pairing, despite the fact that I, personally, have always interpreted your relationship as purely protective younger brother/exasperated but loving older sister. It's probably even more popular than Nami and Sanji, I'd say, which is odd as Nami and Sanji is closer to being canon. However, both are less popular than Nami and Zoro. But there's one I'm forgetting, my personal favorite: Nami and Vivi!  
**Luffy**: Oh, well _that's_ a given. They were so in love.  
**Usopp**: A tragic tale of love, loss, and more loss!  
**Luffy**: I thought that was _Bag of Crushed Child._  
**Usopp**: Do I get bonus points for such an obscure reference?  
**Luffy**: No; it's like referencing an inside joke. The _Un Chien Andalou_ reference is the closest thing to being genuinely "obscure" that we've had so far.  
**Usopp**: All right, I give up. However, that's not important! What _is_ important is that if Zoro is busy with Mary Sue, and Sanji is busy with Nami, then one of us gets Robin!  
**Robin**: Oh, Master Doctor! I've never felt this way about anyone before!  
**Chopper**: (_Giggling and doing a little dance._) Oh, shut up! Even if you say that, I don't believe you! Asshole!  
**Robin**: I love it when you're being contrary! It just makes me want to be with you even more!  
**Chopper**: Asshole!  
**Usopp**: ... This has gone way too far.

**Voiceover**: Next time: Zoro and Mary Sue plan their wedding! Sanji and Nami welcome their first little bundle of joy already! Robin and Chopper make it work, somehow! There are no other characters!

-----

A/N: I randomly created Newest Baroque Works Frontier Agent Miss Independence Day as the Ultimate _One Piece_ Mary Sue (yes, her name was meant to be an anvil). I didn't know much about her besides the fact that she was, randomly, from America, because all good--that is, "good" Mary Sues written by Americans are, but never really gave her much more thought. I figured this would be the best place to showcase her, because I could never live with myself if I wrote extensively about her.

Her birthday is actually March 24, though Sanji wouldn't let her explain that; they're still twins, though. Because I say so, is why; since when does this fic, or Mary Sues in general for that matter, require logic? Their mom totally could have been in labor for three weeks! You don't know! Most importantly, though, it's because my birthday is March 24. And yes, I am nineteen. Like I said, Ultimate _One Piece_ Mary Sue; I had to go all-out. (I had already had her down as Sanji's sister before I realized it worked out like that, so don't throw rotten tomatoes at me just yet... no matter how much I deserve it.)

Most importantly, I hope I didn't offend anyone with the stuff about fic writers. It was said with tongue firmly in cheek and I mean all of this in good fun!

As for music... you all listen to Frou Frou already, right? Good; then I don't have to rec them.

♥! Thanks for reading!


	14. Revamp the Seventh

A/N: ... Seriously. Cannot apologize enough. I feel like I should be doing Hail Marys for that last one, and I'm not even Catholic.

-----

Uno's assistant trudged in, looking exhausted, and flopped down in a chair across from his desk. She was still in her Miss Independence Day outfit, minus the hat and boots. "We're cancelled now, right?"

"No such luck. Ratings actually went _up."_

_"How_ is that possible?"

"Your guess is as good as mine. You'll be glad to hear, however--" he paused here, and she cracked one of her eyes open to look at him-- "that you've been discharged from Baroque Works. They want to take the show in _another_ different direction."

"But if the ratings went _up--"_

"Yeah, I really don't understand it either, but let's not question it, hm?"

"Good plan. Oh thank _god."_

"Right. So you're officially my assistant again." He slid a familiar-looking envelope across the table at her. "Get that to the writers!"

She'd never been so happy to follow one of his commands.


	15. Murder on the Merry Express

A/N: Pseudo-relatedly, I was reading over this fan site for OP (I won't even TRY to link it, thankyouverymuch ff.n), and they refer to Chopper's "scary man-beast form" as... his man beast form. Damn. And I really thought I'd been clever and come up with that all on my own. Which raises the following question: is it actually called that in the series, and I've just been deluding myself the whole time? WHAT IS TRUTH!

Anyway, with regards to this particular vignette, I've been meaning to do it for ages, but somehow it slipped my mind repeatedly (my mind is, in fact, a very slippery place).

-----

**Voiceover**: The _Going Merry Go_. To an outsider, it would look like any other small vessel. But on a dark and not necessarily stormy night, her passengers are about to make a gruesome discovery, perpetrated by one of their own. But whodunnit? With what? And where? This is _Murder on the Merry Express._

(_Cut to the deck of the Merry. **Luffy** bursts through one of the doors._)

**Luffy**: Everyone! Come quick! It's terrible, terrible! ... Why am I wearing a maid's uniform? (_He is, by the way; did I forget to mention that?_)

(_Anyway, cut to the lounge area as everyone packs in. Strangely, it seems much bigger than usual and filled with more books. It is also lit entirely by candlelight. In addition to **Luffy**'s new outfit, the others also seem to be in different attire than normal: **Chopper** is wearing a smart, deep purple suit and a (very adorable, of course) monocle; **Usopp**'s overalls have been exchanged for a similarly-colored military uniform; **Robin** is wearing an uncharacteristically conservative but elegant blue-green gown; **Nami** is dressed in a very revealing slinky dress that is deep red in color; **Sanji**'s suit is much the same as usual, but a deep green instead of black._)

**Sanji**: Is this about that missing meat from a million episodes ago?  
**Robin**: Aren't all these candles just sitting around like this a fire hazard, especially on a wooden ship? And where's Master Swordsman?  
**Luffy**: Right there! (_He points. Lying on the floor as if he fell there and was too dead to rearrange himself is **Zoro**. He is wearing a spiffy suit as well, though fat lot of good it's doing him in that position._) I found him like that! He's dead!  
**Zoro**: (_Under his breath._) ... Why am I a dead body?  
**Luffy**: (_Planting a foot firmly on the side of **Zoro**'s face._) Dead men tell no tales.  
**Zoro**: (_Looking up around **Luffy**'s foot._) I see Paris, I see France--  
**Luffy**: (_Quickly rearranging his skirt to cover himself better, he shifts more of his weight to the foot on **Zoro**'s face._) Anyway, it's--hey, the missing meat! What _about_ that?  
**Sanji**: You only just now realized what I said!  
**Usopp**: Don't worry about the meat; I'm sure it just fell into a plot hole.  
**Luffy**: Ah, probably, Colonel.  
**Chopper**: _Colonel?_ (_He looks at **Usopp** with newfound awe, stars in his eyes._)  
**Luffy**: That's what I said, Professor.  
**Chopper**: _Professor?_ (_He looks back at **Luffy**. The air around him seems to sparkle with excitement._)  
**Nami**: Wait a minute, I know where this is going. (_She points to each of them in turn._) Luffy's Mrs. White, Robin's Mrs. Peacock, Usopp's Colonel Mustard, Chopper's Professor Plum, Sanji's Mr. Green, I'm Miss Scarlet, and Zoro's Mr. Boddy? This is so played out.  
**Luffy**: I'm not a "Mrs."  
**Robin**: Nor am I, Ma--er, Mrs. White, but it seems that for the sake of this crossover, that is our designated role.  
**Luffy**: I don't wanna!  
**Zoro**: At least you're not a _dead body._  
**Sanji**: You're awfully _noisy_ for a dead body. No wonder they never give you lines; you can't even play a corpse properly!  
**Zoro**: That's it--Luffy, move your foot!  
**Luffy**: Dead men also don't kick the crap out of live men.  
**Sanji**: Who's kicking the crap out of _whom_ now?  
**Zoro**: He won't be _live_ when I get through with him!  
**Usopp**: Ahh, their love transcends even death. (_A knowing look to **Luffy**, who nods his agreement._)  
**Sanji**: (_Now turning his anger towards **Usopp**._) Say that again and we'll see if _you_ can transcend death.  
**Robin**: I think I've seen this done before, but with X-Men.  
**Nami**: Yeah, me too. It had more death, but less slapstick, so that gives it a +2 over this crapfest.  
**Robin**: It was also mercifully free from crossdressing.  
**Nami**: Yes, so +5 more! -- Oh, wait! No it wasn't!  
**Robin**: You're right! -5, then.  
**Nami**: And it was Mrs. White, too! What a gyp! Man, all I'm saying is that if Mr. 2 turns out to be behind this, I'm going to be severely disappointed.  
**Sanji**: Mr. 2? What does that shitty weirdo have to do with anything?  
**Nami**: Never mind, Sanji-Green.  
**Usopp**: It won't be Mr. 2 because the network wouldn't want to pay for a guest star like that.  
**Luffy**: Ah, but they have done in the past! Once even just because you said they wouldn't. So maybe it _will_ be Mr. 2.  
**Robin**: Well, there's a simple solution to _that_ theory. We all just have to touch our cheeks with out left hands. If nobody turns into Mr. 2, then we know he isn't here.  
**Chopper**: Ooh! Robin, you're so smart!  
**Robin**: Shall we, then? (_Everybody does so. Nobody turns into **Mr. 2**, much to the relief of **Payroll**._)  
**Luffy**: Hey! Zoro didn't do it.  
**Zoro**: One, your foot is on my face. Two, I'm dead! Why would I be Mr. 2, the murderer, _and_ the one he murdered?  
**Luffy**: Ah! (_Raising a triumphant finger skywards._) So it was suicide! Mr. 2, you should have come to us if you were having problems.  
**Usopp**: (_Aside to **Chopper**._) Notice how Zoro seems to be getting more lines as a corpse than he does normally? And anyway, wouldn't it have made more sense to make _him_ Mr. Green, given the color of his hair and all?  
**Sanji**: Hey. Are you suggesting I ought to be the one on the floor with Luffy's foot on my face?  
**Nami**: (_Snapping her fingers suddenly._) Wasn't Mr. Green gay?  
**Robin**: Oh! You're right, Miss N--Scarlet.  
**Sanji**: Whaaa_aaat?_  
**Chopper**: Not if you watched the real ending! In that one, he was the one who killed Mr. Boddy, with the revolver. He was actually a plant!  
**Nami**: I thought guys like that were usually called a fruit. (_Beat._) Wait. Haven't we stolen _enough_ from other movies already?  
**Zoro**: You were the one who said it...  
**Luffy**: Ohh! (_Pointing a finger at **Sanji**._) So it was you all along, Mr. Green! Or should I say... _Mr. 2, Bon Clay!_  
**Others**: It's not Mr. 2!  
**Luffy**: ... Maybe the butler, then?  
**Usopp**: There _is_ no butler.  
**Chopper**: The closest thing we have to a butler is... (_He gasps, suddenly, and freezes. His head slowly and jerkily turns to look at **Luffy**._)  
**Luffy**: What is it?  
**Chopper**: AAAAH! (_He runs to hide behind **Robin**._)  
**Luffy**: What? (_He blinks, nonplussed._)  
**Usopp**: I know the best way to solve this case. Years of fighting hard battles on the front lines has taught me much!  
**Sanji**: You're... not actually a colonel.  
**Usopp**: Yes, the solution goes like this! (_Everybody waits, expectantly. There is a long pause. Suddenly, his hand shoots up into the air._) Not it! (_Long silence. Finally, **Sanji** and **Nami** both take it upon themselves to clock **Usopp** on the head._)  
**Zoro**: It's kind of hard to see from this position, but I'm going to assume you did what I think you did, and... thanks.  
**Nami**: It was nothing.  
**Usopp**: (_Somewhat lumpier._) Says you...  
**Chopper**: (_Shaking a little bit as he speaks._) Anyway... we need to be serious and figure out who _really_ killed Zoro! I mean, Mr. Boddy!  
**Robin**: Actually, I already have a thought on the subject.  
**Chopper**: So you think it's Mrs. White too!  
**Luffy**: Ah! So it was _you, _M--wait. That's me!  
**Chopper**: S-so you admit it, then!  
**Luffy**: (_Genuine awe._) Wow. I _never_ would have suspected _me!_ I'm so good I even fooled myself!  
**Others**: It... wasn't him, after all.  
**Robin**: No, listen: Mr. Boddy--Master Swordsman--isn't really dead at all.  
**Chopper**: W-what! But you can see him, right there!  
**Zoro**: Aren't you a doctor...?  
**Robin**: But he's been conversing with us quite freely this whole time.  
**Zoro**: She's right, you know.  
**Luffy**: So he's a ghost! (_His eyes widen._) SO COOL.  
**Sanji**: You of all people should know that _isn't_ true. You've got your foot on his face.  
**Zoro**: Yeah, about that--  
**Luffy**: He's a very _convincing_ ghost.  
**Nami**: Ahh, I'm done with this one. I'm going to bed. (_She turns to leave._)  
**Sanji**: Wait, Miss Nami! I'll protect you from the murderers! (_He hurries after._)  
**Robin**: I had better make sure Master Cook stays out of the room, then. (_She follows behind._)  
**Chopper**: (_Looking up at **Usopp**._) So is that it, then? Are we done?  
**Usopp**: It certainly looks that way.  
**Zoro**: Hey, Luffy. Get your foot off my face.  
**Luffy**: What? Oh. Sorry. (_He does so._)  
**Zoro**: Thanks... (_He sits up, rubbing his face, which has a nice sandal print on it. He stretches, yawning, and gets up to go to bed as well._) And change out of that ridiculous outfit.  
**Luffy**: What, this? ... But I like it.  
**Zoro**: (_Holding up his hands._) I'm not even gonna go there. (_He leaves._)  
**Luffy**: Wait! (_Running after._) What's wrong with it? Does it make me look fat...?  
**Usopp**: (_Exchanging another look with **Chopper**._) ... Well. That was anticlimactic.

**Voiceover**: Next time: Mrs. White goes vigilante to avenge the crime (but in a new outfit). Mrs. Peacock manages to save Miss Scarlet from Mr. Green's protection. Colonel Mustard is sent back to the front lines. Professor Plum is adorable. Mr. Boddy is dead... _or is he?_

-----

A/N: It's entirely plausible that Mr. 2 can touch his left cheek _without_ necessarily changing back (all though I think the need for Xs in Alabasta was more of Oda's way of being "YAY FRIENDS" than anything else... just speculating), but for the sake of MY CANON WHERE I AM GOD, this is not the case. And ultimately, it's a moot point, because the "culprit" was not Mr. 2.

The fic that Nami and Robin briefly discussed exists. I wrote it. It is called _Clue_, and it is uploaded here on ff.n. /shameless. (Yes, I actually did completely forget that there was crossdressing; that was my mistake, not Robin's. I caught it when I was editing. I really do only have one way of doing any given thing.)

There's just something about _Clue_ (the board game, or, if you prefer, the amazing 1985 film starring the equally amazing Tim Curry, also referenced herein) that makes the perfect murder mystery (outside of Poirot and Holmes): a number of characters equal to the number of crew members on the _Merry_ with colorful (literally) names running around in different rooms making mad guesses about a murder with only a deck of cards to guide them! Wait, what?

... Go listen to some Rilo Kiley. And read HBP! NOW! ♥ 


	16. Revamp the Eighth

A/N: I've been avoiding... er, I mean _saving_ the one that's coming next. But, like Miss Independence Day, it had to be done, and I fear I can put it off no longer.

-----

"Why aren't you out of that outfit yet?"

"I haven't had time to change, what with you making me run around and me trying to read the new Harry Potter and all! I haven't even gotten to see _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ yet."

"Okay, enough with the pop culture references, fangirl. Let's see..." Uno opened the envelope and turned quite pale. "... Oh no. They're going there."

"Going where, sir?"

"I can't believe they want us to go there!"

"... Sir? Is this as bad as the gender-switch one?"

"Oh, it has the potential to be much, _much_ worse." He handed her the envelope. "Take this to the writers, but let them know I'm calling in some help. I wonder if Andrew Lloyd Webber is available...?"


	17. One Piece: The Musical!

A/N: I'm going to see _Wicked_ tonight (w007!). The timing of that and the publishing of this were _completely_ unintentional; it was entirely serendipitous and, if I do say so myself, appropriate!

I am tone deaf. Aside from a few years marching clarinet and bass drum, I have never had any musical inclinations whatsoever, and honestly, I think the world is better off for it.

Andrew Lloyd Webber was not available.

-----

**Voiceover**: Oh yeah, we went there! That's right, put on your dancing shoes and get ready to boogie, it's _One Piece: The Musical!_

(_Curtain. Shuffling in from stage right are **Zoro**, **Nami**, and **Usopp**; stage left, **Robin**, **Chopper**, and **Sanji**. They sing._)

(_Number: "The Straw Hat Pirates."_)  
**All**: Straw Hats!  
We are the Straw Hat Pirates!  
We don't pillage, plunder, or rape,  
But we're skilled at great escapes,  
With our superpowers, in some cases,  
We are awesome pirate aces,  
Though our numbers may be small,  
We are the greatest of them all,  
Following our dreams, we sail the seas  
One day we'll find it, One Piece!  
ZORO!

**Zoro**: Pirate-hunter Zoro, that's what they called me,  
Now I'm a pirate with a sizable bounty!  
I made a big promise back when I was wee,  
To be the greatest swordsman that the world's ever seen!  
I'm still working at it, but in the meanwhile,  
Cross me and I'll kick your ass, three-sword style!

**All**: NAMI!

**Nami**: I'm cute, I'm intelligent, I'm ultra-stylish,  
To draw a map of the world is my greatest wish!  
I love money and tangerines and that's about it,  
I'm a master thief and dream of being rich!  
I'll use my feminine wiles to get my way,  
If that bothers you, tough; that's just how I play!

**All**: USOPP!

**Usopp**: Captain Usopp, as I'm known to my friends;  
Okay, I admit, I just like to pretend!  
One day, I'll be a brave warrior the seas,  
Just like my great father who came before me!  
A master with a slingshot, I've got a great eye,  
I just pull back the strap and let that star fly!

**All**: SANJI!

**Sanji**: Good evening, ladies; would you like a sorbet?  
Making you fine dishes is my number one forte!  
I'll be everything you need, I'll treat you like a queen,  
I'll do whatever you want, and I'll never be mean!  
But just because I'm a gentleman, men, don't think I'm meek,  
Or else watch out, bastard, I'll kick your ass to next week!

**All**: CHOPPER!

**Chopper**: I am a blue-nosed reindeer born on Christmas Eve,  
I was shunned by my kin so I decided to leave!  
I ate the Hito Hito fruit, so now I'm half man,  
And when it comes to helping people, I do what I can!  
You see, I'm a doctor, and I've studied for years,  
I think that's quite a lot for a blue-nosed reindeer!

**All**: ROBIN!

**Robin**: I've been wanted by the government since I was eight,  
Running from the law seems to be my only fate!  
I ate the Hana Hana fruit, my past's a mystery,  
I go from group to group in search of the true history!  
When it comes to kicking butt, well, I do what I must,  
So you better be careful--I'm armed and dangerous!

**All**: But wait, we're not through yet,  
For the last, we've saved the best,  
Our captain and our leader,  
Yeah, we can't believe it either,  
Please don't judge, he's kind of goofy,  
Here he is, Monkey D. Luffy!

(_**All** turn to the ceiling, where a replica of the Going Merry Go is being lowered. Standing proudly on the deck is **Luffy**._)

**Luffy**: I was one who was born with the will of D,  
Though I'm not entirely sure exactly what that means!  
From my youth, I idolized the former pirate king,  
And now, for myself, I've got really huge dreams!  
I know that I will follow them through until the end,  
And I will always, always stand up for my friends!

**All**: Don't judge us by our looks,  
Like the cover of a book,  
We are more than what we seem,  
Out here chasing our dreams,  
On the Grand Line is where we sail,  
Through storm, sun, and gale,  
One day you will come to see,  
Just how strong we can be,  
Mistaking us will be your last,  
Make no mistake, we'll kick your ass!

**Luffy**: (_Spoken._) I am the man who will become the pirate king!

(_The stage darkens. All exit but **Zoro**, who crosses to center. Spotlight._)

(_Number: "Zoro's Lament (Kuina, Why'd You Have To Fall Down the Stairs?)"_)  
**Zoro**: When I was just a boy,  
It seemed like I could do anything;  
Everyone looked up to me,  
I was like a boy-king.

But they were mistaken in their worship,  
There was one thing I could not do,  
One simple thing, it should have been a breeze:  
But I simply could not... beat you.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?  
We made a promise to each other, didn't we?  
You kicked my ass every time we fought,  
You were always so much stronger than me.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?  
Now I'll never get another chance to beat you,  
But I'm trying to keep my end of the bargain,  
To this day, I'm trying to follow through.

I met a Marine a while back,  
Tashigi, I believe was her name;  
She looks just like you, Kuina,  
Now I can't fight her, I'm so lame.

You could have been the greatest in the world, Kuina,  
But instead you took a tumble down the stairs.  
What a stupid way for someone like you to die;  
Sometimes, the world just isn't fair.

Kuina, why'd you have to fall down the stairs?  
We made a promise to each other, didn't we?  
Now I'm going to follow through all alone,  
Like I know you'd follow through without me.

(_With that, **Zoro** bursts into tears and walks to upstage right, where he takes a seat and continues to sob. More lights come up. Entering from stage left is **Nami**, followed closely by **Sanji**._)

(_Number: "Sanji's Love Is a Ten-Course Buffet."_)  
**Sanji**: Miss Nami, I'd like to make you an offer,  
That you simply cannot refuse.

**Nami**: Try me.

**Sanji**: Now hear me out fully, wait till I'm done,  
I would not want to leave you bemused.

**Nami**: I'm listening.

**Sanji**: Now you see, Miss Nami, the truth of it is,  
That my love for you is a ten-course buffet;  
You could partake of it for all of eternity,  
And I'd still have more to give away!

**Nami**: That's nice.

**Sanji**: My love is like pheasant under glass,  
If you'd only just remove the lid!  
Or fine lobster, slow-broiled to perfection,  
Simply crack the shell and dig in!

**Nami**: Is that so.

**Sanji**: There's nothing half-baked about it,  
No rare steak to be seen here today,  
Not caviar, not sushi, nothing of the sort,  
Clearly, I mean everything I say!

**Nami**: Of course.

**Sanji**: So Miss Nami, you must understand,  
My love for you is a ten-course buffet!  
I invite you to take whatever you like,  
That is, all of me--what do you say?

**Nami**: Well...  
You see, the truth of it is, dear Sanji,  
Your love may be like a ten-course buffet.

**Sanji**: Yes? Yes?

**Nami**: But coincidentally enough,  
I'm starting a new diet today!

**Sanji**: (_Deflating._) Ahh...

(_They retire upstage as well. **Usopp** enters, stage left, followed by **Chopper**, who looks very adorable and excited by something._)

(_Number: "The Truth of It Is."_)  
**Usopp**: Did I ever tell you about the time,  
I fought the Zombie Armies of the West?  
I was outnumbered one to one million;  
Let me tell you, it was quite a mess!

But I managed to remain calm,  
And rationally thought about it,  
And I remembered that a zombie's weakness,  
Would be a mixture of Jello and turtle spit!

Alas, there were no turtles around;  
But fear not, for fortunately,  
In anticipation of such a predicament,  
I had brought a vial with me!

With speed unknown to normal men,  
I whipped the two together like that,  
And launched it at the nearest zombie,  
Where it hit with a hard splat!

"Take that!" I shouted at the mob,  
"You ugly zombies, this is what you get,  
When you mess with Captain Usopp,  
A name you'll not soon forget!"

It fell into the dirt, writhing and hissing,  
And a combination of hearing my name,  
And seeing this inevitable outcome,  
Caused the rest to turn and ran away!

**Chopper**: I'm so amazed by what you tell me,  
I think you are the coolest,  
I know you have tons more stories,  
And I'd love to hear the rest!

**Usopp**: Ah, hearing such words from you,  
To lie more would make me less of a man.

**Chopper**: Lie?

**Usopp**: Yes, it's true, I lied just now:  
The zombies only numbered a thousand!

**Chopper**: Oh...!

(_They join **Nami** and **Sanji** upstage, and in the background, it seems the four of them notice **Zoro** and begin to discuss, in pantomime, the fact that he is still sitting there bawling. Enter **Robin**, stage right._)

(_Number: "The Spoiler Song."_)  
**Robin**: I'm tired of being called mysterious,  
It's getting very frustrating,  
So I'm just going to spill what happens next,  
Because I know you're all tired of waiting.

You see, the story about what happened  
To that Marine ship when I was eight  
Is, as follows--

(_**Luffy** runs on from stage left._)

**Luffy**: (_Waving his arms wildly._) Stop!  
**Robin**: What?  
**Luffy**: You can't tell them that!  
**Robin**: Why not? I was just going to say that I--  
**Luffy**: No! No! You can't say that.  
**Robin**: Well, can I tell them about what happens to--  
**Luffy**: No, you can't say that either!  
**Robin**: What about how--  
**Luffy**: You _definitely_ can't say that one!  
**Robin**: Why not?  
**Luffy**: Spoilers.  
**Robin**: (_Exasperated._) You know, the fact that I even join the crew at all could, and probably _should,_ be considered a spoiler. How do you decide what's a spoiler and what's not?  
**Luffy**: I'm the captain. I just _decide._  
**Robin**: ... I... know that's not an entirely logical statement, and yet I can't seem to find a way to argue with it. Does this mean I don't get a song?  
**Luffy**: I'm afraid so.  
**Robin**: Ah, well. I suppose I'll just fade into the back and point at Master Swordsman with the others.  
**Luffy**: No need, it's time for the reprise anyway.  
**Robin**: Already?  
**Luffy**: Yeah; we do have time constraints, you know.  
**Robin**: Ah, I suppose that's true.

(_The whole stage is fully lit now. Everyone comes downstage._)

(_Number: "The Straw Hats (Reprise)."_)  
**All**: Thank you all for coming here,  
To us, your devotion is very dear!  
We realize the extreme lack of plot;  
The writing isn't given much thought!  
We hope that you'll come back,  
And give this show another crack,  
Sail with us on these seas,  
In search of the fabled One Piece!  
One Piece!  
One Piece!

**Usopp**: One P--_d'oh!_

(_Curtain._)

**Voiceover**: You can purchase the original cast recording on Shitty Records, which is under the same management as the Baratie restaurant! Baratie, for all your getting-lost-out-at-sea-nearly-starving-and-randomly-finding-us-so-you-can-eat-again needs!

-----

A/N: ... This was so incredibly hard to write. OMG. You don't even know. Poetry, lyrics, all of the above... so not my forte. Also, I know zilch about fine dining, all though I did have lobster once (I hate seafood, but it was pretty good). I just wrote the song titles and tried to write a song to go with them (in fact, a large contributing factor to me not chickening out of this entirely was that I really wanted to write a song called, "Kuina, Why'd You Have to Fall Down the Stairs?").

In case you were wondering, I actually _did_ have specific spoilers in mind every time Robin tried to say one, but refrained from even hinting at what they are. Go me?

I think you have had enough of music for now. I know I certainly have.


	18. Revamp the Ninth

A/N: (_Hums "Kuina, Why'd You Have to Fall Down the Stairs?"_)

I spent several hours trying to do SOMETHING with my personal domain (neverending-dream dot com), which has sat around as a dumping ground for any images I needed to host since _November._ I keep looking at it and going, "I spent all day doing _that?"_ So I got a little behind on this again. (Also, had to spend several hours the day before last wiping and re-setting up my computer, which I finally got back from the shop, and some time yesterday removing half of the old carpet in my room... okay, nobody cares. I'm done.)

-----

"Sir, I knocked but you didn't answer--" Uno's assistant trailed off, noticing he wasn't paying attention. She approached his desk. "Sir? ... _Sir?"_

Uno looked up suddenly. His voice was much louder than usual. "Oh, it's you! I didn't hear you come in!"

"Sir, why are you shouting?"

"What? I can't hear you, I've--" He sighed, pulling something out of each of his ears: earplugs. "What was that?"

"Never mind, I think I understand now."

"Ah, it's just that I could _hear_ them rehearsing, and it was driving me up the wall."

"Understandably so, sir. And luckily for both of us, we won't have to do that again. Here are the newest instructions."

As he took the envelope, Uno noticed something. "You're still wearing that damned costume."

"Actually, this one's slightly different. You see, it's short-sleeved, and the neckline isn't as low, plus with the addition of a smart, star-spangled tie, it's like festive office-wear."

He rolled his eyes but chose not to respond as he opened the envelope. "Hm... well. That sounds quiet... _quieter_, at least. Get it to the writers!"


	19. Once Upon a Merry

A/N: Agh. For some reason, I kept getting writer's block. This is the first vignette that I actually started writing as something else, gave up, and had to think up a new idea. I think it's just because my mind has been on other things for the last few days. Fear not; I have no real life! I will keep plugging away at this until I've exhausted all my options.

-----

**Voiceover**: In a magical land far, far away, we're going to find that dreams really do come true, and happily ever after is closer than you think!

(_Cut to a grassy green area in front of a magical-looking forest. Besides the trees, the only thing of note around is a large tower. Aside from a window near the top, there doesn't seem to be a way to get in or out of the tower. From out of the forest meanders a horse, upon whose back is **Zoro**, who is dressed rather poncily, with pantaloons and white gloves._)

**Zoro**: Ahh, man... where _am_ I?  
**Nami**: (_She appears at the window, looking down expectantly._) Is that my prince come to res--oh. It's just you.  
**Zoro**: (_He peers up at her._) What the hell are you doing up there?  
**Nami**: I don't know the exact story, but I think it involved witches and possibly a midget?  
**Zoro**: What?  
**Nami**: Like I said, I don't know.  
**Zoro**: Well, whatever; just come down. (_He climbs off his horse._)  
**Nami**: If I could, don't you think I would?  
**Zoro**: Is there any way I could possibly help you?  
**Nami**: Absolutely not. Whoever rescues me is supposed to be my true love.  
**Zoro**: Ooh, forget about it, then.  
**Nami**: (_She throws a shoe out the window; it hits him squarely in the head._) Thanks a lot, jerk!  
**Zoro**: Ow! You said it yourself!  
**Nami**: It's okay when _I_ say it!  
**Sanji**: (_He gallops in on his own horse, shouting. He is dressed elegantly as well, all though no pantaloons or gloves._) Ah! Miss Nami! I came as quickly as I could! I am here to rescue you, your own Mr. Prince! (_He jumps off his horse._)  
**Nami**: Ahh, jeez, are these my only two choices?  
**Sanji**: Miss Nami! Please, jump into my arms; I will catch you! I will assure no harm comes to you, even at the risk of my own life!  
**Nami**: No thanks, I like it up here!  
**Sanji**: Then I'll come up to you!  
**Nami**: No, that's okay! I wouldn't want you to bother!  
**Sanji**: It's no bother!  
**Nami**: No, really, I--hey, look! It's Usopp! (_She points. Sure enough, **Usopp** toddles over to them, stiffly._)  
**Zoro**: Where'd you come from?  
**Usopp**: I dunno...  
**Sanji**: Are you okay? Your performance is a little wooden today.  
**Usopp**: I just... wish I could be a real boy!  
**Zoro**: ... Huh?  
**Usopp**: Huh?  
**Zoro**: You said something about being a "real boy"?  
**Usopp**: Ah! That. It's nothing. (_His nose grows an inch._)  
**Sanji**: ACK! What the hell is wrong with your face?  
**Usopp**: Why must you judge? I am just the way God made me!  
**Zoro**: I think he means how your nose just grew on its own.  
**Usopp**: Oh, that. Well, you see, I was in this mortal combat with a witch, and I was kicking her ass, and then she cast this spell on my nose just before I beat her, so it just grows randomly. I don't know. (_His nose grows three more inches._)  
**Nami**: Liar! It grows when you tell a lie, doesn't it?  
**Usopp**: ... No. (_It grows another inch._) ... Yes. (_No reaction._)  
**Zoro**: What makes it go back to normal? Or, well, the way it usually is, anyway. Coffee? Cold showers?  
**Usopp**: Those are ways to get rid of a hangover, and they don't work on that, either. No, much like a hangover, the only thing that gets rid of this is time.  
**Sanji**: Why doesn't it shrink every time you tell the truth? I mean, not that that would necessarily do you any _good._  
**Usopp**: Hey.  
**Sanji**: And... now that I get a better look, I wasn't kidding about being wooden, was I? (_He raps his knuckles on **Usopp**'s shoulder; it makes a sharp knocking sound, like a door._)  
**Nami**: Oh, great. He's a freaking puppet.  
**Usopp**: Hey! I got no strings to hold me down! Why are you up in a tower?  
**Zoro**: (_Offhandedly._) Something about a midget.  
**Usopp**: Huh?  
**Zoro**: Anyway, I wonder where Luffy and Robin and Chopper are? These pantaloons are itchy.  
**Sanji**: Yeah, and they give you little girly legs.  
**Zoro**: What was that, magic eyebrows?  
**Sanji**: Why do you always have to bring my eyebrows into it, you shitty Marimo?  
**Zoro**: Because your mom asked me not to bring her into it anymore.  
**Usopp**: Ooh! I can't believe he went there!  
**Sanji**: What--? You don't even know my mom!  
**Zoro**: I'm sure she'd tell a different story!  
**Sanji**: Why you--that's it, I'm kicking your ass.  
**Zoro**: That's funny, it doesn't _feel_ like I'm getting my ass kicked.  
**Sanji**: That's because I haven't started yet.  
**Zoro**: Oh? I couldn't tell. I'll just be over here taking a nap; wake me up when you get serious.  
**Nami**: My princes... (_**Robin**, also dressed like she stepped out of a fairy tale, emerges from the woods just then, carrying a frog._) Oh! Robin! (_**Zoro** and **Sanji** stop bickering to look._)  
**Sanji**: Ah! Dear Robin, I see you found us dinner! It's a little small to feed all of us, though...  
**Robin**: I'm afraid this frog isn't meant to be eaten, Master Cook. You see, it's actually Master Doctor.  
**Zoro**: Oh--Chopper! How did that happen?  
**Chopper**: Rumble Ball accident...  
**Zoro**: Ah, well. Man, these things are driving me crazy. (_He pulls off one of his gloves, then leans against the tower with his hand while he goes to pull the other one off with his teeth. However, the second he touches the tower, it turns to solid gold._)  
**Nami**: (_Berry signs appear in her eyes._) Oh--! MY PRINCE! Put your gloves back on and catch me; I'm jumping down!  
**Zoro**: (_He looks at his hands, confused._) The hell?  
**Nami**: My prince! Hello!  
**Zoro**: Shut up; I'm not going to catch you.  
**Sanji**: You bastard! If Miss Nami asks you to catch her, no matter the reason, you catch her without question! (_**Zoro** jerks forward, making as if to touch **Sanji** with his bare hand, but **Sanji** lurches back out of his reach._) Don't touch me with those, you shitty Marimo!  
**Zoro**: Why not? Nami would love you a lot more if you were solid gold.  
**Sanji**: (_Briefly, he considers this, but then dismisses it._) Don't be stupid! If I were a statue, I couldn't cook for her or wait on her or protect her!  
**Zoro**: Besides, I can't imagine you'd want me to catch her, or did you miss the part about how it's only supposed to be her true love?  
**Sanji**: _What?_ You better not catch her, you shitty bastard. I'll do it and I don't need your help!  
**Chopper**: Um... Robin... I have a favor to ask. If you don't want to do it, that's okay.  
**Robin**: What is it, Master Doctor?  
**Chopper**: Well... I read about a case similar to mine in a book once, and the cure was... well... (_He whispers it in her ear._)  
**Robin**: Oh! Of course, Master Doctor. (_She raises him up to face level and plants a small kiss on his froggy lips. Instantly, there is a puff of smoke, and suddenly, normal, adorable **Chopper** is standing before her._)  
**Chopper**: It worked! (_He blushes deeply._)  
**Robin**: (_She gives him a smile._) I'm glad, Master Doctor.  
**Sanji**: Oh--! Robin! Dear Robin! I've been feeling a little froggy myself lately! Ribbit! Ribbit!  
**Zoro**: (_He sighs heavily; under his breath._) You really are an idiot, aren't you? (_Suddenly, **Luffy** comes ambling out of the woods._) Hey--where have you been?  
**Luffy**: (_He shrugs._) Spinning gold for some king or something.  
**Nami**: You can spin gold! Luffy! Luffy, will you do me a favor?  
**Luffy**: Huh? Nami, why are you in a big gold tower?  
**Nami**: That doesn't matter! I'm going to jump down and you catch me, okay?  
**Luffy**: Sure! (_**Nami** gets ready to jump. **Sanji**, however, nails **Luffy** with a kick to the face._)  
**Sanji**: Over my dead body!  
**Luffy**: What'd you do that for! (_He gets ready to punch **Sanji**._)  
**Sanji**: Miss Nami is only supposed to be rescued by her true love, idiot! And that isn't you!  
**Luffy**: ... Oh. I didn't know. He's got me there, Nami!  
**Usopp**: You know, I can spin straw into gold. (_His nose grows another inch. He hangs his head._) ... No I can't.  
**Nami**: Stay out of this, Sanji!  
**Sanji**: Miss Nami--!  
**Luffy**: (_He points skyward suddenly._) That's a funny-looking bird. (_Everyone else looks where he's pointing._)  
**Sanji**: Idiot, that's not a bird! It's a dragon!  
**Luffy**: (_He squints._) I don't see it.  
**Sanji**: There's a big difference between the two!  
**Robin**: He's right, Master Captain. That does indeed appear to be a dragon.  
**Zoro**: Oh! Well, I'll just--hey, where the hell are my swords?  
**Sanji**: That's what you get for needing a weapon besides your own body.  
**Usopp**: You know, you've never noticed before when your swords were gone. That's pretty out-of-character for you.  
**Zoro**: Well, I barely even get the chance to _say_ what I'm thinking, don't I?  
**Sanji**: No, you just barely _think._  
**Robin**: The dragon's coming this way. (_It lands in front of them with a crash. **Special Effects** wets themselves._)  
**Chopper**: A dragon! (_He hides himself behind **Usopp**, who is already hiding himself behind **Robin**._)  
**Usopp**: (_He peeks out from behind **Robin**._) You don't know who you're dealing with, Mr. Dragon! You should just get lost right now!  
**Dragon**: GOR! (_He looks at **Usopp**, who whimpers and ducks back behind his shield._)  
**Luffy**: Don't worry, leave this one to me. G--  
**Zoro**: Don't bother. (_He sighs heavily, walking past **Luffy**, and puts a hand on the dragon. It instantly turns to solid gold._)  
**Luffy**: Why'd you do that? It was totally my turn.  
**Nami**: (_She shrieks with delight, pointing at the dragon._) Ah! That one! I call it! It's mine! Get your hands off it; I call dibs!  
**Sanji**: This is so unfair. I'm not a shitty frog, I can't turn crap to gold... All I've got is this stupid rock. (_He pulls it out of his pocket and looks at it._)  
**Robin**: Oh--! Could that be? A philosopher's stone?  
**Sanji**: What do I care about some shitty rock?  
**Usopp**: No, don't you see? With a philosopher's stone, you can turn--  
**Sanji**: I really don't care. Here, _you_ can have it. (_He shoves it at **Usopp**, then walks off in a huff. Testy, testy!_)  
**Chopper**: Robin, is a philosopher's stone what I think it is?  
**Robin**: Yes. Not only can it grant the user immortality, but it can also turn anything to gold.  
**Usopp**: You know, I made a philosopher's stone once. (_His nose grows two more inches._)

**Voiceover**: Next time: Chopper turns back into a frog, causing some problems in his relationship with Robin. Nami tries to win the attention of Luffy or Zoro, whoever caves first. Usopp is determined to become a real boy.

-----

A/N: I make no secret of the fact that I 'ship Robin and Chopper (or "Robber," as I call them); have you _seen_ episode 131 (all though I 'shipped them before that; I was totally a pioneer)? Robin and Chopper, man. Robin and Chopper all the freaking way.

Music: Bif Naked! GO! ♥


	20. Revamp the Tenth

A/N: _Wicked_ is, for lack of a better term, _wicked_. Seriously. If you ever have the opportunity to go see it, do so, no matter the price of the tickets. (I even wore a tie and everything.)

-----

"That last one really tapped out a lot of our budget. The execs weren't happy." Uno's assistant handed him the envelope.

"What? But it was their idea!"

She shrugged. "The gold, the dragon... they want this one done on a shoestring budget."

"Agh. I don't get their stupid demands. It all seems so random. For executives, they really don't seem to know a lot about running things around here."

"Well, you know what they say..."

"Huh? What do they say?"

She shrugged again. "I... don't know either."

Uno opened the envelope and took out the memo. "Shoestring budget... well, that shouldn't be _too_ hard. Get this to the writers, and... see if you can't go track down a tumbleweed or two."


	21. Little Pirates on the Prairie

A/N: My dad's favorite actor is John Wayne. When we got our satellite dish, he got the smallest package available that included the Western Channel. I'm not even kidding.

For my part, I hate westerns. Hate them. I think it is the dumbest non-genre ever invented. I'm ambivalent towards cowboys in theory, but my feelings towards westerns are fairly straightforward. Possibly it's like the children of police officers naturally rebelling against the law. Or... possibly it's just me.

-- Except for _Into the West,_ part three of which I'm watching right this second (my sister and I got a little behind). Hey, it's Sean Astin! I didn't know he'd be putting in an appearance. I love you, Sean Astin! And damn you, Thunder Heart Woman (or, as I like to call her, Thunder Whore Woman--I am, in fact, 12)--you and Jacob were OTP!

-----

**Voiceover**: The late 1800s was a time of discovery, a time of adventure, and most of all, a time of danger. Witness one family's struggle to survive the elements all in the name of manifest destiny! This is _Little Pirates on the Prairie._

(_Cut to the middle of nowhere. Seriously. There's a lot of dirt, and some rocks, and not much else to be seen. There is a house, but it's off-camera so it wouldn't have to be built for the set. Enter **Zoro**, in Old West attire, scratching his head in confusion._)

**Zoro**: Okay, dammit, I really _am_ lost now. _Ow!_ (_He grabs his ankle suddenly in pain just as a snake slithers away._) What the hell! Come back here, you--  
**Nami**: (_Running up. She is in an old-timey dress, a bonnet hanging off her neck._) Pa! Pa!  
**Zoro**: What? I'm not your pa.  
**Nami**: Pa, Ma's been looking everywhere for you.  
**Zoro**: Like I said--  
**Nami**: (_She notices he's holding his ankle._) What's the matter?  
**Zoro**: Oh, that stupid snake bit me... (_He sinks to the ground._)  
**Nami**: Oh no! Ma, Ma, come quick! (_**Luffy** comes running up._)  
**Luffy**: What's going on?  
**Nami**: Pa's been bitten by a rattlesnake!  
**Zoro**: Christ...  
**Luffy**: Ooh! What are we gonna do?  
**Nami**: You go fetch Doc, okay, Luffy?  
**Luffy**: All right! (_He dashes off._)  
**Nami**: Oh! I don't know how much more hardship we can take. The herd is dwindling-- (_Cut to a shot of **Chopper** on all fours, wearing a cow costume._)  
**Chopper**: This is wrong on more levels than even I can explain...  
**Nami**: --and the family down the way got attacked by Indians, and lord knows Luffy's just not that bright, and now _this._  
**Zoro**: Look, it's just a snake bite, okay?  
**Nami**: (_She wipes away a tear._) Don't try to be brave for me, Pa! I understand!  
**Zoro**: Will you quit your scenery-chewing already?  
**Nami**: (_She bursts into tears._) You're so brave! I wish I could be just like you! (_She collapses against him, sobbing._) Don't die, Pa, okay? Just don't die! (_**Robin** walks up then. She is wearing a dress like **Nami**'s, her bonnet on her head._)  
**Zoro**: So are you "Ma," then?  
**Robin**: So it would seem.  
**Zoro**: They do understand this is all biologically impossible, right?  
**Robin**: Probably.  
**Nami**: (_She turns to look up at **Robin**._) Ma... I'll try to be strong!  
**Robin**: (_She pats **Nami** on the head._) That's very admirable of you. Where's--er. Your brother?  
**Nami**: I sent him to get Doc. (_Sniff._) Will Pa be okay, Ma?  
**Robin**: I'm sure he will be.  
**Nami**: How can you be so sure?  
**Robin**: There's always a plot device just around the corner. (_**Zoro** flops backwards, seemingly out cold._)  
**Nami**: Oh, no! Pa? Pa! (_She shakes him, bursting into tears all over again._) He's dead!  
**Robin**: No, I'm sure he's just passed o... (_She trails off, listening hard. Faintly, **Zoro**'s snoring can be heard._) ... asleep.  
**Luffy**: (_He wanders over, chewing on some beef jerky._) What's going on?  
**Nami**: Luffy! Did you get Doc?  
**Luffy**: Huh? (_He pauses, thinking. Suddenly, he snaps his fingers._) Oh!  
**Nami**: _You forgot?_  
**Robin**: ... Where did you get that from?  
**Luffy**: I'm not sharing, if that's what you're getting at.  
**Robin**: ... No...  
**Luffy**: Oh! Well, in that case, that strange itinerant farmhand gave me some. (_He points._)  
**Sanji**: (_He saunters over._) Yo.  
**Nami**: Coincidentally enough, we've been looking for a strange itinerant farmhand to help us get this place back on its feet!  
**Sanji**: (_He kneels before her._) Miss, dry those tears. Now that I am here, you'll never have reason to cry again.  
**Nami**: My pa is dying of a rattlesnake bite.  
**Sanji**: ... Except maybe that.  
**Robin**: Master strange itinerant farmhand, if you wish to be of help, will you run into town and find the doctor?  
**Sanji**: (_He jumps to his feet._) Anything you ask of me, ma'am! (_He dashes off._)  
**Nami**: Maybe we should move him somewhere more comfortable?  
**Luffy**: Weren't you paying attention to the stage directions? They didn't want to build the house, so it exists off-set only.  
**Nami**: Ah... that's no good, then. They didn't even build a room, or anything?  
**Robin**: I doubt it.  
**Nami**: (_She bangs her hand on **Zoro**'s chest to emphasize each point._) What the hell (_smack_). My pa is dying (_smack_) of a rattlesnake bite (_smack_) and they can't even be bothered (_smack_) to give him a bed on which to lie (_smack_).  
**Robin**: Ah--I don't think you should do that.  
**Luffy**: I didn't know Zoro was your dad, Nami!  
**Nami**: He's your dad too!  
**Luffy**: I didn't know that! Ace'll want to hear about this.  
**Robin**: I don't think Ace is a part of this family.  
**Luffy**: (_Threateningly._) What are you saying?  
**Zoro**: Hey, pipe down, will you?  
**Nami**: Pa? (_But he is already asleep again. She looks up, and suddenly gasps in shock, one hand covering her mouth and the other pointing. Cut to **Usopp**, dressed from head to toe like a stereotypical Old West Injun._)  
**Usopp**: How.  
**Nami**: Indians!  
**Robin**: There's only one.  
**Usopp**: Not true. Me have heap big tribe waiting just around corner. We beat crap out of you if you try anything.  
**Nami**: Oh no! They're gonna scalp us!  
**Luffy**: COOL!  
**Nami**: That's the opposite of cool!  
**Robin**: You're bluffing, aren't you?  
**Usopp**: (_Sweating._) Oh no! Squaw figured out plan! Me in heap big trouble!  
**Robin**: See?  
**Usopp**: Oh no! Me have heap big mouth!  
**Robin**: Don't worry, Master Indian; we won't hurt you.  
**Usopp**: Why should me believe? White man speak with forked tongue.  
**Sanji**: (_He appears behind **Usopp** suddenly, nailing him in the back of the head with a kick._) Don't talk about a lady's tongue like that, you shitty savage.  
**Nami**: (_She perks up._) Strange itinerant farmhand! Did you bring Doc?  
**Sanji**: Of course! I went as quickly as I could, all for your sake! (_He takes **Robin**'s and **Nami**'s hands and goes to plant kisses on both of them. **Nami** pulls hers out of the way too quickly, though._)  
**Nami**: Doc! (_She runs to **Chopper**._) Uh--you still have-- (_She motions to her head._)  
**Chopper**: Huh? Oh! (_He pulls the cow ears off his head and tosses them aside._) Where's the patient?  
**Nami**: (_She motions to **Zoro**'s sleeping form._) Pa was bitten by a rattlesnake!  
**Chopper**: Oh no! I'm too late! He's dead already! Oh no! (_He frantically runs around in a circle._)  
**Robin**: Actually... Master Doctor... calm down. He's just asleep.  
**Chopper**: What? (_He stops._) Oh! It's true! (_He crouches down and begins taking **Zoro**'s vitals._) Oh, well! He just needs some sleep, and he'll be fine.  
**Nami**: ... Sleeping cures a rattlesnake bite?  
**Chopper**: When it's Zo--I mean, your pa.  
**Luffy**: (_He's been standing there eating his beef jerky the whole time. I didn't forget about him. Shut up._) Hey, who ate all my beef jerky?  
**Sanji**: _You_ did.  
**Luffy**: What? Oh! So I did. Give me some more.  
**Sanji**: Not if you're gonna--  
**Nami**: Ooh, could I have some too?  
**Sanji**: Of course! Anything for you! Would you like anything else? Perhaps some soup, or a lobster?  
**Robin**: Where would you get a lobster around here...?  
**Nami**: Maybe a glass of water for my pa...? (_She bats her eyelashes coyly._)  
**Sanji**: Yes! Right away! (_He dashes off._)  
**Nami**: I like having a strange itinerant farmhand around.  
**Luffy**: Where's my beef jerky?  
**Usopp**: Um... how?  
**Chopper**: Aah! An Indian!  
**Usopp**: Me just now getting noticed?  
**Nami**: Well, we've got a lot on our minds. My pa's been bitten by a rattlesnake.  
**Usopp**: Me heap big trying to care.  
**Nami**: Well excuse me!  
**Usopp**: Sorry, sorry. Here. Let me have look. (_He squats down by **Zoro** and looks at his ankle, then bends down and begins to suck out the poison and spit it out. **Slashers** everywhere go wild._)  
**Nami**: (_To **Chopper**._) Why didn't you try that?  
**Chopper**: Do you really have to ask?  
**Robin**: Ah, well, that's a creative solution.  
**Usopp**: (_He finishes and sits up._) Me heap big grossed out.  
**Zoro**: How the hell do you think I feel?  
**Nami**: Pa! (_She hugs him. He yawns. She turns around to face **Usopp**._) I misjudged you... what's your name?  
**Usopp**: Chief Lying Armadillo.  
**Robin**: Armadillo...?  
**Usopp**: (_Getting to his feet._) Okay, me tell heap big lie again. Me not chief.  
**Luffy**: Where's my beef jerky?  
**Nami**: (_She gets up and walks to **Usopp**._) Thank you for saving my pa. I was wrong about you, and about Indians.  
**Usopp**: Me heap big forgiving of you.  
**Nami**: Oh, Lying Armadillo! No one will understand our love!  
**Usopp**: Wait, lo--oh. Me get it!  
**Nami**: With all these barriers to overcome--language, and race...  
**Usopp**: Me heap big don't care about barriers! (_They embrace._)  
**Sanji**: (_Running up._) I hope you don't mind that it took me so long, I decided to make you a full three course me--_whaaat?_ (_He drops to the ground in tears._) Why. Why do you always have to do this to me.  
**Usopp**: Me heap big gonna get my ass kicked, huh? (_A tumbleweed rolls by._)

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _Little Pirates on the Prairie:_ a love triangle develops between Lying Armadillo, the strange itinerant farmhand, and the daughter of the farm. Another love triangle develops between the strange itinerant farmhand, the son of the farm, and beef jerkey. Still another love triangle develops between Pa, Doc, and Lying Armadillo, but probably not in the way you're thinking. And a few more love triangles, until this whole thing is just one heap big muddled love polygon. Don't miss it!

-----

A/N: I'm going to talk about the most under-appreciated member of the crew for a minute. (Not my favorite (guess who is! I'll be surprised if I haven't been as obvious about it as I think I have), but that's not necessarily saying all that much because I love them all so much.)

Usopp's Indian name comes from a Q&A with Oda in which he states that Usopp most resembles an armadillo (in case you wondered, the rest are as follows: Luffy, monkey (deh); Zoro, shark; Nami, cat; Sanji, duck; and Chopper, wait for it... reindeer! No word on Robin).

I _never_ see anybody cut Usopp slack in the romance department, except the occasional accidental finds of Usopp/Sanji that I referenced in the Miss Independence Day chapter. I never even see people write Usopp/Kaya! (Is it the nose? IS IT? Or are you all too busy writing your Zoro/Luffy and your Zoro/Sanji and your Zoro/Nami and your Zoro/Anything That Moves and your Zoro/Some Things That Don't?) So I decided to give at least Indian!Usopp a chance.

Tongue in cheek, folks. Tongue in cheek. Now go listen to Coheed and Cambria and GET OUT OF MY FACE. ♥♥♥!


	22. Revamp the Eleventh

A/N: I actually have something rather **IMPORTANT** (that's my way of waving a red flag) to say this time, so I've included it in the notes at the end, down there at the bottom. I'd appreciate a read, and then you can go back to ignoring my demented ramblings like usual :D 

-----

"I don't believe it. I just don't believe it."

"What?" Uno's assistant leaned over to peer at the memo.

"Apparently, people are praising our depiction of an interracial relationship."

"What's so unbelievable about that?"

He looked up at her, incredulous. "Were you paying attention? That was the most ridiculous depiction of Native Americans I've ever seen in my entire life."

"Oh. You meant _that."_

"What did you think I meant!" He sighed, thumbing through the memo.

She shrugged.

"Agh." He put the memo back in the envelope and shoved it at her. "Now get out of here so I can have a cigar."

-----

A/N: I just want, first of all, to reaffirm my love for all of you. Just when I think I'm ludicrously unfunny and whatever I've written sucks, you people come here and lie to me and make me feel all warm and squishy inside. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

And so, if there's anything you want to see done, now's the time you can request it. I won't _guarantee_ anything, but on the off-chance you check this and go, "Oh, gosh, I hope she did (_insert clever unused genre here_) this time!" only to have your hopes crushed like so many crackers before they're sprinkled on piping hot minestrone soup time and time again until your poor spirit is broken beyond repair, then tell me so, and I shall give it my best (try to be as specific as possible: for example, "medical drama" is better than just plain "drama"). No pr0n, though; this is network television! Also off-limits is documentary, because that's... well, something else that's sitting on my hard drive with a vague hope of one day being finished and presentable (shh).

With that, I might be taking a break from this, but only for a day or two (I swear it!). I feel bad because I just got complimented on my speed! But I just don't want to sacrifice quality for that speed :D ("Too late," groan the masses.) I promise, promise, promise, it'll be no more than a couple of days, and if it takes more than that, feel absolutely free to bombard my inbox with angry messages (the link, I believe, is in my profile, but if not, it's chellerrific at gmail dot com--two Rs, one F, be careful; not even I can remember to spell it correctly all the time). If this happens (and I really will try to make sure it doesn't), make sure you include what you're going to be screaming at me about in the subject line, as I don't always open things from foreign email addresses.

I'm also toying with this silly little idea I had a while back that I just can't get out of my head (it's all Oda's fault, I swear), so I'll be poking at that as well to see if it goes anywhere. I don't like to post things until I'm at least 95 percent sure they'll get finished, because I'm so ADD, and have you ever noticed how when you start reading a fic, regardless of whether or not it's good, it's nearly always extremely frustrating when it just cuts off because the author lost interest or got busy or whatever? And then you can't yell at the author, because it's not their fault if there are extenuating circumstances, but it's still frustrating? Yeah.

Again, SO MUCH LOVE. SO MUCH. I'm completely sincere! And I will see you again shortly!


	23. The Fantastic Four, Sort Of

A/N: HI :D Miss me? Anyway, thank you all for your requests and such and I am doing the best I can with them (I hope)!

Anyway, first up is Sekhmet's request, because it was the first one that gave me a really vivid concept. The request was a Fantastic Four parody, or at least superheroes. I have to admit, I've been toying with the idea of superheroes for a while (X-Men, while certainly not my first fandom, was my first REAL Internet fandom--no, _Hogan's Heroes_ doesn't count... shh...), but hadn't given it a whole lot of thought. And, okay, I admit it, I haven't seen the new F4 film, all though I've kind of wanted to, but I am a bit familiar with the--oops, rambling again. ANYWAY. I thought about it for a couple of minutes before I hit upon this, and I decided it was The Way To Go. ENJOY XD

-----

**Voiceover**: Look, up in the sky, it's a Flock of Seagulls! It's a Jefferson Airplane! No, it's... the Fantastic Four, sort of!

(_That's right, roll credits. First up it's **Luffy**--caption: Mr. Fantastic; then **Robin**--caption: Invisible Girl; then **Sanji**--caption: Human Torch; and finally, **Zoro**--caption: The Thing. You all know what they look like. Do I need to explain it?_)

**Zoro**: The _Thing?_

(_Cut to **Nami**, **Usopp**, and **Chopper**._)

**Usopp**: And what are we? Chopped liver?

(_Cut back to the F4. They are looking all kinds of badass and ready for action._)

**Sanji**: Now this is my kind of episode. (_He looks at **Robin**, and opens his mouth to make a remark about her costume._)  
**Zoro**: Don't.  
**Sanji**: What?  
**Zoro**: She's your sister.  
**Sanji**: _What?_ (_He really looks like he might cry._)  
**Luffy**: Look on the bright side, Sanji Storm--you're not made of orange rock!  
**Sanji**: That's true. Are you her brother too?  
**Luffy**: Nope. Husband.  
**Sanji**: _WHAT?_ That's so unfair!  
**Luffy**: No, it's convenient. Mr. Fantastic and I have the same power.  
**Sanji**: He's a shitty rubber bastard who wants to get his ass kicked?  
**Luffy**: Yes! -- Wait. No! Well. Only kind of.

(_Cut to **Nami**, **Usopp**, and **Chopper**. They're sitting around a Monopoly board. **Nami** rolls the dice and moves her piece._)

**Nami**: Ah! Boardwalk! Yahoo!  
**Usopp**: How do you always get Boardwalk? I think you're cheating.  
**Nami**: How do you cheat at Monopoly?  
**Usopp**: Pretty easily, I'd say, especially since you're always the bank!  
**Nami**: I just like having the money.  
**Usopp**: It's _fake._  
**Nami**: But I can pretend. (_She rubs her face against a stack of pink Monopoly money._)  
**Chopper**: (_He rolls, then moves his piece._) ... Ah. Boardwalk.  
**Nami**: Haha! Pay up!  
**Usopp**: Look on the bright side, Chopper; at least she hasn't got eight hotels on it yet this time--isn't that against the rules, by the way?  
**Chopper**: (_He hands **Nami** the rent money._) You mean I got cleaned out in one roll for nothing? You should speak up sooner!  
**Nami**: You people and your rules. Anyway, it's your turn, Usopp; you're holding up the game!  
**Usopp**: (_He rolls and moves his piece._) ... Boardwalk.  
**Nami**: Yahoo!

(_Cut back to the F4._)

**Robin**: Anyway, are we going to have some kind of enemy to fight, or...?  
**Sanji**: Who needs an enemy when we have these uniforms?  
**Luffy**: I didn't know you were a fan of spandex.  
**Sanji**: I'm a fan of spandex _on Robin..._  
**Zoro**: Dude. _Sister._  
**Sanji**: Just because you don't understand our love doesn't make it wrong.  
**Zoro**: Actually, yeah, it does.  
**Sanji**: Hey, you would know a lot about things that are wrong, you shitty rock.  
**Zoro**: What was that, sister-lover?  
**Luffy**: (_He stretches his arm as far as it'll go._) Wahoo! Look at that! It feels like I'm wearing nothing at all!  
**Sanji**_ and_ **Zoro**: ... Don't say that...  
**Robin**: (_She sighs._) Anyway, we--oh! (_She looks up._)  
**Sanji**: -- Is that what I think it is?  
**Zoro**: No fair recycling old enemies. I turned that bastard to gold! (_It's the dragon from before, by the way._)  
**Robin**: It would seem the reset principle applies to auxiliary characters as well, Master Thing.  
**Zoro**: Don't call me that...  
**Luffy**: Anyway, it's my turn this time, okay? I'm gonna kick that dragon guy's ass!

(_Cut to **Nami**, **Usopp**, and **Chopper**. They're playing Scrabble now._)

**Nami**: There. "Treasure." That's... let's see... triple word score... double word score... fifty extra points for using all my letters... Your turn, Usopp!  
**Usopp**: Hmm... "qaxduzre." So I get a triple word score plus--  
**Nami**: Like hell you do! That's not a word.  
**Usopp**: Yes it is!  
**Nami**: No, you just made it up!  
**Usopp**: No way! I'll have you know a-- (_He glances at the board._) --qaxduzre--  
**Nami**: You can't even remember it!  
**Usopp**: --is a very fearsome kind of, uh... antelope. Carnivorous antelope with horns like a thousand razors!  
**Chopper**: WHOA! Have you ever seen one in person?  
**Usopp**: I'm glad you asked! It just so happens that I fought a herd of them in the--  
**Nami**: _That doesn't work when you're playing Scrabble!_

(_Cut back to the F4. **Luffy** is currently caught in the jaws of the dragon, which is shaking him around._)

**Luffy**: What the hell! I beat a _GOD!_ It makes no logical sense for me to be defeated by a dragon!  
**Zoro**: (_He steps up._) Don't worry, Luffy! It's clobberin' time! (_Beat._) _What?_  
**Sanji**: (_He doubles over laughing._) Oh! Oh, that's rich! Say it again!  
**Zoro**: It's clobberin' time! (_He punches **Sanji** squarely in the jaw._)  
**Robin**: Uh... (_She'd help **Luffy**, but this is too amusing._)  
**Sanji**: Why you--!  
**Luffy**: Uh! Guys! A little help!

(_Cut back to **Nami**, **Usopp**, and **Chopper**. They're playing Pictionary. **Chopper** is at the board, but the drawing looks like a nothing more than big solid rectangle. Every time the others make a guess, **Chopper** just shakes his head fiercely._)

**Usopp**: Square!  
**Nami**: Rectangle!  
**Usopp**: Quadrilateral!  
**Nami**: Block! Blockhead! FOXY!  
**Usopp**: LUFFY!  
**Chopper**: (_Bursting out._) It's the Grand Line, you idiots! (_Both of them blink. They squint at the picture and turn their heads to look at it from different angles._)  
**Nami**: ... I don't see it.  
**Chopper**: It's a line! But it's GRAND! (_He waves his arms demonstratively._)  
**Usopp**: ... So "Luffy" was wrong?  
**Chopper**: YES "LUFFY" WAS WRONG!

(_Cut back to the F4. **Zoro** has **Sanji** in a headlock, but **Sanji** has his foot poised over a very sensitive spot of **Zoro**'s. Neither of them dares to move. Even the dragon is watching._)

**Zoro**: I think we should call this one a draw.  
**Sanji**: No way.  
**Zoro**: I'll snap your head off.  
**Sanji**: Not if I snap _your_ "head" off first.  
**Robin**: Now, Master Thing, Master Human Torch--  
**Sanji**: Oh! Oh yeah! FLAME ON! (_He bursts into flames. **Zoro** immediately lets him go and jumps back, patting his smoking clothes._)  
**Luffy**: WHOA! COOL! (_The dragon's eyes widen, and he quickly drops **Luffy** and flies off._)  
**Zoro**: ... Why would a dragon be afraid of _fire?_  
**Luffy**: Thanks, Sanji.  
**Robin**: You can extinguish yourself now, Master Human Torch.  
**Sanji**: Uh--no I can't! (_He shrieks, running in circles._) Oh god! I'm on fire! Help! I'm on fire! (_**Luffy** and **Zoro** double over, laughing and pointing._) What! It's not funny! Help!  
**Robin**: Stop, drop, and roll, Master Human Torch! Stop, drop, and roll! (_**Sanji** falls to the ground, flopping about frantically._)

(_Cut back to **Nami**, **Usopp**, and **Chopper**. **Nami** has one card in her hand, **Chopper** has three, and **Usopp** has ten. There's another pile of cards in between the three of them._)

**Nami**: Usopp, got any threes?  
**Usopp**: Go fish.

**Voiceover**: Will the Fantastic Four become the Fantastic Three Plus Char-broiled Friend? Are the Fantastic Four really all that Fantastic, anyway? Can Usopp win at Mahjongg? Is the Thing's thi--oh, right. Network television. Anyway, this and more, all next time! Don't miss it!

-----

A/N: It's been a really long time since I last played Scrabble, and I don't know where our board is or else I'd go check, but... I think you get seven tiles at a go, so building off of a word that's already there, I think both Nami's and Usopp's moves are possible, though I don't know about getting both double and triple word scores in one go. And obviously Usopp's would be invalid--you see, because "qaxduzre" is actually the _Dutch_ name for the razor-horned antelopes, and foreign words aren't allowed (_Chopper: Ohh!_).

The Fantastic Four don't belong to me, either, but you knew that.

-- I forgot music in the fairy tale one. So. Alkaline Trio plus Last Days of April plus you equals OT3OMG!


	24. Revamp the Twelfth

A/N: Oh... and I thought I'd address a remark from Insomnia's Phone Number: okay, you caught me. Yes, they did ban the script format. I was actually reading over the guidelines more carefully _after_ I'd posted the first few chapters to make sure I was within them with regards to language and such (a little late, I know; STONE ME--I'm so ashamed, and my stupidity really does know no bounds), and I saw that... well, I'm clearly not. I've been debating what to do about it ever since and have yet to come to a good solution (I never was very good at problem solving). I'd actually fully forgotten within the last couple of days, because I do have the memory of a goldfish (I do, I do), but... here we are. I was hoping since every other chapter is regular prose, and the "stage" notes and such at times tend to contain rambling notes usually in complete sentences, the ff.n gods would abstain from smiting for at least the time being. Maybe I'll add in some ritualistic sacrifices, too...?

Anywho, if worst should come to worst and this does get taken down, well, I'm working on getting it coded for my website (link, as always, in the profile), so it'll still be up there. I hope that doesn't happen though. I just didn't want to _completely_ change the format part way through (I think this is the part where I invoke artistic vision, or something equally silly like that, but to be honest it's OCPD more than anything else). All though it feels somehow more illegal now that I've admitted this...

-----

"I don't know what's gotten into them," said Uno, scratching his head. "The licensing fees alone on that one nearly killed us."

"We got quite a ratings boost, though," his assistant said, pointing to that part of the memo. "Riding off recent success of a franchise will do that, don't you think?"

"But that means nothing if they want us to change the format _again_!" He pulled at his hair. "I don't understand them anymore! I should have listened to my mom and become a clown!"

"Don't say that, I have a morbid fear of clowns." She took a step away.

"Whatever. Anyway, I don't--I mean. _What_ are they asking for next? I can't even read that." He held up the memo for her to see.

She peered at it. "I'm sorry; I don't have my glasses on, sir."

"Since when have you worn glasses?"

"Since... never."

"Oh, what does it even matter! It's not my responsibility to understand what those crack fiends want, anyway. It's not like I have any say in the matter."

"Bitterness doesn't suit you."

"Get that to the writers!" He didn't wait for her to leave before he lit a cigar, inhaling the thick smoke into his lungs deeply before exhaling with a heavy, frustrated sigh.


	25. Shinsengumi!

A/N: meethzoonk, I know you were first and all, but your request turned out to be tricksier than I thought XD

Also, Zoro as the Thing probably _should_ have been green. That honestly did not even occur to me. Ah, well...

Anyway: I have a confession to make, Namibean: I'd never even _heard_ of the Shinsengumi before. I'm not a samurai authority, all though dammit, I _ought_ to be! However, thank you for bringing them to my attention, because now I'm smarter than I was yesterday! Assuming that this new knowledge didn't just, you know, push out _old_ knowledge... ah, why would it have to? There's plenty of room in my head!

Anyway, thanks to Wikipedia, my precioussss. I really did enjoy reading about them, because I am, in truth, a Giant Dork.

-----

**Voiceover**: It is a dark time in Japan's history. Lawless samurai roam the lands, striking fear into the hearts of the populace. The ruling shogunate decides to call in their enforcers. They are... the Shinsengumi.

(_**Luffy** is standing in front of the other six crew members, who are sitting on the ground. They are in a room that looks very 19th century Japan. All seven of them are dressed in light blue, black, and white kimonos, etc._)

**Luffy**: Gentlemen, welcome to Shinsengumi. The first rule of Shinsengumi is... you do not talk about Shinsengumi. The second rule of Shinsengumi is... you _do not talk about Shinsengumi!_  
**Zoro**: (_Standing up._) Okay, this is stupid already. Mind if I take over?  
**Luffy**: But I'm the captain!  
**Zoro**: And I'm "Mr. Bushido"! If that doesn't show I know more about the samurai code than you, I don't know what does.  
**Luffy**: Valid. (_He sits in **Zoro**'s spot._)  
**Zoro**: (_He stands where **Luffy** was standing and clears his throat._) Okay. The first rule of the Shinsengumi is--  
**Others**: You do not talk about Shinsengumi!  
**Zoro**: No, no. Listen. First, no deviating from the samurai code of honor. (_**Usopp** raises his hand._) Uh... yeah?  
**Usopp**: My dog ate my code of honor.  
**Zoro**: Bushido is an unwritten code...  
**Usopp**: Are you calling me a liar?  
**Zoro**: Would it be the first time? (_**Usopp** can't think of a good response to that._) Second, no leaving the Shinsengumi. It's like... the Supreme Court, or the papacy.  
**Sanji**: You can retire from either of those.  
**Zoro**: My point still stands.  
**Sanji**: No it doesn't!  
**Zoro**: The third rule is no raising money privately. (_**Nami** stands up abruptly and walks to the door._) Where are you going?  
**Nami**: Screw that noise! I'm outta here.  
**Zoro**: But the second rule says you're not allowed to leave.  
**Nami**: Watch me. (_**Zoro** moves to block the doorway. She sighs, then reluctantly returns to her seat, plotting her escape for when he's not looking._)  
**Zoro**: Fourth rule: no taking part in other's litigation.  
**Usopp**: Oh. Sorry, Luffy.  
**Luffy**: Oh, no, it's okay, I understand.  
**Zoro**: Fifth: no engaging in private fights.  
**Sanji**: What good is a fight if you do it in private, anyway?  
**Zoro**: No, it doesn't necessarily mean _where_ the fight is. It means no fighting that isn't for the good of the shogunate.  
**Sanji**: So... me kicking your ass is still okay.  
**Zoro**: (_He rolls his eyes and go on._) In addition, if a leader--that would be me--is mortally wounded in a fight, all of you have to fight and die right there.  
**Sanji**: Like hell!  
**Zoro**: And no retrieving of the bodies in mortal combat, except for the corpse of the leader, which is me.  
**Sanji**: Did you write this shit yourself?  
**Zoro**: No--  
**Sanji**: Well, here, I'll make you a corpse, and then we can retrieve you, okay?  
**Zoro**: (_Ignoring him._) If you break any of these rules, the penalty is... seppuku. (_Stunned silence._)  
**Usopp**: No... not that! Anything but that! ... What's seppuku?  
**Zoro**: Ritualistic suicide.  
**Usopp**: AAH! Not that!  
**Zoro**: By _disembowelment._  
**Usopp**: AAH! NO! I won't talk about Shinsengumi, I swear!  
**Zoro**: As long as you follow the rules, there should be no trouble, right?  
**Usopp**: You know, I committed seppuku once.  
**Sanji**: You didn't even know what it was until a minute ago! And you were terrified of it!  
**Chopper**: I hear people often die of seppuku!  
**Nami**: That's kind of the point, I think.  
**Zoro**: You also have to commit seppuku if you are injured in a fight with a stranger and you can't kill them.  
**Sanji**: Why don't we just all commit seppuku right here? It would cut out the middle man. Plus it would all be very Heaven's Gate.  
**Usopp**: I went through Heaven's Gate once!  
**Chopper**: _Really?_ ... Wait a minute. Why am I impressed? I was there!  
**Sanji**: Not _that_ Heaven's Gate...  
**Nami**: And wouldn't Jonestown be a better metaphor anyway?  
**Sanji**: Do you think?  
**Nami**: Well, this would simply be following the ravings of a demented control-freak rather than thinking we're going to be taken onto a spaceship to our home planet after we kill ourselves.  
**Sanji**: Ah... you make an excellent point. Jonestown it is, then.  
**Luffy**: Ooh, I wanna go on a spaceship!  
**Nami**: No dice; we've already _done_ that one.  
**Zoro**: (_He coughs. The others fall silent and give him their attention._) That sounded a bit like engaging in private fights.  
**Sanji**: What? Nobody got their ass kicked.  
**Zoro**: The laws of the Shinsengumi are vague and subject to my interpretation. Why do you think they amend the hell out of the Constitution?  
**Sanji**: Whatever; we're _not_ committing seppuku just because you say so.  
**Luffy**: Yeah! We don't even have any frisbees around.  
**Zoro**: ... You don't commit seppuku with a frisbee.  
**Luffy**: What? Yes you do! First you fold it in half--  
**Zoro**: _You don't commit seppuku with a frisbee!_  
**Robin**: (_Speaking up suddenly._) There's one thing that's been bothering me this whole time.  
**Nami**: Only _one_ thing...?  
**Robin**: You see... Master Swordsman has had more lines in this one episode than he has in all others combined, or so it would seem. Doesn't that strike you as a bit odd?  
**Usopp**: Actually... that kind of struck me as one of the _least_ odd things to happen for a while.  
**Robin**: (_She gets to her feet._) Well, it shouldn't have... because that is not Master Swordsman. (_She points at **Zoro**._) Isn't that right, _Mr. 2 Bon Clay?_  
**Zoro**: (_He touches his left cheek with his hand and does, in fact, turn into **Mr. 2**._) Oh! You figured me out! You're too smart for me, Miss All-Sunday!  
**Robin**: You gave yourself away, Mr. 2. You see... you shouldn't have worn your swan shoes. (_She points. The others look._)  
**Chopper**: Oh! It's true!  
**Usopp**: ... How is it possible that we didn't notice those before?  
**Luffy**: Ah! So you _did_ do it! In the library! With the candlestick! I've _solved the mystery!_  
**Nami**: Luffy, that was like... ten episodes ago.  
**Sanji**: I can't even begin to think of one reason why you would be here other than to carry on the running joke about Zoro's lack of lines.  
**Mr. 2**: Do I need a reason to visit with my _friends?_  
**Sanji**: Yeah.  
**Mr. 2**: Cruel! You're so cruel, Mr. Prince! Cruel! And after what I did for you using my Mane Mane power! (_**Sanji** blanches._)  
**Nami**: Huh? What did he do?  
**Sanji**: Uh, n-nothing, Miss Nami! Nothing at all!  
**Mr. 2**: _Nothing?_ (_He touches his right cheek with his hand and turns into **Nami**._) Oh, Mr. Prince!  
**Sanji**: (_Gesturing frantically._) Ix-nay on the--  
**Nami**: (_Rightfully incensed._) Why you--! (_**Sanji** ducks, but **Nami** still manages to knock him flat with a blow to the head._)  
**Sanji**: _Mellorine..._  
**Mr. 2**: Oh, dear!  
**Nami**: _Stop looking like me!_  
**Robin**: (_Interrupting._) Ah... isn't anyone concerned about the whereabouts of the _real_ Master Swordsman?  
**Sanji**: (_He sits up, rubbing his head, and lights a cigarette._) No way; that shitty Marimo can take care of himself.  
**Nami**: Honestly. He probably just got lost somewhere. If he weren't so freakishly strong, he would not have survived this long.  
**Chopper**: Isn't that cigarette an anachronism?  
**Usopp**: Considering that it's machine-manufactured and brand name... I'd say most definitely.  
**Chopper**: (_He sighs, shaking his head sadly._) Where have all the fact-checkers gone?  
**Luffy**: (_He flops over backwards._) I'm hungry!  
**Usopp**: Eat a frisbee, then.  
**Luffy**: I thought we were off the seppuku hook?  
**Usopp**: Are any of us ever truly off the seppuku hook?  
**Luffy**: That was deep.  
**Usopp**: I try.

**Voiceover**: Next time... Luffy's apartment explodes. Mr. 2 sells some soap, and also is--ah! No spoiling it for everyone. Usopp waxes philosophical. There are at least thirty more mentions of seppuku. Zoro is nowhere to be seen. If you miss it, you better have a frisbee on hand, buddy!

-----

A/N: Okay. Before you condemn me to hell, the frisbee seppuku joke isn't even mine; it's from realultimatepower dot net, which is totally the ultimate authority on ninjas! Not really. But... they do teach you how to commit seppuku with a frisbee (it's where _I_ learned how to commit seppuku with a frisbee, anyway). So. There's that.

Rule #4 seemed really random to me, which is why I included that brief exchange between Usopp and Luffy, because that's how I'd react ("What? No taking part in other's litigation? Darn. Can't help you out after all, Bob. Sorry!"), but of course I'm sure there was a reason for it. (Lawyers make bad warriors? I dunno.)

The allegations Mr. 2 makes at Sanji... well. It would be funny and terribly, terribly wrong if they were true. (One of my _One Piece_ OTPs--shut up, I know it defeats the purpose of the OTP to have more than one--is Sanji/Nami!Mr. 2.) So, no, what he was alluding to, as far as canon is concerned, never actually happened... _or did it?_

I've never seen _Fight Club,_ but I did have the ending spoiled for me. I have tried to avoid doing so for you here.

... Dressy Bessy! Especially "Jenny Come On," the fluffiest bounciest song ever.


	26. Revamp the Thirteenth

A/N: Oh, PS. I was feeling a bit under the weather, which is why this one's so much later than normal, and for which I apologize. And while I'm apologizing for that, I'm going to be spending tomorrow (well, probably today by the time you read this) getting my room ready for a new floor, which is going to take a lot of work and probably the majority of the day, so if I'm late again, that's why. Sorry again! In case I haven't mentioned it recently, I love you all!

-----

"A remake of an old TV show?" Uno asked.

"That's what they said," his assistant replied.

"Well, that does seem to be rather in vogue right now," he said with a sigh.

"I think that's due more to a lack of original ideas than a solid track record of success," she pointed out. "And besides, classic sitcom remakes are hit or miss at the box office, but on TV? I mean, don't they remember _Family Affair?"_

"There was a remake of _Family Affair?"_ Uno searched his memory.

"My point exactly!"

"Well, as much as they don't listen to me," Uno said, handing her the envelope, "they don't listen to you twice as much. So what can you do?"

His assistant shrugged, and wondered if the vending machine was out of Starburst.


	27. The Straw Hat Family

A/N: Here it is, meethzoonk: Addams Family, One Piece style!

I kept getting the Addams Family mixed up with the Munsters in my head. Which is odd, as I'm fond of the Addams Family, but I've never really liked the Munsters. Which... may in and of itself be odd, as they have essentially the same concept. All though I do adore Fred Gwynne, rest his exceptionally tall soul.

PS: I haven't seen the films or the show in _years._ Which was part of the reason this was so hard to write XD

-----

**Voiceover**: They're creepy and they're kooky! Mysterious and spooky! They're all together ooky! The Straw Hat Family!

(_Cut to the Addams'--sorry, the Straw Hats' living room, which just happens to look just like the Addams'. There's someone asleep on the couch, back to us, snoring. **Robin** enters, but her hair is longer than normal, and she's wearing Morticia's trademark black dress._)

**Robin**: (_She puts her hands on her hips, looking around._) Hello? (_She notices the figure on the couch, and takes a closer look._) Oh. It's you. Wake up. (_She shakes him awake. The figure sits up--it's **Zoro**, but with black hair, a little mustache, which it took me four tries to spell properly, and a pinstriped suit._)  
**Zoro**: Huh? Somebody better be getting killed, or I'll change that. (_He focuses on **Robin**._) What the hell are you wearing?  
**Robin**: I was about to ask you the same thing.  
**Zoro**: (_He looks down at himself._) Ack! I look like that stupid love cook.  
**Sanji**: (_He appears then, looking very Lurch._) You rang?  
**Zoro**: No we didn't.  
**Sanji**: Oh, okay then.  
**Zoro**: ... What? That's it? Aren't you going to threaten to kick my ass or something?  
**Sanji**: (_He shrugs._) Do you want me to?  
**Nami**: (_She runs in with **Luffy** then; both of them are, yes, very Wednesday and Pugsley-ish._) Mother! Father! We've gotten into some appropriately macabre wacky mischief! Whatever will we do now!  
**Robin**: I don't know, but I'm sure we'll come up with one of our trademark darkly comic solutions before long.  
**Zoro**: (_To **Sanji**._) Isn't this just like the western, only in a different setting?  
**Sanji**: Would you say so?  
**Zoro**: Uh, yeah... I just did.  
**Sanji**: I see, Mr. Addams. (_**Zoro** rolls his eyes and gives up. Just then, **Usopp** enters, his hair tucked up into a bright green bathing cap._)  
**Nami**_ and_ **Luffy**: Uncle Fester! (_They run to hug him._)  
**Usopp**: Hi, kids!  
**Zoro**: What the hell is that on your head?  
**Usopp**: Huh? There's nothing on my head; I'm bald.  
**Zoro**: What? That doesn't even remotely look like a bald head. Why is it _green?_  
**Usopp**: It's just what wardrobe had lying around, I guess.  
**Zoro**: But _green?_ (_**Usopp** shrugs. There is a pause. Finally, **Zoro** turns to **Sanji**._) What, you stupid cook? Just say it!  
**Sanji**: What was that?  
**Zoro**: I know you're thinking of some stupid crack right now. Like, "You would know a lot about how weird it is to have a green head, you shitty Marimo," or something. So just say it already!  
**Sanji**: I have no idea what you're talking about.  
**Zoro**: (_He opens his mouth to reply, but suddenly there's a loud siren. He claps his hands over his ears._) What the hell is that?  
**Robin**: Mail's in. (_A little reindeer hoof comes running into the room then, à la Thing, carrying the mail. Upon seeing it, **Nami** breaks character, shrieking and jumping into **Sanji**'s arms. **Usopp** shrieks and jumps into **Zoro**'s, who rolls his eyes and drops him._)  
**Nami**: I'm sorry, but _what the hell._  
**Luffy**: (_He bends down to take the mail from the hoof._) Ooh! Chopper! I mean, Thing! _That's so cool._  
**Nami**: If by cool you mean _creepy as all get-out--_  
**Zoro**: Did you just say "as all get-out"?  
**Nami**: Oops. You said "western" before, I slipped.  
**Sanji**: May I put you down now, Miss Addams?  
**Nami**: Huh? Oh, yes. Go ahead, Lurch. (_He does._)  
**Zoro**: I don't believe what I am seeing.  
**Sanji**: Is something the matter, Mr. Addams?  
**Zoro**: All right, that's it. He's not even Lurch. He's... he's _Eeyore._  
**Robin**: I didn't know you were a _Winnie the Pooh_ fan, Mr. Addams.  
**Zoro**: I'M NOT!  
**Robin**: Or should I say "bubeleh"?  
**Zoro**: (_He blinks._) Suddenly, I'm overcome with the urge to-- (_He starts kissing her up and down the arm._)  
**Sanji**: Suddenly, I'm overcome with the urge to _kick your ass!_ (_He knocks **Zoro** across the room with a kick to the head._)  
**Zoro**: (_He stands up, rubbing his head where the impact was made._) That's it, dart board eyebrows, you're going down!  
**Nami**: Why does it seem like a good portion of every episode is devoted to those two threatening to kill each other?  
**Usopp**: It seems that way because it _is_ that way.  
**Nami**: Ah. Fair enough.  
**Chopper**: (_He comes running out just then._) Have you guys seen my--oh! There it is! (_He points to his hoof, with which **Luffy** is happily playing._) Can I have that back?  
**Luffy**: What? Oh. This? (_He pouts._) But I was playing with it!  
**Chopper**: But it's my hoof! (_He waves around a hoofless stump._) See? Currently missing one hoof!  
**Luffy**: But you look much cooler that way!  
**Chopper**: Oh--! (_He giggles and does his dance._) Shut up! Asshole! Just give it back! Don't tell me I look cool! Even if you say that, I won't believe you! Asshole!  
**Luffy**: You're smiling.  
**Chopper**: Asshole! Asshole!  
**Sanji**: Wait a minute. (_He holds out a hand to stop **Zoro**, then takes out a cigarette and lights it. After taking a long drag off of it, he points at **Usopp**._) What the hell is that on your head? I can understand that shitty Marimo, accident of birth and all, but why would anybody _choose_ to look like that?  
**Zoro**: _You only just noticed that?_  
**Usopp**: I'm _bald_, got it? _Bald!_  
**Chopper**: (_He reattaches his hoof._) Ah! There we go.  
**Luffy**: (_He pouts more._) Aw. You took my toy.  
**Robin**: Ah well, c'est la vie, right?  
**Zoro**: (_He perks up._) That's French! (_He moves for **Robin**, but **Sanji** puts a hand on **Zoro**'s forehead to stop him._)  
**Sanji**: Just what do you think you're doing, bastard?  
**Zoro**: (_Struggling against **Sanji**'s hand._) I can't help it!  
**Sanji**: I know she's a beautiful lady, but if you try to force yourself on her again, I won't hold back.  
**Zoro**: It's not my fault!  
**Sanji**: How many times do you think I wish I could do the same? Ah, my love is an ocean, vast, deep, and Robin, dear Robin, she is adrift on a raft in it! But I, a gentleman, would never dream of taking advantage of her trust, for trust, like--  
**Zoro**: Would you shut up!  
**Luffy**: Oh, come on, Chopper! Give me back Thing!  
**Chopper**: "Thing" is my hoof!  
**Luffy**: I was playing with it first!  
**Chopper**: I was _born_ with it first!  
**Luffy**: You're so _mean!_  
**Nami**: (_Sitting on the couch with **Usopp**._) Do they even need us anymore?  
**Usopp**: Is this because we always come in last in popularity polls?  
**Nami**: What's up with that, anyway? We are by far the coolest characters.  
**Usopp**: I think it's because we don't kick as much ass.  
**Nami**: The priorities of adolescent boys are seriously skewed.  
**Usopp**: Seriously.

**Voiceover**: So get a witch's shawl on, a broomstick you can crawl on, we're gonna pay a call on, the Straw Hat Family!

-----

A/N: I was trying to think of a good color for Usopp's "bald" head. At first I thought blue, but I find blue to be exceptionally boring. And then I thought bright pink, but pink is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from some skin tones. So then I thought bright green. Which then made me think of Zoro. In case anyone wondered the thought process behind that.

Also, apparently there really _was_ a television remake of the Addams Family. It only lasted one season, from 1998-1999. /sharing

I don't own the Addams Family, nor do I own Winnie the Pooh. And shut up, Zoro is totally a fan. He likes Piglet. He told me so. (_Zoro: I did not!_)

... But I might have to do Winnie the Pooh now. Damn. I'm getting ahead of myself.


	28. Revamp the Fourteenth

A/N: Also! In response to the allegations that I hate Zoro, I can assure you they are entirely felonious. Er... _erroneous._ I don't hate him! I love him! I just also happen to love making fun of him. And hey, I pick on Sanji nearly as much, don't I? And I totally have a crush on him, as much as it's possible to have a crush on a fictional animated character. ... Did I just admit that? Ah :x that's gonna come back to haunt me.

And don't worry, tori (may I call you tori?) I figured most (or at least a good portion of) people didn't read these chapters, if only judging by the fact that they consistently get fewer hits than the actual "episodes" ;D I suppose I could say something insulting, as anyone it applies to... wouldn't be reading this, but really, what's the point? I wouldn't mean it anyway. LOSERS. (I kid.)

-----

"You know," said Uno, taking a long drink, "I just don't feel like people pay attention to me, is all."

"I understand the feeling, sir," his assistant assured him, pouring herself another glass.

"But it's like... you know? I just... try and try to make my point, and nobody _listens_. Nobody... ever... _listens...!"_ He put his head down on his desk, and she swore he was sobbing.

She sighed. "Sir, I think you've had too much to drink."

"Shut up! I don't need you telling me what to do!"

"Sir, listen to me. I know they don't listen, but... sir?" She leaned closer, peering at him. He had fallen asleep.

She picked up the memo and turned to take it to the writers, thinking on how she'd never seen anyone act that way after one bottle of sparkling apple cider.


	29. Chopper and the Chocolate Factory

A/N: I realized the last couple of chapters (including this one) have been pretty short, so I'm going to do my best to make the next one a bit longer.

Also, okay, this wasn't a request, but I just saw the film in question on Thursday, and... GOSH. I've always been a fan of Roald Dahl's, and this film TRULY does his work justice. It deserves any and all praise it gets.

-----

**Voiceover**: Five golden tickets. Five lucky kids. One of them could win it all... it's _Chopper and the Chocolate Factory!_

(_Cut to the front of the Wonka Chocolate Factory. **Luffy**, **Usopp**, **Chopper**, **Nami**, and **Robin** are standing in front. **Luffy** munches on a chocolate bar; **Robin** snaps noisily on her gum._)

**Luffy**: This isn't as good as steak.  
**Nami**: We're not at a steak factory. Don't complain.  
**Luffy**: Who said I was complaining? (_He takes another bite._)  
**Usopp**: (_To **Robin**._) Do you have to keep snapping your gum like that?  
**Robin**: Look. The door is opening. (_Sure enough, the door opens, and out comes **Sanji**, dressed nattily in a long coat and top hat._)  
**Chopper**: Hey, isn't that my hat?  
**Luffy**: You aren't supposed to be concerned with material possessions, you know.  
**Chopper**: Hey! If someone took _your_ hat without your permission, you'd kick their ass. (_**Luffy** shrugs, and takes another bite of his chocolate bar._)  
**Sanji**: Ah! Welcome, welcome! I'm so glad to see you here! (_He walks straight to **Nami** and **Robin**._) Well, then, shall we go in?  
**Luffy**, **Usopp**, _and_ **Chopper**: Hey.  
**Sanji**: Huh? (_He looks at them._) Oh... you guys are coming too?  
**Chopper**: This episode is called _Chopper and the Chocolate Factory_. I'd hope that was a given.  
**Usopp**: You won't win at that rate.  
**Chopper**: I don't care if I win or not...!  
**Usopp**: That's better.  
**Chopper**: ... What's the prize?  
**Usopp**: That shouldn't matter!  
**Chopper**: I just wondered!  
**Sanji**: Helloo? You say you want to go in, and then you just stand around chatting like it's no big deal! (_They start walking inside, **Nami** and **Robin** on either side of **Sanji**; **Usopp**, **Luffy**, and **Chopper** trailing behind._) So. Tell me all about yourselves.  
**Nami**: I'm Nami Salt. My dad made all his workers unwrap chocolate day and night so I could find my Golden Ticket.  
**Sanji**: Ah! How adorable! The world at your beck and call, as it should be. And you?  
**Robin**: (_She blows another large bubble. **Usopp** winces._) I'm Robin Beauregarde. I'm a winner.  
**Sanji**: Then that explains how you've won my heart.  
**Usopp**: Oh, I'm Usopp Teavee--  
**Sanji**: Did anybody ask you? (_**Usopp** falls silent, looking very disgruntled. They enter the main chocolate room then. Inside, there are bunch of tiny **Zoro**s running around._)  
**Luffy**: Ooh! A chocolate waterfall! Hey, mister, where's all your steak?  
**Sanji**: This is a _chocolate_ factory.  
**Luffy**: Is it here? Or here? Or here? (_He starts looking under, around, behind, above, etc., all the objects in the room._)  
**All**: THERE'S NO STEAK!  
**Luffy**: Then why am I here?  
**Sanji**: I couldn't tell you. (_He "discreetly" kicks **Luffy** into the chocolate river._) Oh! You should all learn a lesson from this, children. Gluttony is bad!  
**Usopp**: You kicked him in!  
**Sanji**: That's right. It pisses me off, and I kick you in a chocolate river. You wanna be next? (_**Usopp** shakes his head. The **Zoro**s gather._)  
**Zoros**: (_Singing._) Luffy Gloop! Luffy Gloop!  
The great big greedy nincompoop!  
**Nami**: Oh! They sing! What are they?  
**Sanji**: I'm glad you asked, my dear! They are Oompa Loompas. Actually, there's only one of them, and the rest are just digitally recreated. That's the real one. (_He points._)  
**Zoro**: ... _Why_ am I an Oompa Loompa?  
**Nami**: I want one!  
**Usopp**: Hey, hey, if you're greedy, bad things will happen to you.  
**Sanji**: (_Picking up a **Zoro** and handing it to her._) Here you go, my dear.  
**Nami**: Ah! Thank you, Mr. Wonka!  
**Usopp**: _That's not what you're supposed to do at all!_ (_**Robin** snaps her gum again._) _And would you stop!_  
**Sanji**: Don't you dare raise your voice to a lady!  
**Nami**: Anyway, can we go to the next room?  
**Sanji**: Yes! Right away! (_Off they go to the inventing room. Screw boats._) This is my inventing room. It's where I... invent. For example (_he picks something up_) this stick of gum is a full three-course meal! (_He offers it to **Robin**._) Would you like to try it?  
**Usopp**: Wait--  
**Robin**: Certainly, Mr. Wonka. (_She takes out the piece of gum that's in her mouth already and sticks it behind her ear, then pops the new one in._) Ooh, it's delicious! Tomato soup... roast beef... blueberry pie...  
**Usopp**: Oh no! This is gonna be bad...!  
**Chopper**: Huh? Huh? What's gonna be bad?  
**Robin**: That was very good. (_She blows a bubble, snaps it, and goes back to chewing._) But it loses its flavor fast.  
**Usopp**: What? Aren't you supposed to turn into a blueberry?  
**Sanji**: Don't be ridiculous. Why would I let a disgusting thing like that happen to dear Robin Beauregarde?  
**Usopp**: Because that's what's in the script.  
**Sanji**: Screw the script.  
**Zoros**: Dear friends, we surely all agree  
There's almost nothing worse to see...  
**Chopper**: Huh? Why are they singing? Nothing happened.  
**Zoros**: Than some repulsive little bum  
Who's always chewing chewing gum!  
**Robin**: Ah, well. It seems I must go anyway, blueberry or not.  
**Sanji**: No!  
**Robin**: (_Being escorted away by the **Zoro**s._) Sorry, Mr. Wonka. Thank you for the gum.  
**Sanji**: (_Dropping to his knees._) Why. Why is it always the beautiful ones?  
**Nami**: Hey, I wanna go to the next room now!  
**Sanji**: (_Jumping back up._) Yes!  
**Usopp**: He sure is resilient... (_They trek to the next room, where squirrels are shelling nuts._)  
**Nami**: Ooh! Squirrels! How cute! I want one!  
**Sanji**: (_He picks one up and hands it to her._) Here you go!  
**Usopp**: WRONG AGAIN!  
**Nami**: Thank you, Mr. Wonka! Look, Mr. Squirrel, it's an Oompa Loompa!  
**Zoros**: Nami Salt, the little brute,  
Has just gone down the garbage chute!  
**Chopper**: Huh? She did? But she's right here!  
**Sanji**: She has to go too? _Why am I giving this tour!_  
**Nami**: (_Walking away._) Hey, Oompa Loompa, can we take a shortcut through the treasure room?  
**Usopp**: There's no such room!  
**Sanji**: (_Sighing heavily._) Let's just get this over with. (_They go to the next room. It's blindingly white. He puts on a pair of dark glasses._)  
**Chopper**: My retinas!  
**Usopp**: Hey, where are our glasses?  
**Sanji**: Huh? I dunno, go find 'em yourself. (_**Usopp** sighs, pulling two pairs off a rack by the doorway and giving one to **Chopper** while putting the other on himself._) This is the TV room, blah blah blah science, blah blah blah television, blah blah blah fishcakes.  
**Usopp**: Ooh, I'm going to send myself across the room with this thing!  
**Chopper**: Why do you want to do that?  
**Usopp**: Because... it's what I do. (_He jumps up onto the platform and turns the machine on. Nothing happens._)  
**Sanji**: There's a difference between a particle and a wave, you know.  
**Usopp**: Not necessarily; haven't you ever studied the dual nature of light?  
**Sanji**: (_He lights a cigarette and takes a long drag._) Not at all.  
**Usopp**: No wonder your machine doesn't work. You don't know anything about physics!  
**Zoros**: The most important thing we've learned,  
So far as children are concerned  
Is never, never, never let  
Them near your television set!  
**Sanji**: You heard the Marimo Loompas, get the hell outta here. (_He turns to **Chopper**._) You the only one left?  
**Chopper**: Huh? Oh! I guess so.  
**Sanji**: Ah. Well then. That makes things easy. I think it's fairly obvious who the winner is.  
**Chopper**: (_His eyes light up._) Oh?  
**Sanji**: It's a tie between Nami Salt and Robin Beauregarde!  
**Usopp**: (_Turning around as he's lead away._) YOU GOT IT WRONG AGAIN!

**Voiceover**: ... Yeah, I got nothin' for ya, folks.

-----

A/N: Any and all lyrics included herein were written by Roald Dahl for his novel _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory._ Speaking of which, the soundtrack for the film is amazing. Go get it now.

For the meaning behind "blah blah blah fishcakes," see televisionwithoutpity dot com.

I wrote out my aggressions regarding gum chewers through Usopp. People that sit there and snap their gum all day make me twitchy and violent.


	30. Revamp the Fifteenth

A/N: Mm. Copout. (_Yawn._)

-----

Uno's assistant took a nap in one of his other chairs after she finished delivering the latest memo to the writers. He watched her, bored, while he idly doodled on his personalized stationary.

Now that he thought about it, it seemed like they never slept, or ate, or went to the bathroom, never did anything except deliver memos from unseen executives, complain about them, and take them to the writers (who also never seemed to do anything but write and sometimes, when they thought no one was looking, scratch themselves).

It was almost like television. He vaguely wondered, as he drew Tokyo being flattened by Godzilla, if they were being watched, but quickly dismissed these silly ideas.


	31. Win, Lose, or Etc

A/N: Some of you who get alerts may have noticed how I originally forgot to include the final voiceover in the last vignette, and with my neurosis, fixing that was m which was why... it came out like that XD

Anywho, this one was requested by Dollar1, then seconded by Kami-Ranma, so here we are!

-----

**Voiceover**: You know what that sound means! That's right, it's time for another exciting round of _Win, Lose, or Get Dropped Into a Pit of Vicious, Snapping Alligators!_ And now, here's your hostess with the mostest, Nico Robin!

(_Cut to a stage full of bright colors and blinking lights. On either side are three podiums, and in the center is a large, deep pit. **Robin** enters._)

**Robin**: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to _Win, Lose, or Get Dropped Into a Pit of Vicious, Snapping Alligators._ Let's meet our contestants. On the Blue Team, we have high school student and aspiring pirate king, Monkey D. Luffy! (_**Luffy** enters to much cheering, waving his arms in the air, and takes his place behind the podium farthest downstage right._) Next, swordsman by night, fast food busboy by day, Roronoa Zoro! (_**Zoro** comes to stand next to **Luffy**._) And finally, five-star chef and prima ballerina, Sanji! (_**Sanji** strolls out, lighting a cigarette._)  
**Sanji**: Wait a minute, ballerina...?  
**Luffy**: _Prima._  
**Robin**: And on the red team, ace navigator and high-fashion movie star, Nami! (_**Nami** comes out, blowing kisses, and takes the podium farthest downstage left._) Next, renowned marksman and world-class wrestler, Usopp! (_**Usopp** comes out, raising the roof, to incredulous looks from the Blue Team, and stands at the podium beside **Nami**._) And finally, doctor/pirate/reindeer/human/jack-of-all trades, Tony Tony Chopper! (_**Chopper** comes out, blushing and giggling._)  
**Chopper**: Shut up, asshole! I am not all those things!  
**Robin**: All right, teams, the rules are simple: I'll ask questions, and the first team to answer correctly gets the points. The other team, well... you'll see!  
**Usopp**: (_He can barely hold back a snicker._) Aren't these teams a little... unfairly matched?  
**Luffy**: Yeah! (_He points._) I heard Tony Tony Chopper had something going on with Nico Robin!  
**Zoro**: (_He smacks him._) That's not what he means.  
**Sanji**: That's right! I demand these teams be reorganized so that I have Miss Nami and Robin with me!  
**Zoro**: Robin's not even _playing._  
**Robin**: First question: when Streptococcus pyogenes causes acute pharyngitis, the condition is most commonly known as what? (_**Chopper** quickly buzzes in._) Red Team!  
**Chopper**: Strep throat!  
**Robin**: Correct! Ten points to Red Team! Next question: name one of the three men credited with the invention of the spark-gap radio. (_**Usopp** buzzes in._) Red Team again!  
**Usopp**: Guglielmo Marconi!  
**Robin**: Correct! Another ten points to Red Team. We also would have accepted Nikola Tesla or Alexander Popov.  
**Zoro**: Wait a minute. This isn't fair. When are you going to ask questions about stuff _we_ know?  
**Sanji**: Yeah, where are the questions about cooking or swords or-- (_He cuts off abruptly, both he and **Zoro** looking at **Luffy**._)  
**Luffy**: What?  
**Sanji**: Or... stuff like that?  
**Nami**: Don't be sore losers, guys! (_She sticks her tongue out at them._)  
**Zoro**: Oh, because that's real mature.  
**Sanji**: Don't insult a lady!  
**Zoro**: She just insulted _me!_ You too, in fact!  
**Robin**: (_Cutting them off._) Next question: what disease is primarily characterized by--  
**Zoro**: (_Rolling his eyes._) Here we go again.  
**Robin**: --a painless open sore called a chancre that disappears with or without treatment? _(**Sanji** buzzes in before anyone can even blink._)  
**Sanji**: Syphilis!  
**Robin**: Correct! Blue Team is on the board!  
**Luffy**: Ooh, go Sanji!  
**Zoro**: How... did you... no, wait, I don't want to know.  
**Usopp**: Lucky guess!  
**Nami**: No, somehow I don't think it was luck at all.  
**Robin**: Moving on: what type of wispy, hair-like cloud is formed of ice crystals at altitudes of greater than 16,500 feet? (_**Nami** buzzes in._) Red Team!  
**Nami**: Cirrus!  
**Robin**: Correct! The score is now thirty to ten, in favor of the Red Team.  
**Zoro**: This is beyond unfair!  
**Sanji**: (_Waving._) AMAZING! Miss Nami is so smart! You get 'em, Miss Nami!  
**Zoro**: Hey!  
**Luffy**: Don't worry, guys; we'll totally kick their asses!  
**Sanji**: This is a competition of brains, not brawn.  
**Luffy**: Oh. Never mind then.  
**Zoro**_and_ **Sanji**: IDIOT!  
**Robin**: Next: the word vaccination originates from the Latin _vacca_, meaning what? (_**Chopper** buzzes in._) Red Team!  
**Chopper**: Cow!  
**Luffy**: Oh, please. Yeah right!  
**Robin**: Correct!  
**Luffy**: What! No way! You're favoring them! I knew it all along!  
**Robin**: (_Ignoring him._) Ten more points to Red Team! Next question: when sunlight hits water drops in the air at a low angle, what phenomenon occurs? (_**Nami** buzzes in._) Red Team!  
**Nami**: A rainbow!  
**Robin**: Correct again!  
**Sanji**: (_Cheering._) Hooray! Miss Nami, I will never get past how amazing you are!  
**Robin**: And now, since Red Team has answered three questions correctly in a row, they have the option of taking a bonus ten points, or sending someone from the opposing team into the pit of alligators.  
**Nami**: (_Without hesitation._) Sanji to the pit of alligators!  
**Sanji**: _WHAT._ (_He's suddenly catapulted up, falling straight down into the pit. Snapping, snarling, splashing, and screaming can be heard._)  
**Nami**: (_Leaning over and calling after him._) Sorry! You were the only one who got a question right!  
**Zoro**: She's a witch... (_Even **Usopp** and **Chopper** are looking a little afraid of her._)  
**Luffy**: Oh! Hey! Now the teams are uneven! That bothers me for some reason.  
**Usopp**: Since when have you been OCD...?  
**Chopper**: What! Luffy has OCD!  
**Usopp**: No, I was speaking--  
**Robin**: Bonus question! What is stewed or fried meat served in thick white sauce called? (_There is a pause._)  
**Zoro**: WHY DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO ASK THE COOKING QUESTION?**  
Robin**: Please buzz in first if you think you know the answer.  
**Luffy**: Mm... (_He sinks down against the podium, his chin hitting the buzzer._) Fricassee... Want...  
**Robin**: That's correct! And since it was a bonus question, you can either take the ten points or send someone from the other team into the pit of alligators!  
**Luffy**: (_**Zoro** opens his mouth to respond, but **Luffy** beats him to it._) Chopper to the pit of alligators!  
**Chopper**: HUH? (_But he, like **Sanji** before him, is sent down into the pit._)  
**Zoro**: Idiot! We needed the points!  
**Luffy**: There. They're even again. Plus, everybody knows he was involved with Robin.  
**Usopp**: (_Looking severely perturbed._) He sent Chopper down just because he was opposite Sanji...  
**Robin**: We're now entering the lightening round! The score now stands fifty to ten, with four players left. The first lightening round question is: the logical principle that states that the simplest solution is usually the best is known as what? (_**Usopp** buzzes in._) Red Team!  
**Usopp**: Occam's Razor!  
**Robin**: Correct! You can take the points or send another opposing team member to the pit of alligators!  
**Nami**: Zoro to the pit of alligators!  
**Zoro**: (_As he's catapulted away._) I'll get you for this!  
**Nami**: (_Waving at him._) Bye-bye!  
**Luffy**: Dammit. Uneven again.  
**Robin**: Next: when super-cooled water droplets form around a solid object, such as a dust particle, what occurs? (_**Luffy** and **Nami** both buzz in._) Hm, that was close, but I think Blue Team was first!  
**Nami**: What! Do you even know the answer, Luffy?  
**Luffy**: (_He thinks._) Roast beef?  
**Robin**: Wrong! The correct answer was hail!  
**Nami**: Why did you even buzz in?  
**Luffy**: I was hoping it would just come to me.  
**Robin**: You can either take ten points off your score, or boot one of your remaining team members! What's it going to be, Blue Team?  
**Usopp**: (_Muttering to **Nami**._) Why does she even offer him a choice?  
**Luffy**: Well... Zoro said we needed the points, so... I guess I'll have to boot myself off the team!  
**Usopp**, **Robin**, _and_ **Nami**: WHAT? (_But **Luffy**'s already being catapulted into the pit._)  
**Robin**: ... Anyway, we're down to just two players! The first one to answer this question correctly is the ultimate winner! How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll Center of a Tootsie Pop? (_**Nami** reaches over and hits **Usopp**'s buzzer._) Usopp!  
**Usopp**: What! I didn't buzz in, that was--  
**Robin**: I need an answer!  
**Usopp**: That's just it, I don't _know_ the answer--  
**Robin**: Oh, I'm sorry! That means Nami is the winner by default, and you will be sent to the pit of alligators!  
**Usopp**: Wait! Wait! It's not _fair..._ (_His voice fades away as he falls down the pit._)  
**Robin**: Congratulations, Nami! (_Lights flash, buzzers sound, and money falls from the ceiling._) You're the big winner of _Win, Lose, or Get Dropped Into a Pit of Vicious, Snapping Alligators!_ What are you gonna do now?  
**Nami**: I'm going to Disneyland!  
**Usopp**: (_His voice echoes up from the pit._) This is the worst game show ever! Oh--oh my god! Ow! My leg! Oh god, my leg! Someone, for the love of god--!

**Voiceover**: If you'd like to be a contestant on _Win, Lose, or Get Dropped Into a Pit of Vicious, Snapping Alligators,_ please dial 1-800-HELP-NOW, and one of our specially qualified psychiatrists will take your call and help talk you through your personal crisis.

-----

A/N: Um... am I going to hell?

And it didn't come out quite as long as I would have liked, but I also didn't want to keep boring everyone with useless trivia. (_Pets Google._)


	32. Revamp the Sixteenth

A/N: I have been _trying_ to write the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ crossover that had been requested for, like, EVER (ohmigod) now, and it kicks my ass _every time._ Possibly this is a hint that I should never, ever, ever write PotC fic. But, like my motto says, "Never give up!" /Tohru Honda. I swear I'll have it soon.

Also, of course I always read every single one of my reviews, but yesterday for the first time I actually looked at the _number._ Wow! That's... way more fingers and toes than I have. And I think the best part is that it's mostly the same people coming back again and again, which makes me super happy, because it means that I'm still managing to keep your interests. Thank you for reading and sharing such kind words with me! (_Tear._)

-----

"It had to come sooner or later," said Uno, staring sadly at the memo.

"Yeah. Sooner or later," his assistant echoed with a nod.

"I'm not really sure how they're gonna do it, though," he said, cocking his head to one side.

"Me neither," she agreed, mimicking his movements.

He turned his head to the other side. "Maybe we'll have to have the special effects department look into it."

She copied him again. "Sounds like a plan."

He held the envelope up over his shoulder. "Be off, then."

She took it. "As you wish."


	33. Chopper and Friends

A/N: Again, this wasn't a request, but I had half of it sitting on my hard drive so I decided to finish it. (It's the one I started writing before... um, the fairy tale one, I think?)

I never watched this sort of show when I was young. I watched stuff like Power Rangers and Sailor Moon and Gumby. Gumby 0wn'd. I think. I was young a long time ago. OH I'M SO OLD.

-----

**Voiceover**: Hi, kids! It's that time again, yes, _that_ time: time for _Chopper and Friends!_

(_Cut to a set decorated with rainbows, cushions that look like clouds, sparkles, unicorns, and so forth. **Chopper**, looking especially adorable, trots out._)

**Chopper**: Welcome to Chopper and Friends! My friends aren't here yet, but they won't mind if we start without them. Today's special topic is _dreams._ We all have them; it's what helps us get through each day!  
**Luffy**: (_Offstage._) Chopper!  
**Chopper**: Ah! They're here. Come on out, guys, don't be shy! (_The other six crew members come running out, but with one minor difference: they all seem to be around the age of seven (the anachronism, she is tasty)._)  
**Nami**: You started without us!  
**Chopper**: I was just telling everyone how--  
**Sanji**: Yeah, you were just trying to get more lines than us, you sh--  
**Chopper**: S-Sanji! Language!  
**Sanji**: Since when has that ever mattered to me? (_Pause._) Have you gotten taller?  
**Zoro**: No, we've just shrunk.  
**Luffy**: Why are we tiny?  
**Robin**: Tiny things are inherently more adorable.  
**Luffy**: But, I mean... is this a flashback?  
**Robin**: Doubtful. We wouldn't all be here if that were the case, would we? Besides, Master Doctor seems to be normal.  
**Chopper**: As normal as a half-man, half-blue-nosed-reindeer _can_ be, anyway!  
**Usopp**: Now is not the time, Chopper.  
**Chopper**: Sorry.  
**Nami**: (_Stepping forward suddenly._) My name is Nami! My birthday is July 3! I love money and tangerines, and my dream is to use my navigation skills to draw a map of the world!  
**Zoro**: What are you talking about...?  
**Chopper**: That's an amazing dream, Nami!  
**Nami**: (_She gives a little girl giggle._) Yes! Bellemère always said I could do anything I put my mind to.  
**Chopper**: Hooray! Thank you for sharing, Nami. Who's next?  
**Sanji**: Like I'd want to--  
**Nami**: Aw, come on, guys!  
**Sanji**: (_His hand shoots up._) Sanji! March 2! I love cooking and ladies! My dream is to find All Blue, the legendary sea that contains every kind of fish from all over the world in it!  
**Zoro**: That is, without a doubt, the stupidest dream I've ever heard. By the way.  
**Sanji**: Why you--!  
**Chopper**: Now, now, Zoro. You shouldn't judge other people's dreams. At least tell us what yours is.  
**Zoro**: What?  
**Chopper**: Come on. Just follow the format of the others.  
**Zoro**: ... (_He sighs heavily._) Roronoa Zoro. November 11. Drinking and sleeping, not necessarily in that order. To become the greatest swordsman in the world.  
**Chopper**: WHOA! He's right, Sanji; his dream kicks your dream's ass!  
**Sanji**: I'll show you a thing or two about ass kicking--!  
**Chopper**: Anyway, who's next?  
**Usopp**: I'll go! My name is Usopp, I was born on April 1, I love inventing things and telling stories--  
**Zoro**: --by which you mean lying--  
**Usopp**: (_Ignoring him._) --and my dream is to become a great warrior of the seas, _just like my dad!_  
**Chopper**: (_Wiping away a a tear._) That's such a beautiful dream!  
**Usopp**: You think so? (_Blinking back tears himself._) My mom died, you know.  
**Chopper**: (_Getting even more misty-eyed._) R-really?  
**Usopp**: Yeah! And I tried to tell her there were pirates coming, that my dad was coming back, to cheer her up, but she died, and I just never stopped lying like that! I just want everyone to be happy, you know?  
**Chopper**: (_Bursting into tears._) That's the most selfless thing I've ever heard!  
**Usopp**: (_Also._) Don't you think so! I think so too! (_They fall against each other, sobbing._)  
**Luffy**: (_He had gone off to play with the stuffed unicorns, and just now notices what's going on._) ... Huh? Why are they crying?  
**Robin**: Shh, Master Captain--they're having a "moment."  
**Luffy**: Ahh.  
**Zoro**: I really didn't think things could get any dumber, but I was wrong. I'm going to go take a nap. (_He settles on one of the cushions to do just that, and is out almost instantly._)  
**Nami**: Anyway! Why don't we keep going? Right? Robin?  
**Robin**: Well, I suppose. Name: Nico Robin, birthday: February 6. I come from a family of archaeologists, and it's my dream to find the true history.  
**Sanji**: What does that _mean_, anyway?  
**Robin**: To give more information would be a spoiler.  
**Nami**: (_Coughing as a way of interrupting._) Anyway! Yay! Luffy?  
**Luffy**: What?  
**Nami**: Aren't you going to share your dream with us?  
**Luffy**: ... Haven't I already? Many times?  
**Nami**: Just do it, okay?  
**Luffy**: (_Jumping up._) Yes! My name is Monkey D. Luffy, and I am the--  
**Nami**: No, no, no. Haven't you been paying attention? You have to tell us _about_ yourself first. For example, my birthday is July 3 and I love money and tangerines!  
**Luffy**: Ah! My birthday is May 5, and I love meat and my hat, but for different reasons! I am the man--well, boy, I guess--who will become the pirate king!  
**Nami**: Very good. Is that everyone?  
**Chopper**: (_He sniffs, wiping his eyes._) That can't be everyone; we still have too much time left. (_He squints at the cue cards._) Oh, that's right! We still haven't heard from our special guest! (_Beat._) Special guest? What special guest?  
**Porche**: (_From offstage._) Oh! Choppy!  
**Chopper**: AAH! NO! (_He runs to hide behind the sleeping **Zoro**, but he does so, in typical **Chopper** fashion, backwards._)  
**Porche**: (_She comes running out._) Oh no! Where did my Choppy go? I thought I saw him a minute ago.  
**Usopp**_ and_ **Nami**: She... doesn't see him...  
**Porche**: (_To **Luffy**._) Little boy, have you seen Choppy?  
**Usopp**_ and_ **Nami**: She... doesn't recognize us...  
**Luffy**: Huh? Why the hell would I tell you?  
**Porche**: (_She looks very affronted._) Ah! I never!  
**Sanji**: Ah! Dear Porche! Would you like me to fix you something? Perhaps a drink, or some mini sausages?  
**Luffy**: Ooh! I want some sausages!  
**Sanji**: I wasn't asking you.  
**Porche**: You remind me of this cook I met once... oh! There's Choppy! Choppy!  
**Chopper**: AAH! Save me, Robin!  
**Porche**: (_She stops, looking a little confused._) Robin...?  
**Nami**: Do you think she's figured it out?  
**Usopp**: No, watch.  
**Porche**: That's a nice name! Anyway, come here, Choppy!  
**Nami**: (_She facepalms._) Gotcha.  
**Usopp**: There's one thing I don't understand about all this, though.  
**Nami**: Only _one_ thing...?  
**Usopp**: I honestly don't understand how they decide what's a spoiler and what's not. I mean, Porche comes into the story awfully late, right?  
**Nami**: Right.  
**Usopp**: And I distinctly remember Robin trying to mention something that happened _before_ her appearance in the musical episode.  
**Nami**: You could tell what she was going to say...?  
**Usopp**: But that was a spoiler! So now I just don't understand.  
**Nami**: It is not for us to understand, grasshopper. All the world's a stage, all the men and women merely players... or something.  
**Usopp**: That was deep.  
**Nami**: Shakespeare.  
**Porche**: (_Chasing **Chopper** around the stage._) Choppy! Come back!  
**Chopper**: WHYYY!  
**Usopp**: Well, I guess in the end I'm just grateful for the fact that I'm not cute and fuzzy. (_**Nami** nods her assent._)

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _Chopper and Friends,_ our special topic is national conflicts! Zoro and Nami argue about Ireland VS. Northern Ireland. Will Chopper be able to help them resolve their conflict through the unifying power of the central white stripe? Stay tuned to find out!

-----

A/N: Since I figure this is as good a time as any: well. I decide what's considered spoilers pretty much the same way Luffy does; I just _decide_. I think I mostly go by K-F releases, since I would wager a guess that they're the source of MOST people's _One Piece_. In case anybody (besides, apparently, Usopp and Nami) actually wondered. I'm going to assume that most people reading this are at least through Alabasta, given the fact that I've included Robin, and the fact that Luffy is worth 100,000,000 (at least I think I've mentioned that, but if I haven't, it was coming anyway). If not... you were probably spoiled with regards to those things long before I came along. And even if I do consider something a spoiler, sometimes I can't help dropping hints in regards to it anyway. I'll say something, and then I'll be like, "WAIT. NO." And I'll have to go back and censor it. And so on.

The appearance of Porche in this chapter (and the mention of Foxy and Enel in another, and possibly other things I've forgotten) would suggest that I am going against my own policy. However, there's nothing particularly spoiler-ish about these characters aside from the fact that they exist at all, so I guess it's no big deal. I LOVE YOU, FOXY. Even if you and Porche did want to break up my OTP.

I've been wanting to include a reference to Zoro/Ireland vs. Nami/Northern Ireland for ages. Don't ask why. I just did. And now here we are.


	34. Revamp the Seventeenth

A/N: Sorry for the wait once again! I had this last episode ready to go in time, but as I may or may not have mentioned before, I like to have a good idea on what I'm doing at LEAST an episode ahead, and I got too busy with, you know, _life_ to work on that :x A temporary problem, to be sure.

-----

"Sacrilege," announced Uno when he received the latest memo. That was what his assistant liked most about him: he was succinct.

"Well, not necessarily," she countered. "High school kids do this sort of thing all the time."

He eyed her warily. "Not on _national television."_

"Well, no, that's true," she backpedaled. "But I'm sure it won't be _that_ awful."

"I see you remembered to take your Prozac this morning, Mary Sunshine," he said.

"Hey, it was Mary _Sue,"_ she called over her shoulder as she began the journey to the writers' offices.

Once she was gone, Uno decided to have two cigars at once. If nothing else, the cancer would kill him that much faster.


	35. Monkey D Luffy's Romeo and Juliet

A/N: -- And as soon as I say that, K-F releases the episode that unofficially introduces Enel, so never mind on that one.

This one's for SorceryGeniusLina. Oh, Will, don't hold it against me. You know I've always been a fangirl.

-----

**Voiceover**: Star-crossed lovers. Awesome sword fights. Thumb biting. No, it's not a new episode of _Desperate Housewives_; it's Monkey D. Luffy's _The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet!_

(_**Chopper** is standing in front of a drawn curtain, illuminated solely by a single spotlight. He reads from some note cards clutched in his hoof._)

**Chopper**: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... wait, no. (_He flips through the cards, looking for something._) Call me Ishmael. Wait, that's wrong too... (_He flips some more._) Four score and... (_Flipping._) In the beginning... (_Flipping._) When in the course of human... (_Flipping._) Ah! (_He clears his throat._) Two households, both alike in dignity,  
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where civil--  
**Nami**: (_Offstage._) GET ON WITH IT!  
**Chopper**: Oh! (_He flips some more._) ...The which if you with patient ears attend  
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend. (_He bows and exits._)

(_Curtain rises. **Zoro** and **Sanji** are already about an inch from each other, arguing heatedly._)

**Zoro**: And _I'm_ telling _you_, I was biting my thumb, but I wasn't biting my thumb _at you._  
**Sanji**: I'm not an idiot, you shitty Capulet.  
**Zoro**: Oh? That's the first I've heard of it.  
**Sanji**: Why you--! (_**Luffy** and **Robin** enter._)  
**Luffy**: Yo!  
**Zoro**: It's just like you idiot Montagues to gang up on me.  
**Luffy**: Hey! How dare you call me a Montague--!  
**Robin**: That's not an insult, Master Romeo.  
**Sanji**: Hey, wait a minute! I thought _I_ was Romeo. I mean, it _only_ makes sense.  
**Zoro**: Let's see... moody idiot who's a fool for women, and ends up dying, stupidly and needlessly, for one... sounds appropriate.  
**Sanji**: If one dies for a woman, it is neither stupid nor needless. Ever.  
**Luffy**: Wait a minute, why does everyone keep talking about dying? Sanji, did your cancer come back?  
**Sanji**: I never _had_ cancer; it was just a plot device.  
**Robin**: This is a tragedy, though. One can only expect death.  
**Luffy**: Oh! (_Clapping a hand on **Sanji**'s shoulder._) Well, it was nice knowing you.  
**Sanji**: _You're_ the one who's dying, "Romeo"!  
**Luffy**: WHAT? Who wants to kill me? I'll kick their ass!  
**Robin**: You kill yourself.  
**Luffy**: No way!  
**Robin**: And actually, Master Mercutio (_she points to **Sanji**_) you die too.  
**Zoro**: (_He laughs._) Doesn't it figure?  
**Robin**: So do you, Master Tybalt.  
**Sanji**: (_He laughs._) Serves you right!  
**Robin**: Though not before you kill Master Mercutio.  
**Sanji**: What! I would never allow that shitty king of cats to get the better of me.  
**Luffy**: Ooh! This is depressing. What about you, Robin? Who kills you?  
**Sanji**: Yeah, tell me! I'll kill them first! It's this guy, isn't it? (_Motioning to **Zoro**._)  
**Robin**: Actually, it's no one. I live.  
**Chopper**: (_Poking his head onstage._) Uh. Guys. You're getting ahead of yourselves.  
**Robin**: Oh. Sorry, Master Chorus. (_**Chopper** retreats._)  
**Nami**: (_Entering._) O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?  
Deny thy father and refuse thy name...!  
**Sanji**: (_Kneeling before her._) O, speak again, bright angel!  
**Nami**: You're not Romeo...  
**Sanji**: What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet!  
**Nami**: Hey, hey, hey, that's _my_ line.  
**Zoro**: Hey, coz, can I kill him yet?  
**Nami**: Knock yourself out. Lord knows we could use some action. (_**Zoro** pulls out his stage sword and stabs **Sanji**._)  
**Sanji**: (_He looks up at **Zoro**._) You're kidding me, right?  
**Zoro**: Look, it's not my fault if these things are both fake _and_ cheap. Just die, okay?  
**Sanji**: A plague o' your house! I refuse! Who will protect Miss N--  
**Nami**: Juliet.  
**Sanji**: --Miss Juliet and, er...  
**Robin**: Master Benvolio.  
**Sanji**: ...Yes. Who will protect them?  
**Zoro**: Protect them from _whom,_ might I ask?  
**Sanji**: Well, you, for one. If you think for--  
**Nami**: (_She clocks **Sanji** over his head, rendering him out for the count._) There. Let's move on with things, shall we?  
**Usopp**: (_From offstage._) Seriously! I'm _dying_ back here.  
**Luffy**: Why is everybody dying!  
**Robin**: It's in the script, Master Romeo. In fact, you're supposed to kill Master Tybalt now.  
**Luffy**: Who?  
**Nami**: ZORO.  
**Luffy**: Ah. Why would I want to do that?  
**Robin**: To avenge your fallen comrade.  
**Luffy**: But why would I want to kill Zoro? Nami, you were the one that hit Sanji. You hit him all the time, and I've never wanted to kill you over it.  
**Nami**: Just _do_ it.  
**Luffy**: Well... if you say so! (_He runs **Zoro** through with his sword. **Zoro** falls._)  
**Zoro**: This is so insulting. (_He "dies," though after a moment his snores are quite audible._)  
**Nami**: (_Going back into "Juliet mode."_) Romeo! You killed my cousin!  
**Luffy**: You told me to! Wait, Zoro's your cousin? (_He scratches his head._) I can't keep track of all this.  
**Nami**: You have to run away now!  
**Luffy**: What?  
**Nami**: (_Rage._) RUN AWAY!  
**Luffy**: Aah! Running away! (_He runs away._)  
**Usopp**: (_He enters._) Ah! It is I, the Great Captain--er, Friar Laurence, here to offer some sage advice. Here's a potion that'll make everyone think you're dead, Juliet. Then Romeo will come back, you'll wake up, and the two of you can run off together!  
**Nami**: That doesn't sound ridiculously complex at all! Nothing can possibly go wrong with that plan. Certainly not an outbreak of the plague keeping the message from ever reaching Romeo or anything like that.  
**Usopp**: That's exactly what I thought! I'm glad we're on the same wavelength. But first, there's something I was wondering.  
**Nami**: What's that?  
**Usopp**: Well, wouldn't it have made more sense to make you and Zoro the star-crossed lovers?  
**Nami**: Compared to me and Luffy, it would have made more sense to make_ you_ and Zoro the star-crossed lovers.  
**Usopp**: No, no, I mean, then we could have carried over the Ireland/Northern Ireland joke from the last episode.  
**Nami**: That's true, but do we _ever_ carry anything over from one episode to the next?  
**Usopp**: Touché. But anyway, I guess it's a moot point, and we've still got some wacky Elizabethan hijinks to finish up. Where were we?  
**Nami**: You had just explained your not-at-all-too-complicated plan and were about to give me the potion... thing.  
**Usopp**: Ah! You're right. Here you go. (_He hands her a small vial of potion, which she quickly downs, and falls to the stage. **Usopp** and **Robin** stand in the back, observing. There is a long pause._)  
**Robin**: Uh... Master Romeo? You can come back now!  
**Luffy**: (_He saunters back out, eating a corn dog._) Yo.  
**Usopp**: Where did you get that...?  
**Luffy**: (_He sees **Nami** lying on the ground._) Ah! Nami too?  
**Robin**: Right. And now you're supposed to be so overcome with grief that you kill yourself.  
**Luffy**: No way, I'm not even done with my corn dog.  
**Usopp**: (_He clocks **Luffy** over the head, causing him to fall to the ground._) What can I say? I studied at the Nami School of Acting.  
**Nami**: (_She sits up, in "Juliet mode."_) Oh! Romeo! He is dead! Oh well. What can you do. (_She reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet, taking the bills from within. She gives them a small kiss and tosses the rest of the wallet aside._) Hey, "Benvolio," let's go shopping.  
**Robin**: That sounds like a good idea, Miss "Juliet." (_The two of them exit together._)  
**Chopper**: (_He enters from the opposite direction._) That's not how it goes, is it?  
**Usopp**: (_He watches them go, shaking his head._) Not at all.

(_Curtain._)

**Voiceover**: Never was a story of more woe  
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo!  
If you missed the woe, you obviously weren't paying enough attention.

-----

A/N: A million points to anyone who can name where Chopper's false starts are all from. Without using a search engine.

I couldn't find my copy of the play, so I had to use one transcribed online any time I wanted an exact quote (you could probably find the exact one I used if you do a quick Google). Anyway, the lines that are from _Romeo and Juliet_ are from that version and, quite obviously, not written by me. I think you can tell what's what, as I tend not to write in iambic pentameter on my own. I was a little disturbed by how much of the play I remembered, considering I read it almost five years ago... Though note that I had to look up Friar Laurence's name. I was literally like, "Dammit, what was the friar's name? Friar... Tuck? No, no, that can't be right..."

Also, I'm not always that pleased with how any given episode turns out, but this is the most satisfied I've felt in a few days. Just sharing XD


	36. Revamp the Eighteenth

A/N: Wow. This is so late. Big WOOPS. I wrote it like THREE days ago and never had the chance to finish it up and post it. A THOUSAND APOLOGIES.

ALSO! I have a question for all of you, which I will put down below. A read and a response is assuredly appreciated.

-----

There were three new things sitting on Uno's desk when his assistant came in: a large bottle of aspirin, and two goldfish.

"That'll eat away at your stomach lining," she said.

"I don't plan on letting them at my stomach lining," he said.

She paused. "I meant the aspirin, not the fish."

"Oh. I wondered."

She held out an envelope to him.

"I don't want to see it," he said, waving it away and reaching for the aspirin.

"Those are the fish."

"Oh." He tried again, and got it right this time.

-----

A/N: Okay. So. Here's my question: how many people are more or less up-to-date with the current story line in the manga, or at least don't care at all about spoilers? I ask this because, well (and what I say will be spoiler free for the people who answered "no" to that question): it's been pretty clear for a while that Luffy and Co. have been looking for a new crew member (specifically, a shipwright). I thought that I'd be safe until the current story arc got closer to its end (which won't be for many moons, I am sure), but that MAY not be the case after all (damn you, Oda). Just to clarify, nothing is confirmed yet, and I absolutely won't make any changes until it IS confirmed, but if I don't include the new crew member when it's official (as in, from that point on), this will feel dated (note: I am CRAZY). So. If that should happen before I finish this mess (and god only KNOWS when that will be...), I wanted to get everybody's consensus. Possibly this only matters to me.


	37. Straw Hat Break Time Theatre!

A/N: Bevin: Actually, it was the Declaration of Independence ("When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another..." etc.) but you were damn close, so... half a million points XD

Also, in response to ciera's question "why goldfish?" well, the answer is, because bettas would have killed each other.

And as a side note to Kami-Ranma: even people who are up-to-date don't know a lot about Robin's history XD In the current arc, a very small bit has been revealed, but other than that... Oda's doing his darnedest to keep us in the dark for as long as possible. In fact, we actually know more at this point about the POSSIBLE newest Straw Hat than we do about Robin.

Anyway: so this is how the rest of the month is looking for me: over the next three weeks, I will be helping a friend housesit on and off; in a week and a half, a(nother) friend is coming to visit for a few days from the east coast; on the 27th, I move back into my dorm; on the 29th, I start classes.

Basically, this boils down to the fact that both my Internet connection and my writing time will be more intermittent. However, I will take every available moment to work on this, and I am most definitely NOT abandoning it. I say this just in case worst should come to worst and I disappear for any length of time; I will be back!

With that, to tide you over until the next episode is ready to go live, here is a bit of what I call STRAW HAT BREAK TIME THEATRE.

-----

"Look, _Entertainment Weekly_ gave the _Dukes of Hazzard_ film a B-plus," Nami said, pointing.

Usopp leaned over. "Really? _People_ gave it, like, half a star."

"Harsh!" said Nami, scanning the article. "_EW_ says it's a fun movie, and Jessica Simpson does well."

"_People_ begs to differ."

"Eh, I don't know that I'd go see it either way. It's hard to find time to go to the movies nowadays, not to mention ticket prices are exorbitant," Nami said with a shrug, flipping the page.

"I'd go to the movies with you, Miss Nami," said Sanji appearing beside her with an ice cold glass of peach tea.

"Oh, thank you," she said, taking a sip.

"I'd even pay for the ticket!"

"Really?" she said.

"Would you pay for _my_ ticket?" Usopp batted his eyelashes.

"Buy your own damn ticket, dumbass," Sanji said curtly.

They were interrupted by a loud pounding from across the room.

"What the heck is that noise?" asked Nami, not looking up from the pages of the magazine.

"Nothing. Zoro's just fighting with the vending machine again," Usopp explained.

"What's the matter, Zoro?" asked Chopper, wandering over.

"This stupid piece of crap ate my money _again!"_ Zoro said, hitting the machine in question with all his might. "Look, see there? The Skittles gum I wanted got stuck. This thing would be in pieces if Nami hadn't kicked my ass the last time I broke one because they made her pay for the replacement." Suddenly, it was as if a light bulb went off in his head. "Hey, Chopper... you have small hands..."

"Hooves," Chopper corrected.

"Right. They're small. See if you can reach up in there and get it for me."

"Are you sure that's safe...?" Chopper eyed the machine warily.

"I'm positive!"

"Okay!" Chopper knelt down in front of the machine, reaching his arm in as far as it would go.

"Just a little farther... a little farther..."

"And what is dear Robin reading today?" asked Sanji, presenting her with some coffee.

"Thank you," she said, taking it. "I'm reading the newest _Harry Potter_ book. Well, re-reading it, just to make sure I didn't miss anything."

"I almost tried out for a part in those films," Sanji said, settling in his seat, next to hers. "But then I heard they were only looking for British actors, so."

"What nationality _are_ you?" Usopp asked, eavesdropping.

"I was born in North Blue," he said.

"No, I meant..." Usopp sighed. "Never mind. It doesn't work anyway."

"There!" cried Zoro triumphantly. "You got it." He bent down and retrieved his gum. "Thanks a lot, Chopper." He patted him on the head, walking away.

"You're welcome!" He paused. "Wait. My hoof's stuck. I can't get my arm out. Zoro! Zoro, help!"

"Straw Hats to Stage 1," a voice announced. "Straw Hats to Stage 1."

Nami sighed, closing her magazine and standing up. "That's us. Guess we have to get back to work. Where's Luffy?"

"Talking to that big blue-haired cyborg over there," Usopp said, pointing.

Sanji looked. "Oh. Him again! He's always trying to get a part in the show."

"I wish he'd wear _pants,"_ Nami lamented.

"No kidding," said Zoro, digging for a purple piece.

"Last call for Straw Hats, Stage 1," the voice said, sounding more insistent.

"Luffy!" Nami called. "Come on, we have to get back to work!"

"Yeah! I'm coming!" Luffy called.

"Hey, guys?" Chopper called after them as they walked away. "Guys! I'm still stuck! Help! Someone!"


	38. Luffy's Island

A/N: So not long after I post that, my computer goes kaput for the second time in as many months XD Ah, technology, she is grand. Anyway, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, even if I'm forced to do a system restore (ONCE AGAIN), nearly everything is safe here (excluding, like, some attempts at the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ crossover). Of this fic. Which says nothing of everything else that was on that hard drive. Grumble. See, I knew I blew out my hard drive, but the self-righteous condescending jerks at the so-called "Genius" Bar (...apologies in advance on the off-chance anyone that happens to read this is, is related to, is the significant other of, or is very good friends with someone who works there) told me I was mistaken. Up yours, assholes. When a computer doesn't boot up, something is wrong.

SO! Add that to the ever-growing pile of Ways In Which Fate Is Trying To Make Me Give Up On This Or At Least Be Able To Work On It A Lot Less (tm). I've commandeered my mother's computer pending a miraculous recovery or a replacement. ALL FOR YOU PEOPLE. ALL FOR YOU.

Okay. Enough of my own personal drama. 100 REVIEWS! This is a very exciting moment for me. You people are TEH awesome. And in gratitude for all your kind words AND your never-ending patience AND the one-month birthday of this story... DOUBLE CHAPTERS. Cue the confetti!

I don't know WHY I've never done this before. Like, I literally went back and checked to make sure that I hadn't done it and just forgotten. It seems so obvious. Plus, with the impending addition of a new member (no matter who it ends up being, I'm sure by the time this mess is over it will be SOMEONE), this may be my last chance to have the numbers match up properly! Oh, hell. Who am I kidding. I've probably got months.

Not a request, but really, it had to be done.

-----

**Voiceover**: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this tropic board, aboard this tiny ship!

(_Roll credits! Haven't done this in a while!_)

**Voiceover**: (_Shot of **Luffy**. He looks much the same as normal. Don't tell me you never noticed that his outfit is ridiculously similar to Gilligan's._) The mate was a mighty sailin' man! (_Shot of **Sanji**. He is dressed in a blue polo, khaki pants, and skipper hat._) The skipper brave and sure! Five passengers set sail that day on a three-hour tour, a three-hour tour! Blah blah blah, the millionaire! (_Shot of **Chopper**, looking very natty in a Mr. Howell suit._) And his wife! (_Shot of **Robin**, also looking snazzy, complete with parasol. If you thought I wasn't going to keep pandering to my OTP, you were wrong._) The movie star! (_Shot of **Zoro** in a sparkling beaded gown, looking like he's about to kill someone._) And the rest! (_Shot of **Usopp** and **Nami**, dressed like the Professor and Mary Ann, respectively._)  
**Usopp**: WHY are we always "the rest"? (_**Nami** facepalms._)

(_Cut to a deserted tropical island. There are huts made of palm fronds, etc. It looks just like the set you'd see on Gilligan's Island every week, were you to watch Gilligan's Island every week that is. "**Mary Ann**" is finishing up a pie. There are several others, already finished, on the table. The "**Professor**" is watching._)

**Professor**: No, really. "The rest"?  
**Mary Ann**: (_She shrugs._) Maybe people will respect us more after the current arc is over, but until then, would you like some pie?  
**Professor**: Ooh, thank you. (_He takes a piece. Suddenly, the "**Skipper**" bursts out of one of the huts yelling._)  
**Skipper**: Unforgivable! Why are you bothering yourself with cooking?  
**Mary Ann**: Because this show was conceived in the 1960s, when the traditional roll of the woman was still more accepted than going against it, and part of that means cooking for men. Tell me if you think it's any good?  
**Skipper**: (_He takes a piece._) Oh! It's amazing, just like you! I can taste all the love you poured into it in each and every bite! When I eat it, I want for nothing else!  
**Mary Ann**: I'm glad you like it.  
**Skipper**: But don't do it again! Cooking for you is my job!  
**Mary Ann**: Not around here. (_"**Gilligan**" comes running up._)  
**Gilligan**: Did somebody say _pie?_  
**Mary Ann**: Here you--  
**Skipper**: No! I can't stand the thought of your hard work going to waste on one with the palate of a deranged hippo!  
**Gilligan**: (_Annoyed, and wanting pie._) _Who's_ a deranged hippo?  
**Skipper**: (_He hits him over the head with his hat._) You are! (_The "**Millionaires**" stroll up._)  
**Mrs. Howell**: So. What wacky scheme are we devising to attempt to get off the island today?  
**Mary Ann**: Pie?  
**Gilligan**: Don't mind if I-- (_The **Skipper** fends him off with his hat again while **Mary Ann** serves up pieces for the **Millionaires**._) Hey! Stop that!  
**Skipper**: Deranged hippo!  
**Gilligan**: Ow!  
**Professor**: As for wacky schemes, I think we're waiting on someone. Hey, Ginger! (_"**Ginger**" shouts from offstage._)  
**Ginger**: If you think I'm coming out, you're wrong.  
**Professor**: Oh, come on! It's not that bad!  
**Ginger**: Screw you!  
**Professor**: No, really! I think you look... pretty! (_He and **Mary Ann** can no longer hold back their snickering, and they fall against each other, laughing._)  
**Ginger**: I can hear you, assholes!  
**Mary Ann**: Aw! Come on! Come perform for us! Sing us a song!  
**Professor**_and_ **Mary Ann**: Boo-boo-bee-doo! (_They crack up all over again._)  
**Ginger**: I will fuck your shit up!  
**Skipper**: You lay one finger on Miss Mary Ann, and you'll be breathing from your kneecaps! (_**Gilligan** takes this opportunity to grab a piece of pie and swallow it whole._)  
**Mrs. Howell**: I don't think you'll have to worry about that. He--_she_ can't "fuck" anyone's "shit up" if she doesn't come out.  
**Ginger**: (_Throwing open the door to the hut. He is still wearing the sparkly gown and looking murderous. He cracks his knuckles._) Who's first?  
**Professor**: Oh! You came out! (_Under his breath to **Mary Ann**._) Of the closet! (_They burst into laughter once more._)  
**Mr. Howell**: Ooh! Zoro! You look so pretty! (_**Ginger** facepalms. The **Professor** and **Mary Ann** can barely breathe for laughing. The **Skipper** joins in. **Gilligan** eats pie._)  
**Mary Ann**: You see! Adorable!  
**Skipper**: Just like a princess!  
**Professor**: Better be careful, or Sanji will start confessing his love!  
**Skipper**: I'd kill myself first!  
**Ginger**: I can make that happen! And anyway, this is so unfair! If they were going to make anyone cross-dress, it should have been you as Mary Ann, since you're the cook! Why are you even the Skipper?  
**Skipper**: Obviously, because I just have that certain _je ne sais quoi_ that makes people look to me as a leader.  
**Ginger**: Screw that noise! You're _way_ girlier than me!  
**Skipper**: Say that again!  
**Ginger**: You're way girlier than me! I mean, come on, you cook! You speak _French!_ If there's a girlier language than French, I don't know what it is.  
**Mary Ann**: Québecois French?  
**Professor**: Hmm, I was gonna say Dutch.  
**Mary Ann**: Dutch?  
**Professor**: It makes me think of tulips and windmills. That's pretty girly.  
**Mary Ann**: Point.  
**Ginger**: No, French is girlier.  
**Skipper**: You cold-blooded fish! French is the language of _amour!_  
**Ginger**: The hell?  
**Skipper**: OF LOVE! It's the language OF LOVE! Idiot!  
**Ginger**: Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over your _raging estrogen!_  
**Skipper**: You're the one in the dress!  
**Ginger**: They made me!  
**Skipper**: (_Mockingly, in a girly voice._) "They made me!" That's real manly.  
**Mary Ann**: Why are men always like this?  
**Professor**: I'm not always like that.  
**Mary Ann**: You don't count.  
**Professor**: Thanks.  
**Mrs. Howell**: Who would have thought that a send-up of a classic television sitcom would have become such a startling exposé of societal expectations and gender roles.  
**Mr. Howell**: Robin, can I have another piece of pie?  
**Mrs. Howell**: Certainly. (_She rescues one from **Gilligan** and hands a slice to **Mr. Howell**._)  
**Mr. Howell**: This is really good pie.  
**Mrs. Howell**: (_Serving herself a slice._) I agree.  
**Gilligan**: Are they still arguing about who's girlier?  
**Mrs. Howell**: They are.  
**Gilligan**: Shouldn't a real man be secure in his manliness and not constantly feel the need to reassert it?  
**Mr. Howell**: Ooh! That's really profound! I don't constantly feel the need to reassert my manliness.  
**Mrs. Howell**: Then that makes you manlier than those guys.  
**Mr. Howell**: Even though I'm a reindeer?  
**Mrs. Howell**: Even though you're a reindeer. (_**Mr. Howell**'s eyes go all sparkly._)  
**Professor**: You know, we still haven't discussed a way off the island.  
**Mr. Howell**: Why don't we build a raft? (_There is a silence._)  
**Professor**: Don't be ridiculous. That would never work.  
**Mr. Howell**: Why not?  
**Professor**: Because...!  
**Gilligan**: How would we fit all the pie on the raft?  
**Professor**: Exactly! ... Wait.  
**Mary Ann**: There is a problem with a raft. First of all, we don't have a Log Pose. How would we navigate? I'm good, but even I'm not _that_ good.  
**Ginger**: Who says this island is on the Grand Line?  
**Skipper**: Don't contradict her!  
**Mary Ann**: Plus, if we can expect someone to be looking for us... _can_ we expect someone to be looking for us?  
**Mrs. Howell**: I don't think so.  
**Mary Ann**: Hmm. That's going to be a problem. U--er, Professor. Can you build us some kind of firework or flare?  
**Professor**: If I had the proper components.  
**Mary Ann**: Good! Gilligan, Skipper, get to work looking for whatever he needs.  
**Skipper**: Yes, Miss Mary Ann!  
**Mr. Howell**: Ooh! She's so assertive.  
**Skipper**: Isn't it wonderful?  
**Mary Ann**: I said get to work!  
**Skipper**: YES! (_He scurries off to do so, dragging **Gilligan** with him._)  
**Professor**: I don't know that they'll find all the components on this island.  
**Mary Ann**: Nonsense. You can do anything you set your mind to!  
**Professor**: I also meant that they didn't give me the chance to tell them what they're looking for.  
**Mary Ann**: ... Oh.  
**Mrs. Howell**: Should we send out the search party now, or wait a bit?  
**Mary Ann**: Ah, come on. It's not like I sent out Ginger over there.  
**Ginger**: Hey.  
**Professor**: So essentially, you and I are our only hope for rescue.  
**Mary Ann**: Essentially.  
**Professor**: And yet we're "the rest"?  
**Mary Ann**: If people can't see how awesome we are, it's their loss.  
**Professor**: (_Shaking his head._) Fangirls and fanboys.

**Voiceover**: Next time, on _Luffy's Island,_ Mr. and Mrs. Howell set off to look for the Skipper and Gilligan. Ginger looks stunning in her red evening gown. The rest do some other stuff.

-----

A/N: I hope we have all learned A Valuable Lesson today.

Namely that I am egotistical and twelve so I have to sit here for a while going, "You came out... _of the closet,"_ and snickering to myself.


	39. Revamp the Nineteenth

A/N: I developed a new way to keep track of everything: spreadsheets! I love Excel, with all its little boxes. I know you can make it do all kinds of stuff like automatically mathing (totally a verb), but who cares? It just keeps everything neat and organized. Awesometastic.

-----

"Here's the latest memo, sir, and... you'll be happy to know we got that vending machine fixed," Uno's assistant announced.

"What are you so goddamn chipper about?"

She shrugged. "Nothing in particular. How's it looking this time?"

He read over the memo, then looked back up at her. "Where do I go to see a man about a large quantity of popsicle sticks?"

She didn't understand where he was going with that one. Sure, it was August, but his office was air-conditioned. "Would Otter Pops do?"

"Otter Pops would never, under _any_ circumstances, do."

"Point. I'll go see what I can do." With that, she left.


	40. Chopper, MD

A/N: I know this isn't exactly _ER_, but, well, the only medical shows I watch are _House, M.D._ and _Grey's Anatomy_ (if you aren't watching both of them, by the way, you should be). Keep that in mind. This Bud's for you, Hiei's ice angel!

-----

**Voiceover**: A medical mishap left him nearly paralyzed in one leg. The pain is so intense he's developed an addiction. The only thing keeping him going is his practice. He is... _Chopper, M.D._

(_Cut to an examination room in a hospital. **Zoro** is lying on the table, asleep, and bleeding quite profusely from many wounds on his body. **Chopper** opens the door and enters, limping; **Zoro** jerks awake._)

**Chopper**: Roronoa?  
**Zoro**: (_Disoriented._) Huh? Oh. Yeah.  
**Chopper**: It says here you got these wounds from... (_He flips through some papers._) ...falling off a bicycle.  
**Zoro**: Mmhmm...  
**Chopper**: You're lying.  
**Zoro**: What? No I'm not.  
**Chopper**: The calluses on your hands tell me you're a swordsman. And even if they didn't, any idiot could see these injuries could not be caused by a fall from a bicycle or even an elephant.  
**Zoro**: The elephant doesn't come in until later.  
**Chopper**: That's beside the point. Tell me what happened.  
**Zoro**: Well, I was riding a bike, and... I fell off of it.  
**Chopper**: A likely story. (_He goes to the door and calls out._) Nurses! (_In come **Robin** and **Usopp** in very sexy and revealing nurse outfits. Don't lie; the thought of **Usopp** in a sexy, revealing nurse outfit has kept you up nights and you know it._)  
**Robin**_ and_ **Usopp**: Yes?  
**Chopper**: Administer the truth serum.  
**Robin**_ and_ **Usopp**: Yes! (_They each pull out giant syringes._)  
**Zoro**: What... the hell! I thought this was supposed to be a medical drama!  
**Chopper**: Isn't this dramatic?  
**Zoro**: Not really! (_The door bursts open and in comes **Luffy**, looking pretty beat up himself._)  
**Luffy**: I've been waiting for--oh, hey, Zoro.  
**Zoro**: Hey. You're here too?  
**Luffy**: Yeah. I've been sitting in that room for _ages_, waiting.  
**Chopper**: I just left you five minutes ago.  
**Luffy**: Like I said! Ages! Hey, there's a jar of popsicle sticks in here, too! Do you collect them or something? That's pretty weird.  
**Chopper**: No, I don't collect them--  
**Luffy**: Then who does?  
**Chopper**: Er, no one I know--  
**Luffy**: Ah! A mysterious collector! (_**Sanji** bursts in beside **Luffy**. He, too, looks like he just lost a fight._)  
**Sanji**: What's going--oh! Dear Robin! Might I say, you're looking spectacular today!  
**Robin**: Why thank you.  
**Chopper**: Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Did you _all_ fall off an elephant?  
**Zoro**: Bicycle.  
**Chopper**: What_ever._  
**Sanji**: Is that what you told them?  
**Zoro**: I don't even know why I'm here. I just need to take a nap or five and I'll be fine.  
**Chopper**: That's ridiculous! You've lost ten pints of blood!  
**Zoro**: So?  
**Chopper**: So! The human body typically only holds twelve!  
**Zoro**: That means I've got two left, then. No big deal.  
**Chopper**: Except for the part where you need _seven_ to survive.  
**Zoro**: Should I be dead, then?  
**Chopper**: Medically speaking, yes!  
**Zoro**: Then be quiet so I can rest in peace! (_He falls asleep._)  
**Chopper**: AAH! He's dead! Doctor! Doctor!  
**Usopp**: You _are_ the doctor, Doctor.  
**Robin**: And he's just asleep, not dead.  
**Chopper**: Oh. Okay. (_Resuming his grumpy demeanor. He takes a small bottle out of his pocket, dumps some of its contents into his hand, then swallows them dry, returning the bottle to his pocket._) What about you two?  
**Sanji**: What about us?  
**Chopper**: Did you fall off a bicycle?  
**Sanji**: No, actually--  
**Luffy**: Hey, what was that?  
**Chopper**: What was what?  
**Luffy**: That bottle you took out just now.  
**Chopper**: Pain medication.  
**Luffy**: For what?  
**Chopper**: For the pain. You can't have it.  
**Luffy**: But I _want_ it.  
**Usopp**: (_Aside, to **Robin**._) I always knew he had a Rumble Ball addiction, but you try confronting him about it, and he just gets _all_ pissy.  
**Robin**: (_Aside to **Usopp**._) Tell me about it. I tried discussing alternative outlets, like painting or yoga, but he just wouldn't listen.  
**Usopp**: (_Aside to **Robin**._) Maybe we need to figure out some kind of intervention.  
**Robin**: (_Aside to **Usopp**._) Perhaps that would be in order, yes, but we'd have to be careful. He's known to get violent when his supply of Rumble Balls is threatened. (_**Usopp** nods thoughtfully in agreement._)  
**Chopper**: No! You can't have them!  
**Luffy**: But I _want--_  
**Chopper**: (_Turning into his scary man-beast form._) Don't make me kung fu your ass!  
**Luffy**: Okay, okay. (_Pause._) Can I have your popsicle stick collection instead, then?  
**Chopper**: (_Returning to his normal adorable, yet grumpy, form._) Go ahead. Whatever.  
**Luffy**: Awesome! (_He takes the jar of tongue depressors._)  
**Chopper**: Anyway, back to the problem at hand--hey! You! Listen to me! (_He turns angrily to **Sanji**, who has gone to schmooze with **Robin**._)  
**Sanji**: Huh? Oh. I'm listening, I'm listening.  
**Chopper**: You people need to tell me how you got these injuries! The truth this time!  
**Sanji**: How do you know Marimo wasn't telling the truth?  
**Chopper**: I'm not an idiot. Besides, everybody lies.  
**Usopp**: I don't lie.  
**Sanji**: Did your nose just grow?  
**Usopp**: (_Clapping a hand to it._) What? Did it?  
**Sanji**: No. (_**Usopp** eyes him. And not in a sexy way, either. Well, maybe just a little._)  
**Chopper**: So. Tell me! (_**Luffy**, however, is far too busy building elaborate forts out of tongue depressors to notice or care, and **Sanji** has gone back to schmoozing._) Hello! I need answers! (_The door bursts open again, and in comes **Nami**._)  
**Nami**: There you are! Thought you could hide from me, did you?  
**Sanji**: (_Waving._) Miss Nami! Hello! I was wondering when you would join us! Would you like a wowwipop?  
**Nami**: If you think I'll forgive your stupidity because of a "wowwipop," I guess I didn't hit you hard enough!  
**Robin**: Or too hard.  
**Nami**: No, the former. Always the former.  
**Chopper**: Suddenly, it all becomes clear. Did you really do all this damage?  
**Nami**: Who, me? I wish! I barely got any good blows in before they got away. All this is from falling off that elephant.  
**Chopper**: Er... what?  
**Zoro**: (_Sitting up, rubbing his eyes._) What's all this noise?  
**Chopper**: You fell off an elephant?  
**Zoro**: Yeah... I didn't think you'd buy that, so I said it was a bicycle.  
**Chopper**: So you _were_ lying!  
**Zoro**: If you want to split hairs, yeah. (_There is a loud crash outside, and an elephant's trunk snakes in through the open door behind **Nami**._)  
**Nami**: (_Swatting it away._) No dice, elephant! I'll be the one to finish this job! (_The elephant trumpets in protest. **Nami** goes into rage mode._) GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE! (_The elephant trumpets again, feebly this time, before shrinking away in fear._)  
**Chopper**: I'm afraid I can't allow you to kill my patients.  
**Nami**: Sadly, I don't think they'd die.  
**Usopp**: What exactly did they do?  
**Nami**: Use your imagination! The writers didn't want to.  
**Usopp**: Ahh. I understand now.  
**Nami**: You see? Now you understand why I have to--  
**Chopper**: Stop right there! If you take one more step... you'll die!  
**Nami**: What? Why?  
**Chopper**: I'm afraid you have... SARS!  
**Sanji**: No! Doctor, save her now! Our wounds are nothing!  
**Nami**: Huh? SARS?  
**Chopper**: There. How's _that_ for medical drama?  
**Robin**: Very good.  
**Usopp**: I'm on the edge of my seat!  
**Nami**: But I have no symptoms!  
**Chopper**: Which makes it all the deadlier! Hurry, let's get you isolated! (_He rushes her out._)  
**Sanji**: Wait! I'm coming too! I have to be there for her, in her moment of need! (_He runs after them._)  
**Usopp**: Darn. I was going to ask him for a wowwipop...

**Voiceover**: Will Nami survive this deadly bout of SARS? Will Chopper learn to live without a regular dose of the Rumble Ball? Will Luffy finish his tongue-depressor fort? Will Usopp get a wowwipop? Find out next time, on... _Chopper, M.D._

-----

A/N: Hey, does anybody know if the elephant has a name? I just realized I have no idea, and all my manga scans are... _were_ on the computer that crashed -.-

Also, I did not plan for him to show up; he just invited himself over. WTFever, elephant.

Also, Oda seems to like making Zoro lose ridiculous amounts of blood, so I thought I'd do the same.


	41. Revamp the Twentieth

A/N: I hate it when people come across me at five in the morning, awake, and go, "You're still up?" What does that mean? Maybe I went to sleep and then got up. Maybe I just got up for a glass of water and a check of the email and then I'm going back to sleep. Maybe YOUR MOM.

This has nothing to do with ANYTHING. But it's six am and I thought I'd share.

Just like these notes, these in-between chapters are rapidly becoming less and less relevant. Yaye.

-----

"What... are you doing?"

"Shh!" Uno hissed, trying to hold his hand steady. "I've almost got the tower completed!"

"But I have the new--"

"Leave it over there," he said, not even bothering to gesture as to where "there" was.

His assistant put it on a chair, then left, eyeing him strangely.

"There!" he announced to no one, putting the last domino in place. And then, suddenly, he sneezed, and everything fell down.

He was glad his assistant had gone already, because she would have been ashamed to see him cry the way he did.


	42. Law and Order: Pirate Victims Unit

A/N: Woo. Hm. Lots of stuff been going on, plus been in kind of a funk. Sorry about that, folks.

To answer a question I raised after the Shinsengumi episode, I was re-watching a few episodes from around the climax of the Alabasta arc several nights ago, mainly because Sanji vs. Mr. 2 is one of the best fights in the history of ever (second only maybe to Nami vs. Miss Doublefinger... maybe), and there is definitely a moment where Mr. 2 tries to stop Sanji by turning into Nami, and Sanji goes, "Hey, you have something on your left cheek!" and Mr. 2 goes, "Huh? What? I do? (_Touch._)" and he turns back into himself (episode 116, chapter... I've no idea because I lost my scans). However, Sanji was analyzing Mr. 2 for a weakness, whereas when the Straw Hats originally met him before Vivi realized who he was, they wouldn't have had the need to do the same, so I can still see why they would have felt the need for the Xs on their arms. Everybody wins!

Also, in response to Merciful Sky's question: no. No, that's not wrong. At all.

XD

Anyway. I've actually got two OTHER episodes in the works right now (my attention span is about up to par with Luffy's), but, well. Kami-Ranma suggested a _Law and Order_ type deal, but I've never actually watched the show. However, this weekend TV Land is having a marathon of _Night Court_, since the show is coming to the network. My sister and I used to watch this show when it was first on, but I haven't seen an episode in ages. As I'm watching, I'm struck by how strangely similar the individual personalities of the characters are to certain traits of individuals in the Straw Hat crew. So... I couldn't pass it up. (Court... law... it's essentially all the same, right?)

If you haven't seen the show but get TV Land, I'd suggest checking it out if you have the chance. A couple of the lines were taken directly from episodes that were on while I was putting this together in my brain; they don't belong to me either. I think it was mostly just the pickup lines. Oh, and the voiceover is actually more or less from SVU. Thanks again to the IMDb.

The title credit fully goes to Kami-Ranma. I had to keep it because it made me giggle like a mad schoolgirl.

-----

**Voiceover**: In the criminal justice system, pirate-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the Grand Line, the dedicated attorneys who try these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Pirate Victims Unit. These are their stories.

(_Cut to a small court room. **Public Defender Nami Sullivan** and **Defendant Tony Tony Chopper** sit behind one table, **Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**, making eyes at her, behind the other. **Bailiff Robin Russell**, **Bailiff Zoro Shannon**, and **Court Clerk Usopp Robinson** stand by the judge's bench, the first two in uniform._)

**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: Court is now in session. The honorable Judge Luffy D. Stone now presiding. All rise! (_They rise._)  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: (_He enters, wearing judge's robes and his hat, and takes his seat behind the bench._) Hey, what's everybody standing up for?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: I believe they're standing for you, Your Honor.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Oh! Why? They can sit, for all I care. (_They do._)  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: (_Putting the legal papers on the bench in front of **Luffy**._) The first case is the People vs. Tony Tony Chopper. Apparently, Chopper tried to attack a town, but he claims he was just trying to have a conversation.  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: (_Standing._) Your Honor, I would just first of all like to state that--er. (_**Luffy** is shuffling a deck of cards and not paying attention. **Nami** twitches a little and approaches the bench, **Sanji** and **Chopper** getting up to follow._) Your Honor. (_No response._) LUFFY! (_She slams her hand on his bench._)  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: (_He jumps._) WHAT?  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: We're trying a case here!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Trying a case of what? Hey, Zoro, pick a card. (_He holds a few out to **Zoro**, who is napping where he stands._) Zoro...!  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: Hey, Luffy, pay attention when Miss Nami is trying to speak to you!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Oh? Did you say something? (_**Nami** raises her fist, but **Chopper** changes into his man-beast form to hold her back._) Hey, Robin! Pick a card.  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: If you say so, Your Honor. (_A hand sprouts from the bench and chooses a card. **Robin** looks at it, then looks expectantly at **Luffy**, who says nothing._) ...Well...?  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Well what?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Aren't you going to tell me what it is?  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Huh? You just looked at it; why do you need me to tell you?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: You're supposed to know...  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: How the hell should I know what that card is? You were the one that looked at it!  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Then why did you have me pick it...?  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Seemed like the right thing to do at the time!  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: (_To **Nami**._) Hey, what do you say you and me blow this joint and I make you scream like a banshee? (_There is a long silence as both of them realize what he said. **Chopper** has to hold **Nami** back even more now. **Sanji**, for his part, looks horrified._) I didn't mean to say that! It just came out! I swear!  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: Nami! You're supposed to be the public defender! You can't defend the public if you beat them up!  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: I was thinking more "violent disembowelment."  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: (_Banging his gavel._) Order! Order in the court!  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: I'll have a cheeseburger! (_Laughs._) I'll... have... a cheeseburger. God I'm funny. (_**Luffy** continues to bang his gavel._)  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: Bang that gavel one more time and I'll shove it up your--  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: You're just jealous because you don't have a gavel to bang.  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: (_He leers at **Nami**._) Are you kidding? I can think of a lot of things I'd much rather be banging. (_Look of horror._) I swear! I didn't mean to say it! I swear!  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: I'll bang your head in!  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: Sounds hot. AAH! SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!  
**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: What the heck is all the noise?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: We're trying a case. Or so I thought.  
**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: Trying to do what with it?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: I... am not entirely sure, now that you ask.  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: Come on, you guys, we have to finish this case by midnight.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Why?  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: Dunno. There was just often some wacky reason, sometimes involving nuns, why x many cases had to be tried before midnight.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Well, that's... logical.  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Not really...  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Okay. What's the matter at hand? (_Looking at **Chopper**, who is back in his normal adorable form._) Are you a prostitute?  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: Huh?  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: A pimp, then?  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: (_Blinking._) Am I a pimp?  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: I'm sure it depends on who you're asking.  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: None of the above, Your Honor. My client, Tony Tony Chopper, was trying to strike up a conversation with some townspeople, and they claimed he was trying to attack them. It's completely ludicrous, if you ask me.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: How could they possibly mistake him for an attacker?  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Probably the same way you could mistake him for a prostitute.  
**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: You know, in some cultures, that sort of thing is accepted.  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Bestiality?  
**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: Pedophilia... wait, he's an animal? (_Pointing at **Chopper**._) I just thought he was really hairy... and had garish taste in head gear...  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: (_Ignoring both **Zoro** and **Robin** entirely._) Exactly! I'd like to make a motion to have these charges dropped immediately.  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: I'd like to see you make that motion, and a few others. GAH! I'M SORRY!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Are any of the witnesses present in this courtroom?  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: (_Trying to ignore **Sanji**, with great difficulty; looking a bit twitchy._) No, Your Honor. They got snowed in.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: (_To **Chopper**._) And what do you have to say for yourself?  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: I just wanted... a friend! (_Sniffing adorably._)  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Hear that? A friend!  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: (_Bursting into sobs._) Someone who understands me!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: (_Looking close to tears himself._) Understands!  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: Someone with whom I can share my greatest joys and deepest fears!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Share!  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: Someone who won't shoot at me!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Shoot! -- Wait, shoot?  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: (_Looking angry all of a sudden._) Someone who won't call me a monster! Someone who won't mock me mercilessly! Because when they do, I get really angry! And you won't like me when I'm angry! (_Turning into his man-beast form._) CHOPPER SMASH!  
**Public Defender Nami Sullivan**: Wait a minute. You really did attack them, didn't you?  
**Defendant Tony Tony Chopper**: GOR!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Well! I think the verdict in this case is obvious! Not guilty by reason of awesomeness!  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: What! That doesn't even make any sense!  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Hello? Were you paying attention? That was _fully_ awesome. Case dismissed! (_**Chopper** goes on a rampage through the courthouse, smashing tables and such._)  
**Assistant DA Sanji Fielding**: Oh, well. We finished before midnight, which means we still have time to do other things. (_To **Nami**._) Me Tarzan, you lucky. (_She lays him out in one punch, then stalks off._)  
**Bailiff Robin Russell**: Ah, the American judiciary system at work. It's a beautiful thing, is it not?  
**Bailiff Zoro Shannon**: _Is_ bestiality accepted in some cultures? (_He ponders this._)  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: Okay... next case. The People vs. Buggy the Clown. Apparently, the consensus is that clowns are creepy as hell.  
**Judge Luffy D. Stone**: Guilty as charged!  
**Court Clerk Usopp Robinson**: Good, we don't have to bring him in then. Because otherwise, I would be having nightmares all night. (_Small twitch._)

**Voiceover**: Another case, another victim's fears put to rest. It's all in a day's work for the elite squad known as... the Pirate Victims Unit.

-----

A/N: I've never had this satisfactorily explained to me: how, exactly, are clowns considered _funny?_


	43. Revamp the Twenty First

A/N: I promise there won't be as much of a wait this time!

-----

"Why are there two memos in here?" Uno compared both of them. "And they're both exactly the same."

"Well, given the subject matter of the next episode," his assistant theorized, "I would guess that it's meant to be clever. You know, like a concept memo."

"A _concept_ memo?" Uno raised an eyebrow.

"It's all about concept nowadays. Whatever happened to organic, character-driven story?" She shook her head.

"What happened to 'organic, character-driven story' is the least of my concerns. I'm wondering what happened to 'good old-fashioned _common sense._'"

"That went out of style with leg warmers, sir."

"Leg warmers were _never_ stylish."

"Touché."


	44. Deleted Scenes!

A/N: Putting in a floor? Hard work. Don't ever do it. All though, how handy would Robin's power be for home repairs? "I wish I had three extra hands! Oh, now I do!"

That having been said, that friend I mentioned that's coming for a visit? She gets here tomorrow afternoon, so don't be surprised if you don't hear from me until next week. ♥ you all!

Until then, Reason #84273 why I'm going to hell.

-----

When Usopp found Luffy, he was sitting on the couch in the break room watching TV, his head so far tilted to one side it was practically upside down.

"Hey, Luffy; whatcha watch--_oh my god what am I doing to Sanji?"_

Luffy squinted harder at the screen. "Same thing you were doing to Zoro a minute ago."

"What the--ew! Oh my god! I would not do that! What is this?"

_"All My Pirates_, season one, bonus features DVD: deleted scenes."

"I don't remember filming this at a--"

_"EW."_ Both of them lapsed into silence, staring in shock and horror at the screen.

"What's the matter with you guy--_holy shit!"_ Zoro literally jumped back when he laid eyes on the screen. "I didn't know you and the cook had something going on!"

"We _don't,_ I--"

"Hey! There's Zoro again!" Luffy announced, pointing at the screen. "Were you feeling left out?"

The three of them fell silent, their attention fixated on the screen in horror.

"So _that's_ why your nose is so long," Zoro observed absently.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Luffy said. "You missed the part with Chopper! He's a freaking _pimp_, I tell you!"

Usopp and Zoro exchanged glances, deciding it was best not to speak.

"Hey! There's me!" Luffy pointed at the television set.

They fell back into silence for several moments.

"Hm," Zoro finally grunted, "I never would have thought of using your devil fruit power _quite_ like that."

"Well, that's probably a good thing," Usopp observed. "All though it seems sort of... obvious."

Both of them regarded Luffy, who was preoccupied with his likeness on the screen.

"Ooh!" he cried suddenly, sitting up. "This is different!"

The other two looked back at the television. Now they were greeted with the sight of Robin and Nami, in similarly compromising positions.

"...Whoa," was all Zoro could muster.

"I second that," Usopp said weakly, with a small nod.

"Did you think of using _her_ devil fruit power like that?" Luffy asked.

"Actually... maybe a little," Zoro admitted.

"Who _hasn't?"_ Usopp added. "I mean... _hello."_

"Hey, what's going--" Sanji never quite got to finish his sentence, because the moment he lay eyes on the TV, he hit the floor, out cold, a stream of blood trickling from his nose, a single _"Mellorine...!"_ on his lips.

"What do you want, you stupid love cook?" Zoro, like both Luffy and Usopp, was unwilling to take his eyes from the screen.

"Hey, is this a party going on over here, or what?" Nami asked, strolling up with Robin.

_"NOTHING!"_ the three conscious viewers shouted. Luffy _meant_ to hit the eject button, but at that moment, all of them got distracted by the return to the screen of Chopper.

"Holy crap," said Usopp in shock and a measure of awe, "you were right, Luffy; Chopper _is_ a pimp."

"Huh? What's going on?" asked the real Chopper, appearing then. "What's wrong with Sanji?"

Luffy, Usopp, and Zoro were all on their feet in an instant, trying to block the screen from Chopper's view. _"DON'T LOOK AT THE TV!"_

"Huh? What? What's going on?" The young reindeer was nonplussed.

"What are they so worked up about?" Nami asked Robin.

Robin shrugged, the two of them turning to leave. "I'm not sure, but if that bothers them so much, I would hate to see how they would react to the deleted scenes from season _two."_


	45. Straw Hat Break Time Theatre 2!

A/N: Wow. So. This is just a quick sort of not-real update to say: I had desperately hoped to get a new episode up by no later than this weekend, but I'm having computer problems AGAIN (APPLE YOU HAVE FAILED ME. I TRUSTED YOU.), so I have NO IDEA when my real update's going to be. I feel just awful about this. I had a whole bunch of other things I needed to say, but I have forgotten them. Hopefully, next time.

So, once again, I'm very sorry. I really didn't expect this to happen and it's come at an awful time, what with school starting and all. I have to drive from Anaheim to Costa Mesa tomorrow morning to take it in, then drive from Costa Mesa to Long Beach in time to buy my books and get to class... SIGH. Sometimes I truly hate technology.

-----

"Blackbirds, blackbirds,  
Sitting on a wire,  
What do you do there?  
May we inquire?  
We just sit to see the day,  
Then we flock and fly away,  
By one, two, three, four, five, six, seven..."

"No! No! Stop! You tripped! Now it's my turn!"

"No way! I did not trip! My foot did not touch the rope."

"Yes, it did. I saw it. I _felt_ it."

"You _felt_ nothing."

"Hey--didn't he trip?"

"I didn't notice."

"I did! He tripped."

"Uh. Zoro? Sanji? Usopp? Luffy?"

The people in question stopped their heated argument and turned to look at the new arrivals, Nami, Robin, and Chopper, who were watching them, nonplussed.

"Are you... jumping rope?" Nami asked.

"...No," said Zoro, after a long pause.

Nobody said anything for a moment. Finally, Nami, Robin, and Chopper decided it was in their bests interests to leave.

As soon as they were gone, Sanji turned back to Zoro. "Now, _as I was saying_, you tripped. Now you have to hold the rope, and it's _my_ turn to jump."

"And _I_ said, like hell, you stupid cook...!"


	46. Break Time Theatre: Grand Battle Edition

A/N: So I know this is my third filler thingum in a row, but I really, super-duper wanted to update, if only to say that I hope you'll all bear with me: I'm having some personal issues right now, not to mention have had three (3) hard drives AND a modem die on me in the last month-ish (it's a gift, really). None of these things are very conducive to a finished product, I assure you.

Just to make sure we're square: I'm definitely not abandoning this. There's still some ideas I want to explore and some suggestions from y'all (hee, I said "y'all") that I want to try my hand at. If I'm lucky, I might have a little more free time and a little less stress in the near future, so I'll be able to sit down to this with a clear head and finally put up a _real_ update.

-----

Uno was surprised and more than a little concerned to find his assistant already in his office when he arrived that morning. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asked.

"Shh!" she asked, without looking at him. She was sitting on the floor, utterly focused on the TV screen.

"Are you... playing a video game?"

"SHH!"

He noticed something on his desk then: a game cartridge. "O_ne Piece Grand Battle?"_ He eyed her.

"DAMMIT!" she shouted suddenly, throwing the controller against the floor. She rounded on him, daggers in her eyes. "I was _thisclose_ to unlocking Chopper and _that was my last continue!"_

"Unlocking Chopper?"

"Yeah. Vicious little bastard."

"Have you... slept?"

"Not recently, no. I just got it yesterday. I got Robin unlocked--I was on my second try against her, on my last life, with Kuro, but I beat her. Ha! I'm so awesome. I really thought I was a goner there. But now shut the hell up or get out. If I don't unlock Chopper this time, I will take it out on you."

"What... are you talking about?"

"SHUT UP!"

Uno was getting irritated. He was used to his assistant being a little demented sometimes, but seriously. This was _his_ office. He lit a cigar. "What is that music that's playing?"

"It's the 4Kids rap. Another reason to own this game. Now I can listen to it any time I want."

"Do you... often want to listen to it?"

"No, but if I did, here it is."

"I don't understand you."

"SHH. Ahh, _hell._ Quit distracting me!"

"Listen, I got a fax straight from the higher-ups and they're not happy with our progress. Everything's behind schedule. They're threatening to--"

"Is this the face of someone who cares?"

He blinked. She wasn't usually so abrupt. "No, it's the back of the head of someone who _needs_ to."

_"Freaking Sanji you whore stop that! AAAAARGH! _I'm supposed to _beat_ you! I hate you, motherf--"

Uno blinked again, then sighed, exhaling a small cloud of smoke. He would go downstairs for a few minutes, devise a plan to extract the controller from her hands once and for all (possibly it would have to involve the Jaws of Life), and make her go lie down somewhere for several hours until she regained at least a small measure of sanity. Looking on the bright side, he decided, he had some change in his pocket; if he was lucky, the vending machine would have some of those Grandma's cookies he liked so much. Chocolate chip, especially, though peanut butter would do.

-----

A/N: It's true. It's all true. I'd heard some squeeing about the game from a fellow fan--not for anything ground-breaking, but for the sheer entertainment value it has. Especially Sanji's pimpin' white suit, and the little dance he does when you play him against Nami or Robin.

(I feel it only fair to mention I'm by no means a gamer. This is the first new game I've played since _Sonic 3_ came out on Sega Genesis.)

Except that little bastard, swear to god. More than anyone, for some reason, if I don't beat him right away, I get stuck in this endless trap of round after round. He was the last battle I played as Don Krieg when I was working on unlocking Robin, and I went in with all my continues and I still could not beat him. Bizarrely, also, I find it a piece of cake to beat hard mode with Nami, but I struggle in easy mode with even more powerful characters. In that vein, it was a bitch and a half to beat easy mode with Usopp. What gives, Usopp? I think it has something to do with the fact that you want to play him (or possibly _should_ play him) in a more defensive mode, and I just can't fight like that. That's one thing Luffy and I have in common, at least in video game-land: I just have to go in and whale on 'em until they die or I die or we both die. I am, in fact, a _master_ strategerist. But then going against Usopp, if you don't stay right up on him the whole time, he will "Shuriken Shooting Stars!" the crap out of you.

While I'm rambling, I have to say I'm a little confused. I hadn't seen a whole episode of the TV version until a couple of weeks ago, when I got a TiVo of my own, because I am incapable of remembering to watch things, so this is the first time I'm hearing most of these characters speak. I should have expected it, since Wapol has a Russian accent but no one else on Drum does, and I knew about Sanji's Joisey accent. But. Pearl is a surfer? Gen is... I don't even know what that is. Russian? Scottish? And, unrelated to the game since she's hardly spoken in it, and also not to be a Cliché Anime Fan™, but I cannot stand listening to Tashigi speak. She just sounds so flat and bored, like the voice actress would rather be anywhere else but in the recording studio. Not to mention that, more so than others I've seen, they seem to have completely changed her character.

So this doesn't devolve into a "I hate the dub" fest, there are some things I think they got right. For example, I'd heard complaints about Robin being southern, but it's nothing overt. It's just a bit of a drawl, which makes her sound more laid-back and self-assured, which I think works for her. Also, while Chopper is no longer Pikachu (and that's sad), there's something strangely adorable about this one's voice anyway. Maybe it's just Chopper, I dunno. I also like Zoro--sorry, Zolo's, Nami's, and for some reason, Kuro's, too, to name a few. And I guess I can overlook at least a percentage of the puns, even though some of them are downright painful. As long as there are some day uncut DVD season box sets, I'm a happy camper.

Also, I heard they had skipped Little Garden and therefore Miss Goldenweek and Mr. 3 (I wonder if they plan on including him later? Probably not. Laboon got turned into an iceberg, after all), but they're in the game as options for Robin's seconds. Except Miss Goldenweek is Ms. April Fool's Day. I dunno, I think Ms. Labor Day or something would have been more fitting/clever for her. Maybe that's just me.

Um. That's the end to my blathering. Comments/criticism/flaming flames of hatred and doom welcome. Well, okay, not the last one. Don't be mean. Not that anyone has been. But. Anyway. GOODBYE. Until hopefully not very long from now.


End file.
